Lost in Lockdown

Well, this is not fun, not having a job but being bombarded with college work. Luckily, I am still being paid from my bar job, but I’m stuck inside doing, what feels like, endless typing. My college document is almost at 10,000 words, and I’m pretty sure that isn’t even halfway, I had 12 days until my deadline, and I am struggling being stuck inside because I have so much to do. If I were still working, I definitely would not finish this work in time. Whilst I do go outside, in the garden, or for walks, I miss actually being able to go out, I miss waking up knowing that I can go out for food without having to spend more time queueing than shopping. Whilst I am not a big drinker, I miss going to the pub to play pool and socialise with my friends/colleagues. As much as I hate waking up early, I miss seeing my friends in college, I miss my teachers, and I miss the class banter. This is my final year in college, it’s highly unlikely that I’ll get to experience the jokes in college again and see my teachers. As soon as this lockdown is over, I’ll have to get a full-time job to pay bills and so I’m not just sitting at home with no income.

However, on the flip side, being at home has reduced my body aches and has increased my creativity. I don’t think my mental health is doing too well, I’m waking up sad and feeling empty and useless most days, and as much as I don’t want to wake up feeling like this, there isn’t anything I can do about it, the people that usually cheer me up, I can’t see. I’m stuck in a house where my emotions are getting the better of me, whilst my pile of work seems to be increasing. This isn’t a cry for help, I’m just expressing how I feel lockdown is ruining my mental health. I don’t usually spend a lot of time at home, I’m usually either working, or at college, so I do not enjoy this. I feel lost, everyday seems to be a repeat of the previous, whatever I was doing yesterday, I’m doing today and tomorrow.

I’ve been checking up with people I care about to make sure they’re okay in the current situation, and I’m taking advantage of technology, by calling my friends and playing games whenever I can, but it’s not enough, I feel myself slipping towards a dark place I spent ages climbing out of, I took care of myself and learned to be happy, but this lockdown is just making my feel so dull and gloomy, and I know that at some point I’ll end up in the dark place I spent a long time escaping.

I guess stay positive and keep busy has gone out the window, I can’t do either, whilst I have to make sure it looks like I’m enjoying staying at home, I know that I can admit on here, that I am not. Luckily, there are long series to binge, and livestreams on YouTube that I can play in the background to fill the empty background noise, because I know if there was nothing playing, and all I could hear was me typing, I would go insane, but because there’s something to fill the empty noise, I feel somewhat better. I haven’t used this time to exercise, if we still have to remain in lockdown during summer, I will probably exercise then and sort my body and health out.

I know this whole thing was me moaning, but I hope everyone who can’t work is having fun and staying happy and smiling. I guess the only way we’ll get through this, is together, we all have a part to play in the survival of COVID-19, so stay home and stay safe.