New Year, New Me

At the start of 2021, I was five months pregnant at 16, and on bed rest due to severe complications. I was sick every day, my partner was in another state, and I had no friends or family supporting me. With all of this alongside the chaos of a worldwide pandemic, I had so much on my plate I never took the time to be mindful of myself, my body, or my mind. I wasn’t paying attention as I completely unraveled, too focused on the discord to see that it want just the world around me that was in disarray.

After having my baby I had no support. I struggled in a deep sea of depression, all alone, and I crumbled like ancient stone. I couldn’t get myself out of bed. There wasn’t a day that went by free of tears. I couldn’t be the person I wanted or needed to be and I couldn’t figure out how to slow the ever so quickly growing momentum of my life falling apart. I battled all of this for months.

December I had to let my girl go for adoption. My beautiful girl. My entire heart and soul. Because I knew if I did not, I wouldn’t be able to take the time to heal myself, and I would never be a good image or role model in her life. And I knew one day she might need me to help her through the same things I never had support for.

This year I believe it’s so important for not just myself, but for everyone, to take the time to honor our minds and bodies. We have all been though wave after wave of turmoil the past two years. All the pandemonium has taken a hold of us, gripped us to our cores, made us slaves to fear and worry, keeping us so distracted from basic self care. Our needs have not been met. Our desires have been completely thrown aside and forgotten. Let’s pay attention to ourselves, and heal ourselves so the children of our future might not have to struggle like this again.

So, this year will not be like the last two. I will NOT sit and give all of my thoughts and energy to the mind eating worry. I will NOT focus on and feed into the terrible chaos brought on by the environment around me. I will NOT ignore or neglect my mental or physical health just because it’s less work to do so. I will not be a victim to myself, it is only I that I control.

I will spend my energy creating unique art that expresses the pure raw depth of my emotions. I will spend my energy cooking myself beautiful food that brings me such joy and warms my heart with contentment. I will spend my energy making my home a safe and comfortable place for myself and anyone whom I should choose to invite inside of it.

I will put my thoughts into continuing my writing that has been left to decay in the dusty back corners of my overcrowded mind. I will put my thoughts into the deep, meaningful conversations that I have with the people I love most on this Earth. I will pour my thoughts into myself for the first time in my life, because I know I deserve to mend all of the parts of myself that other people came along and broke.

This year, I will choose to grow like a tree towards the sun. This year, I will choose to learn like an excited schoolchild. I will romanticize my life at every possible turn, and I will choose to love myself in a way I’ve never been able to. I will choose to heal myself, and I will break the generational cycles of trauma that have plagued my family year after year. I will be present in my daughters life as a positive role model and loving birth mother. I will honor my mind and body. I will nurture my spirit. And I will live.