No One Is Setting Goals This Year and It's All Trump's Fault

In a sunny California, where avocado toast and TikTok dances reign supreme, New Year's resolutions have become as outdated as flip phones. At least according to Avery, a student at Cal Poly:

“If Trump is going to be President in two weeks, what's the point in having goals when he's going to ruin everything? I've been staying busy watching TikTok videos, but now that's going to be gone too. I've quit my yoga class because it's all pointless, but I asked Jake to buy me some new things to make up for it.”

“Set goals? I spent high school chasing workout targets for my biceps, only to see Timothée Chalamet and Tom Holland start trending. After eating thousands of chicken breasts, I've learned the hard way there's no point in setting goals. Timothée and Tom are all about the lean, artistic look. Meanwhile, I'm stuck with enough protein powder to open a small factory”

“What about Trump?”

“I don't vote,” Jake declares, right before he gives our journalist a wink. “I prefer to keep my muscles in shape, not my civic duties.”

“Goals? In 1492, Christopher Columbus set a New Year's goal of finding a shortcut to India. And then he discovered America.”

The Professor makes air quotes around the word “discovered”.

“Then look what happened, 500 years of Colonialism. This year, I have joined the flat earth society to make sure this never happens again.”

“I've sent the last 20 years making a New Year's Resolution to lose weight and failing. Then, bam! Ozempic appears and look at me now. I wish I had enjoyed my Januarys more back then. We didn't even have social media to post our goal on! Have a muffin, I'm not hungry. You know what else I’ve realized? That setting goals is like setting yourself up for a guilt trip. No, thanks, I’d rather focus on enjoying life—one muffin at a time.”

Journalist Alex Rodriguez also reached out to the online residents of San Luis Obispo. In a contentious X thread, @Aggrevated911 had this to say:

“New Year Resolutions are the conspiracy theories of the self-help industry. I'm working on getting to the bottom of this. The internet says it all started with Jeffrey Epstein, or George Soros.”

A Memorial to Andy Burnham

In 2024, Andy Burnham's goal was to read 365 books, climb Mount Denali (formerly known as McKinley) learn five languages, and run a marathon each month. He also learned how to play several musical instruments, started a small business which became a multi-million dollar enterprise, and competed professionally in Korean Taekwondo. He believed in pushing myself to the limit.

Andy is no longer with us.

The Dalai Lama, who was visiting San Luis Obispo earlier last year, had a terse reply to what he desires in 2025:

“Nothing.”

'Just Mike' couldn't think of any goals, so our reporter furnished a few suggestions.

“Save money, set career goals? I don't need to save money because, thanks to Trump, American jobs are coming back.”

“But, do you have any desire to work in a textile mill or a steel factory?” 

“My grandfather died of emphysema, and I'm not into textiles, so no. But a lot of patriotic Americans would love those jobs. Especially vets. You see, for me, it’s not about personal goals, it's about our country. And stopping the threats from the Southern Border. It’s about the vision of our founding fathers. If Trump’s got it covered, I can sit back and relax.”

The only person to be setting a goal for 2025 is Jacob, a self-described “Vocal Creator”.

“My goal for 2025? To write every day,” Jacob tells us. 

“What do you write about?”

“I write about writing. To succeed, I've been waking up at 5:30am, and putting in 18-hour days, when I'm not busy with my dog walking gig. My goal is to make enough money online so I don't need to work.”

“Do you have any longer term goals?”

“Obama wrote Dreams from My Father, Trump wrote The Art of the Deal, so…”

Jacob gives a knowing nod to our journalist. He's obviously aiming high.

**

While the mood is a bit frosty at the beginning of 2025, The Papaya Press is pleased to report the resident of San Luis Obispo with a goal hopes to make the leap from dog walker to President of the United States by writing on Vocal. More should emulate his example.

The Path to the White House is Paved With Paper

A synopsis of books written by US Presidents:

George Washington:

“Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour in Company and Conversation”: Though not a book per se, this collection of 110 rules was written by Washington as a teenager and offers a glimpse into the values that guided his life.

19th Century Presidents

Thomas Jefferson:

“Notes on the State of Virginia”: Written before his presidency, this is Jefferson's only full-length book. It offers detailed observations on Virginia's geography, natural resources, and society.

James Madison:

Though Madison didn't write books, his contributions to the Federalist Papers are seminal works in American political thought.

20th Century Presidents

Theodore Roosevelt:

“The Rough Riders”: An account of his experiences leading the Rough Riders during the Spanish-American War.

“African Game Trails”: Chronicles his African safari, showcasing his adventurous spirit and interest in natural history.

Woodrow Wilson:

“The New Freedom”: A collection of Wilson's speeches advocating for progressive reforms.

“A History of the American People”: A five-volume series offering Wilson's perspective on American history.

Herbert Hoover:

“The Ordeal of Woodrow Wilson”: A tribute to Wilson, highlighting Hoover's admiration for his predecessor.

“Freedom Betrayed”: Published posthumously, this book offers Hoover's critique of American foreign policy leading up to World War II.

Harry S. Truman:

“Memoirs by Harry S. Truman: Year of Decisions”: Reflects on his early presidency and pivotal decisions.

“Memoirs by Harry S. Truman: Years of Trial and Hope”: Covers his later years in office and post-presidency.

Dwight D. Eisenhower:

“Crusade in Europe”: Chronicles his experiences as Supreme Commander of the Allied Expeditionary Force during World War II.

“Mandate for Change” and “Waging Peace”: His presidential memoirs detailing his time in the White House.

John F. Kennedy:

“Profiles in Courage”: Written while recovering from surgery, this book profiles eight senators who showed great courage in the face of adversity. It won the Pulitzer Prize for Biography.

Richard Nixon:

“RN: The Memoirs of Richard Nixon”: His autobiography detailing his life and political career.

“No More Vietnams”: Nixon's reflections on the Vietnam War.

Jimmy Carter:

“Keeping Faith: Memoirs of a President”: His account of his presidency.

“An Hour Before Daylight”: A memoir of his early years in rural Georgia.

Ronald Reagan:

“An American Life”: His autobiography, reflecting on his journey from actor to president.

Modern Presidents

George H.W. Bush:

“A World Transformed”: Co-authored with Brent Scowcroft, this book offers insights into foreign policy decisions during his presidency.

“All the Best, George Bush”: A collection of personal letters and diary entries.

Bill Clinton:

“My Life”: His comprehensive autobiography.

“Giving: How Each of Us Can Change the World”: Discusses philanthropy and the importance of giving back.

George W. Bush:

“Decision Points”: His memoir, focusing on key decisions made during his presidency.

“41: A Portrait of My Father”: A tribute to his father, George H.W. Bush.

Barack Obama:

“Dreams from My Father”: A memoir of his early life and journey of self-discovery.

“The Audacity of Hope”: Discusses his political beliefs and vision for America.

“A Promised Land”: A detailed account of his presidency up to the killing of Osama bin Laden.

Donald Trump:

“The Art of the Deal”: Written before his presidency, this book outlines his business strategies and philosophy.

Joe Biden:

“Promises to Keep: On Life and Politics”: A memoir reflecting on his personal and political journey.

“Promise Me, Dad”: A poignant memoir about the year following the death of his son, Beau.