My "True Self"

I have always had a hard time finding much value in my life and how I spend my time. Most of my life has been doing what other people tell me to. Go to college so you can get a good job. Keep working hard so you can move up in that job. Be a teacher; there's always a need for teachers, right? Get another degree to help find an even better job and really make that money to pay off your student loans.

Well, none of that really worked out. I went to college to be a teacher. I kind of squandered that chance as my GPA dropped. I had it pretty easy in high school without really trying. The increased workload and expectations really took me by surprise. So I switched to a subject I found interesting rather than something that might be profitable: Sociology. That was my mistake. Really, that's where the crux of my self-image comes from. I struggle to motivate myself past that initial struggle in a lot of areas of my life. Self-improvement has always been a difficult, uphill battle.

However, this is also where I found my calling. I struggled to really have an identity in how I just allowed other people to make these decisions for me. I continued down those paths without a second thought.

Similarly, as I graduated college, I was offered an opportunity through a family friend. I would work with children that had behavioral problems and, in some cases, were diagnosed with Autism. I didn't know much about the diagnosis to be honest. I didn't have a lot of options, though. Sociology does not really get you very far on its own.

Honestly, in the first few weeks, I was convinced that this was a mistake. I worked with on individual in particular that I barely spoke to. He really liked playing his games online. He would sit there and play for the entire session. I would greet him, sit on the edge of his bed, and watch. I would share some comments as I watched him play and tried to start small talk, but he was not interested in the least. I remember specifically going up to my case manager rather awkwardly and admitting that I didn't think I was doing a good enough job. I was told they could look into other cases, but I should talk to my direct supervisor first.

So, I did. He urged me to keep with it and assured me that he was a hard kid to get to open up. He was a teenager and really struggled when it came to letting new people in. Like he said, he eventually began to open up. I did not take it as much more than trying to have the time go by a little bit faster. It had to be awkward having a recent college graduate just sitting there, watching him play games for two hours, right?

Well, that's also where I began to see the difference in my job. I have found that when I get into my slumps, it becomes harder for me to motivate myself to really work hard. Without the overhead, it was incredibly easy to start slacking and, with most kids, I was not really seeing a difference in their behavior as I worked with them. There would be good days and then there would be bad days. This one in particular, his mother had always assured me that I was working well with them. She thanked me a lot for the work I was doing, especially through some pretty rough family drama that I cannot really talk about openly, even while not using his name.

Admittedly, I had taken to working with him over those months. I saw a lot of me in how he presented himself. He wasn't the most socially adept person and struggled to understand nuances in speech. He did not have a great perception of himself and he would just go along with a lot of what his family had decided, even if he did not want to. That last part really hit home for me. I had made it a point to tell him that I would carry out our sessions wherever he was, regardless of where that was. It was always his choice to refuse and I would respect that without a second though.

This came to a head as the family drama was coming to an end. I had worked very hard to empower him to stand up for himself without needing my support and, really, he flourished there. It was the first time I had seen him really put his foot down and not just go along with what others had planned for him.

The moment that is stamped in my mind was when he had some standardized testing coming up. He was supposed to attend an after school activity later that evening. He was not thrilled about that activity on a normal day, let alone this particular week. His mother came by and told him to get ready to leave. He had a blow up in this moment, which was not entirely unheard of for him. Small things sometimes did get blown out of proportion, especially when there was other stressors that he was dealing with and just not opening up about. In this moment, he shouted that he would but made it very clear he wasn't happy about it. His mother reiterated that he had made a commitment to go and it was important that he kept up with that. She had clearly became exasperated as the yelling continued and eventually just told him he needed to get ready before walking away.

Now, I never have dealt with conflict very well. I shy away from it in most instances and do not like getting into these authoritative struggles with the kids I worked with at the time. We sat in silence for a few minutes as I let him simmer in his recent outburst, solely focused on his game. After I let that sit for a little while, I just asked him, “What was that about?”

My tone was very calm and neutral. It was one thing I take pride in. While I hate conflict, I can keep my emotions out of it in most cases. I do not like giving emotional responses beyond the empathetic response of trying to understand the other person's feelings. In this instance, it seemed to help. He let out a frustrated sigh and began to tell me why he was so upset. He had these tests coming up this week that he was so worried about failing. He was going to go to this activity, be there until at least 9pm, and then have to worry about showering and getting ready for bed. He would not be in bed until 10pm and he has trouble going to sleep right away too. He was going to be totally unprepared for these tests and his mother just didn't understand any of it.

After his explanation was done, in the same even tone, I asked him, “Why didn't you tell your mom any of that?”

“Well, she should just know!”

I gave a shrug and let the subject drop. In the back of my mind, I felt like I had gotten my point across but it still felt like I was shying away from conflict once again when I should be working on these behaviors.

Again, though, his response surprised me. A few minutes passed before he put his controller down, gave another frustrated sigh, and said, “I'll be right back.” He stormed off and left me sitting there.

I got up to get myself a drink while I waited for him to do whatever it was he had decided he needed to do and found him returning to his room, visibly calmer than he had been. His mother was downstairs when I went to get my drink and she told me about how he had come up to talk to her. He had kept himself calm and composed and explained why he was so stressed out. She had agreed that it was a lot for him to handle and, after having been told all that, agreed to let him stay home.

I honestly had not thought much of it at the time. It was just my normal response. I did not have an authoritative presence. I had my calm tone and that was about it. His mother expressed how happy she was in that moment, though. The previous person to work with him had been very aggressive in his way of working with kids. He would yell back and argue, taking on the behaviors head on in a way that I had thought I lacked in some of my weaker moments. In this instance, though, she had told me that it was the first time he had been able to come to her with his feelings so openly and so calmly. She attributed it to my response and my less aggressive demeanor when working with him. There wasn't any punishment when it came to the way I responded to his outbursts. It was just a way of getting him to come to those conclusions rather than telling him how he should be behaving.

This is where my true self came through. I did not have it in me to respond the way a lot of others in that company responded to behaviors. Once again, it was me trying to emulate how others acted to find my own path. My own path was just responding in my own way, though.

My own way worked too. It all culminated in that moment as I found this calm, empathetic approach that seemed to work and made me fall in love with this job. For once, I didn't look to other people for where I should go. I wanted to work with these kids and I still do to this day, taking a focus on children with Autism. My responses work and help me really find success in the field.

So, this is my true me. I am an empathetic, soft-spoken person who wants to genuinely make someone's life better in what ways I can. Sometimes it is helping teach and having a firm response to behaviors, but other times, it is just a simple, calming tone to help guide them to their own answers on their own.