Me About Me

What I’ve learned about myself is that I can’t stand throwing things away. Even if they’re completely used up. I don’t wish to throw them away. But I’ve forced myself to do so. It feels like I’m giving up something that doesn’t deserve to be let go. Even if they’re not a great memory for me anymore. My mom has made me aware of hoarding tendencies in our family.

My grandpa is the biggest example of this right now.

It’s been super difficult for him since Grandma went to the nursing home. And he’s never been able to handle throwing things out. Not beer cans or anything like that. He has gotten worse since he’s been banned from seeing her. For a lot of reasons. None of which I feel comfortable disclosing to everyone. But let’s just say their situation is very bad and hard for everyone involved.

The point is that is where we get out hoarding tendencies from. And I see what my mom means these past few months. Since I have books that I haven’t been reading. Along with journals that I haven’t been using. But I can’t give them up as I don’t want to give them up. They’re my stuff and I’ve had enough of people taking my stuff. Especially at work. But that’s another story that I don’t want to get into right now.

There’s so much to unpack with that.

I’ve learned how I don’t care about others perspective of me. That my body isn’t entirely the way that I wanted. But it’s my body and if I get more masculine in the future, good. If I can’t afford to be then I’ll handle it. Masculinity is something that I have been thinking about for a while. The place that I normally get a haircut at is closed. Permanently. And I’m afraid of giving myself a haircut as I fear that I’ll mess it up. I want to look masculine, but I don’t want to look stupid. Which is a fear that I’ve had for years now. Since I was younger and bullied in school. Looking different or wrong is something that I worried about for so long. Despite how much progress that I made in not caring about how others think. I can’t shake the old worry that people will tell me that I look stupid or childish is still there.

Being bullied really messed with my head more than I anticipated. But I still won’t try it, and I’ll get my reaffirming haircut when it’s warmer though. As I have decided to find a place to get a masculine haircut. Hoping to find one during the Summer so that I don’t freeze. Since Winter in the Midwest isn’t good for short haired folks.

It isn’t great in Maine but, the Midwest is worse.

I have been trying do dress more masculine as well. But buying clothes hasn’t been exactly all that great. Since me and my mom are the only ones paying rent. Which is a frustration that I’ve been handling for a while now. That I can also put up with and talk about later. Right now, I hate that everything I wear is androgynous. Not that this is terrible or anything like that. But I want to dress more masculine. Look more like a man rather than look like a tomboy. Nothing wrong with being a tomboy but looking like a girl isn’t comfortable for me. Especially when people at my job call me ‘ma’am’ or ‘miss’ and in some cases ‘mama/mami’. There are a few times that folks call me ‘sir’ and then apologize for it.

A few of them know better now as I gently tell them ‘No, you were right the first time’ and smile at me.

Luckily none of them have gotten mad at me. Or threatened to report me like the one time I corrected a lady about my co-worker. Which I find utterly confusing as she said she didn’t understand what gender she was. So, I corrected her. But that’s for another time. Since the election, I’ve been concerned about being more masculine as well. It’s an odd combination of wanting to be a man and wanting to stay feminine. As I fear what will happen when more people start to realize that I’m trans and question me. Like this one young woman had. She asked me about my trans pride beads. And openly asked me if I was trans and I froze. Froze staring at her as I mentally realized how many people were around. How loud she was when she asked about it. Having this frozen smile on my face as I stood there. Her friend took her away from me. Quietly chastising her about asking that sort of question out loud.

Though this was before the election.

It made me feel bad about it as well as feeling like an idiot. Since I was sort of asking for it by wearing pride colors. But she didn’t need to blurt out a question like that. After all, who asks something that is deeply personal of a stranger. My brain was sort of messed up thinking over the whole situation. Feeling like an asshole and uncomfortable at the same time. That it was my fault for wearing my pride stuff so openly. Like I have pronoun pins. One that I bought from where I work and two from the people I work with. Yet, I shouldn’t feel like this. And I know that I shouldn’t be feeling like this. There shouldn’t be shame in being proud of who I am as a person or proud that I am transgender. There shouldn’t be shame in wanting to be more masculine. Or any form of fear in wanting to be manly.

But there is.

That this is fear from transphobia and the election. Made worse by the election if I’m being brutally honest. But I feel that the next year, I’m going to try and go with ‘fuck it’ as my new saying. To just throw myself into a masculine sense and not care how others perceive me. That my insecurity isn’t going to chain me down anymore. And that it may have gotten to me this year. But I’m going shut up the Dysphoria Fairy and shove her annoying ass down.

Next year, I’m going to be the man that I envision myself as. No matter what.