My Biggest Project of 2025

I have always been a deep thinker, naturally curious, with a strong desire to understand the ways of the world. I remember the countless sleepless nights I had as a young child, questioning all of life’s mysteries: “Why are we here? What if there is no God? What happens when we die?” In the cold light of day, I would escape these anxiety inducing thoughts through creation. Imagining a life much more exciting and dreamier than my own. Hours spent drawing, writing poems and fictional stories that were often described by my teachers as “too farfetched”. (Erm WTF!?)

Unfortunately, due to the nature of the world we live in, my gifts and talents gradually diminished, until eventually the core essence of my little being completely vanished into the harshness that is, real life.

It’s no coincidence that our schooling system is designed in such a way. A workshop for little robots in mini suits & ties, that will later become slaves to the corporate system. Crunching numbers, exams, deadlines, stress on repeat. So far removed from those beautiful, innate qualities that are now buried deep within us. Musing over our life choices, on our depressing work commute, “Surely there's more to life than this shit!?”

What if there is?

The sad reality is that the vast majority of us are living lives that are seriously out of whack from our cosmic dharma. In debt, burnt out and brainwashed. I am no stranger to this; having spent the last twenty years living so out of alignment with who I was placed on earth to be. Paralyzed by a lifetime of seeking dopamine hits from external sources: food, social media, online shopping. A coping mechanism now so easily accessible to us, with the whole world literally at our fingertips.

If only I had gone within and channeled my energy into those gifts I once cherished as a child. Who would I be now?

It was in this realisation that I decided I can no longer live the way that I have been living, so consumed by all of life’s distractions. I had been coasting through life, hoping for my deepest desires to one day fall out of the sky and into my lap. Self-sabotaging with destructive behaviour to keep myself small, safe and protected. It was time to live from the heart, to finally claim the purposeful life I had spent so many years dreaming about!

On purpose

So often do we find ourselves wondering what our purpose is. How do we make a real difference in the world and live this short, beautiful life with meaning?

For me, the long periods of solitude that COVID19 forced upon us, blessed me with some serious moments of introspection. It was in those opportunities to go inward that I caught a glimpse of what my purpose might be. A desire was placed in my heart. But the mission at that time felt too vast and scary, and so naturally I ignored the little voice inside me until eventually it faded away.

Four years and a severe case of burnout later, my yearning for a more meaningful life came back with a vengeance, but I had no clue where to begin, or what to pursue. So, in a bid to drown out the noise and seek solace from the chaos that lived inside my head, I sought refuge at a Vipassana silent meditation centre, where I somehow managed to successfully complete a ten day silent meditation retreat. It was there, in one of the painstakingly long meditation sittings that the calling came back. And this time, I was given a bonus - an idea! I needed to write.

Leap of Faith

After returning home from the centre, I set to work and began my extensive research. Trawling the internet for websites where I could write freely and earn money. I watched countless YouTube videos and listened to some shitty podcasts. Turns out my meditation epiphany was legit, the world had moved on from the days of managing your own blog, trying to make money from affiliate links. It was now possible to make decent cash from writing about literally anything. That was it, my fate was decided. And so, with nothing but conviction and blind faith that this will absolutely work out for me; I quit my job and started 2025 as the CEO of my own destiny. Up shit creek without a paddle, some might say.

My vision however, is not just limited to writing. No, it's much greater than that. Because in order to achieve the dream life that I envision for myself and for others, I first have to do the work. I have to show up unapologetically as my whole self, including those parts of me that I conceal from the world. The dark shadows that I have never brought to the light, in an attempt to keep me safe and unseen.

Invisible

You see, for the last seven years I have been living a double life, living inauthentically due to a deep-rooted fear of rejection. Stuck between two paradoxical worlds, hiding my true self in order to fit in and conform to societal norms. In a constant state of flux between the two versions of myself that coexist in this odd shaped bag of skin: The party girl who found an adult version of escapism through drugs and weekend benders. Raised in a western world where it's now deemed outrageous to be sober or religious. Versus the holistic, spiritual girl who has found peace and comfort in a beautiful religion and wants to share her story with the world, but has been too afraid. Afraid that those closest to her will disown her for her beliefs.

My curiosity and my ability to delve deeper into the empirical laws of nature, have caused me to never take those things we see on face value, and to question further. Over the years this has naturally had me cast as, “the weird one”, or in more affectionate terms, “quirky”. But due to this deep desire for knowledge, seven years ago I was guided to Islam.

Unfortunately, in my naivety, I shared my new found discovery with some friends on a piss up one weekend (not the best environment I know, but getting drunk is what us Brits do best). Because of the way Muslims are portrayed in western media, this revelation was not received too well, and I was accused of being “radicalized”. I felt exposed and hurt and naturally made the decision to retreat and continue the journey alone. Now too much time has passed, almost eight years living a double life, The Invisible Muslim. It almost feels deceitful to even share this news now with those closest to me, but I know that I must in order to pursue this next chapter of my life.

The Vision

I feel called to use writing as my creative outlet. A way to share my experience as a (not so new) revert to Islam, with all the challenges I have faced on this journey as, The invisible Muslim. I hope that in being honest and gritty, this will inspire those on similar journeys to see that you don’t have to change who you are to continue on this path. That you can still stay true to who you are and not lose yourself in the process.

With increased access to global affairs, people are now beginning to question what the actual fuck is going on in the world and are seeking ways to escape the Matrix. Islam is now the fastest growing religion in the world, yet a large percentage of new Muslims do not continue on their journey to Islam. For many, the influx of new information is too overwhelming and due to differences in culture versus the true essence of the religion itself, it can be difficult to find a support network.

I have always had a strong desire to make a difference in the world, to nurture and help those around me. I would LOVE to be able to build a strong community, where we can empower one another to grow. And in doing so, provide a support network so that nobody ever feels alone in their pursuit for further guidance.

In time, when I am brave enough to plaster my face on the internet, I may move to content creation. For now, I am happy to hone the old school craft of writing and hopefully make use of my witty bants by starting a podcast. Creating a safe space for new Muslims to share their beautiful reversion stories that most definitely need to be shared with the world.

The end goal in the 2025 project, and the absolute dream would be to have the means to be able to do firsthand charitable work. To be able to grow a following, raise awareness and provide aid to those suffering and in need of our help.

And that is why I really resonated with Vocal Media; The ethos of social change inspired me to build my community here. By some impeccable hand of fate, I came across Vocal on Sunday and subscribed to Vocal+. The following evening, I received an email informing me of the final hours remaining to enter the New Year, New Projects competition. Talk about the stars aligning, or what!! What better way to kick off this new year, with my first piece on Vocal. Showing up as the authentic version of ME, bold and courageous enough to claim the purposeful, meaningful life that has always been within me.