Love a little loneliness

I used to be that girl, the girl who was the life of the party, the girl who was loud and wild, who always had plans and made friends wherever she went. I enjoyed having something to do and having some company with me. I wasn't the type to be found eating at restaurants by myself or trying something new alone. I thought to be a successful adult, I always needed to be busy and push myself even though I might be exhausted.

Even after I got married and had kids, I was always planning a bbq, a party, or hanging out at the race track with my husband and our friends. Maybe it was how I was raised, or perhaps it was just the constant need to feel busy, but I always felt lousy after a day wasted at home doing nothing. I couldn't stand being at home unless I was cleaning or doing something proactive like painting different rooms or working in my yard. That was until 2020 came to be a very chaotic year.

Leading up to 2020, I had been on a few years of self-discovery and trying to find my place in this world. I had dropped out of college early in the pursuit of a career that never happened and had started a family in the meantime. In about five years, I had lived a hectic life for a so-called millennial. We had moved several times, had two kids, changed jobs a few times, and eventually settle in our new hometown of Hays, Kansas. I had also restarted college and eventually graduated with a degree in history in the fall of 2019. Needless to say, when 2020 rolled around, I was hoping that maybe it would be just a little less crazy.

Well, 2020 happened, and it wasn't an easy year. It led me to rethink who I am and what I want in life. While most of my time was occupied with work during the day and homeschooling in the evening for our two boys, lockdown proved I had no real hobbies. I hadn't read anything besides school books in years; I had outgrown videogames; I can't play an instrument to save my life, and I'm not artistic. After my children went to sleep in the evenings, I would find myself bored and stuck in the repetitive viewing of my favorite tv shows on Netflix. So I began to contemplate what a few of my favorite things were. I grabbed a notebook and decided to write them out. This led me on a journey that would forever change my point of view.

While I wrote out all of my favorite things, I began to discover that maybe I wasn't so dull after all. I realized that I enjoy my time alone and just writing or listening to music. I am by nature a daydreamer and was always writing scenarios in my head or creating stories that I would replay thousand times. I no longer needed the noise and activity to keep me busy in my home.

This was when I promised myself that I would start to flush out my thoughts and transfer them to paper. In 2020 I lost my mother to lung cancer, and it had been a dream of hers to write a book. My mother and I never had much in common when I was younger, and I never thought that I would be like her when I grew up, but I realized that perhaps we had much more in common than I initially thought.

With the beginning of a new year and time for new resolutions, I have decided to continue my writing in 2021. Not only to fulfill my mother's wishes but to provide a hobby for myself and to prove to my children that life doesn't always need to fast and furious. It is more than ok to enjoy time alone and find hobbies that are so much more than video games and sports. 2021 will be the year that I become proud of myself and what I have accomplished. I am becoming a better writer every day, and with that, I am finding new ways to parent my children in times that are so uncertain.

This past year has taught me that hobbies can be anything, and they are critical to one's health and outlook on life. Here’s to 2021 and the hope of a brighter future and a productive year for writing!