Onions

Firsts: Onions

I don’t know if I could bite into a raw onion if I were starving in the woods, stuck on a frozen tundra in a winter wonderland, but I’ve cut, chopped, diced and cooked with every color onion imaginable. Yet I’m much more interested in the metaphor of peeling back the onion layers and how that pertains to we humans.

To peel back these layers of our humanity, one must be able to face hard truths, soul search at their depths and accept consequences for actions, but in doing these activities valuable lessons are taught and love for who you are breaks the surface. In reality, the way you feel about yourself comes out in every aspect of life. The lack of investigation into ones depths can stunt a person physically, mentally and emotionally, and I only say that because I’ve gone through this brutal reality.

It is hard to admit weaknesses and capture your strengths, coming to know your capabilities though allows you to be your best you. My life was a mess, I was going through a separation, which led to divorce, was without my kids and had just a sliver of ego intact. I had moved into the smallest one bedroom apartment of all time, and I was so low my knuckles scraped the ground when I walked.

The mere thought of shaving in front of a mirror terrified me, for I would of had to look at myself. I actually started shaving in the shower and do to this day, I was in that kind of corner, I had painted it myself and saw no way out. Somehow a book had appeared on my shelf, written by a guy that claimed he was a ‘love doctor’ a what I thought to myself? I picked it up and scanned the cover, this had no interest to me, but for some unknown reason I began reading it.

I was coming out of a foggy haze of smoking pot numerous times a day and honestly had felt nothing in years. I don’t remember his name but was taken by a few lines I’ve never forgotten. “When you open buried treasure, you don’t know what you’ll find, but with sobriety you will feel”.

For some reason that shook me and I began the process of peeling back my layers.

I began with journaling, which begat poetry, and I wrote constantly, and after months I noticed a pattern. No matter how dark my writing started, it almost always ended in slight celebration. I had quit digging, I threw out the shovel and started filling the hole I had dug myself in. Reflection of the past kept me up nights, I wasn’t being the best man I could, I needed change.

I always thought I was right, even when I was wrong, I wouldn’t accept helpful criticism and I fought every battle and never thought about just winning the war. I had a lot of work to do to fix me, and of course my first thought was to blame someone else. The parents came to mind, but they paved me a successful path, I just chose to off road. My first wife, nah, we had our problems but I had to own this shit.

When I started to accept my limitations I saw a small light. I had let very few people in, I always masked my hurt with self deprecating jokes, smiles and laughter, from the outside looking in I was a castle, from the inside My house was dilapidated and empty. I turned a corner after reading that book and kept working. I had to get to a point in my life where my opinion of me meant more than others I knew or met.

And with time and effort I started to turn the corner, the same corner I used to always cut. Now looking back, I was a human disaster and FEMA would have looked at me, threw up their arms and said fuck it, there’s no fixing this mess. I kept at it and started to express myself through writing even more, a real smile appeared out of nowhere, that dark cloud that had been hovering over me began to fade and I saw life through eyes that weren’t bloodshot and blurry.

Yea, peeling layers is risky business, and didn’t know what I’d find when I opened my treasure chest, but I did feel it, deeply. The work was hard, I had eviscerated my humanity and was in rebuild mode. Every day presented challenges and I took them on one at a time, but I was calculating and careful, I didn’t cut corners, I plowed through layer upon layer of shit and I came out.

I am of course always working on being my best self, I’m happier, more forgiving of myself and can look in a mirror again, though I still shave in the shower.

I don’t know how this came up, but if just one person reads this and it helps them, I’ll be happy. Have a blessed day, love yourself.

Crack Egg Out