New Year, New Me

In the final days of 2020, something snapped in me. It felt like an elastic band stretched to the extreme and just snapping, irretrievably. It had to do with my emotions. In 2020, I had had highs, lows and everything in between like everybody else. In those final days of last year, I felt spent, drained of emotions to spare. The stress had got to me, surely. Catering to two pre-schoolers and a busy husband, applying for visas and the longer than usual delays and the things that had to be put on hold because of that, having my driving tests cancelled over and over again because of lockdowns with months of expensive lessons gone down the drain, not being able to socialise weekly as I used to, the news of extended family dying on the regular, the fears for my older vulnerable parents’ health and safety... there was a lot going on and I think, as a result, whatever it was just snapped in the final weeks in 2020.

So, I started 2021 a new person. This new person would endure no more bull. I decided I would no longer receive less than I needed. Life was too fragile for all that. So, the major thing this translated to was cutting off one-sided friendships. I realised I had accumulated these over the years. I am the kind of person to care too much, to be worried if I hadn't heard from you in days, to want to make sure you are doing well and thriving; and in the final hour of 2020, I realised just how much emotion I had invested in certain unproductive friendships. But whatever snapped meant I couldn't afford to waste my emotions. I had to conserve all I had to those channels that would reward me. There was apparently a limit to the elastic band of emotion I had, if that was what it was that snapped.

So, where I had been the one to chase 'friends' and make up excuses for the lack of calls or messages back, I decided it was better to be friendless than take that anymore. And that had been one of my big fears – the thought that I would suddenly be friendless and that that would make me weird and lonely in some way. There was a void that children and a husband couldn’t fill, but the irony was that even my ‘friends’ were not filling that void. I had to be the one to initiate contact most of the time. I had to be the one to apologise for not being in touch after a while, even though friendships were meant to be mutual. I had to be the one to make up excuses even though I had all of these things going on in my life as well, and still found time to call or message.

So, unlike what I did at Christmas, I refused to be the first to wish my 'friends' 'happy new year'; and thankfully a couple bothered to check up on me. Fine, less people to worry about. It is a work in progress because some days, I still miss some of these friends, and we are only 5 days in; or at least more than a week, since I haven't heard from most of them since Christmas. In a way it feels like a breakup - a one-sided one. But for whatever had snapped in 2020, it felt better to wish my ex-friends well from a distance than engage in unrequited relationships. And if they do come back with a 'hey you' in the future, knowing that they have no real excuse for not being better friends, I will treat them like the acquaintances they have become - no extra emotions, no extra concerns.

2021: no more one-sided friendships, check.