Life of a hopeless (yet successful) dreamer

This is a story about my life, my 47 years long journey on the planet called Earth. Through my writings I would like to share my adventures with others, show them how I've dealt with adversities of life, how I've found blessings in disasters, joy in the ordinary, how I've changed failure into lessons and successes, and how I've managed to change my impossible childhood dreams into my reality. After all I went through I know

our life depends only and solely on us, for it doesn't depend on what happens to us, but how we react to whatever happens to us, we are the only person in control of our life.

If someone asked me what is most important in life, I would say (except of the obvious, like courage, perseverance, determination and so on) forgiveness as this gives us freedom to move on. Never listen to people who tell you that you can't achieve something, that you aren't good enough, that's their opinion, mostly coming from jealousy and their frustration with their own lives, it really doesn't matter what others think about us. Believe in yourself, follow your dreams and the world is your oyster, nothing and nobody can stop you. Just read my story and you will understand.

My childhood

I grew up in a communistic country, where I experienced martial law, curfew and all these excitements. When I mention this to people many feel sorry for me, but it's only because they don't understand... My family was poor, we didn't have any material wealth, I didn't have many toys, with my sister we were helping at house chores and working for our pocket money since I can remember. And I loved it, for I had something not many kids ever experience. I had loving, caring and supporting family.

Already as a little kid I learned what is truly important in life – the value of family and true friends, gratitude and forgiveness, the power of courage, faith and hope. I also learned all the skills which are so important in adult life, like time and finance management, prioritization, communication and negotiations skills, problem solving and creativity, and much more.

I had the best childhood a kid could wish for, childhood filled with love and support, but also preparing me for adulthood.

I also had a dream. I wanted to be free (communism is anything but freedom), travel the world, experience different cultures, ride on a motorbike through remote exotic territories and live in a place where there is plenty of space, friendly people and where I can be surrounded by animals and nature. Everybody told me it was impossible – not only the borders were closed and we couldn't leave the country, but my family was poor.

People laughed at me and my dreams saying “You are crazy, you will never achieve it. It’s impossible!”. I looked at them thinking to myself: ‘You watch me!’ When I started living my dreams, people stopped laughing. It's a pity as actually I like to make people laugh

High-school time – going through hell and PTSD

When I was 15 years old my perfect fairy-tale life came to an abrupt end. I went to a high-school where I wasn't accepted, pushed away by students and humiliated by teachers, who tried to force me to be who they wanted me to be. I stood up to who I was and what I believed in, and teachers couldn't tolerate this.

Furthermore my beloved grandpa died suddenly (heart attack), my parents had a lot of financial troubles and simply no time for me. My little sister... Yes, my sister is the most wonderful person I've ever known, but at that time she was just my little sister. I felt lonely, unloved and unwanted. This pushed me towards the 'wrong environment', which I almost paid for with my life. No, I never took drugs or anything like that. Things just went very wrong...At some point people said I was difficult, vicious and ungrateful for I run away from home. No, though I was missing for 3 nights, it wasn't because run away from home. I wanted to go home, but...I was too scared... These 3 days were so petrifying, but... I don't know what was worse the assault I had experienced, or what happened after. What I know is that I ended up with PTSD. I wished people (especially cops) understood if you do something because you have a knife held at your throat or are threatened in any other way, whatever you do isn't because you want to do it, but because you are scared. Not to mention I was a petrified 16 years old girl.

From there things went worse. If you think stigma around depression is bad in western countries, then try to have depression in a communistic or post-communistic country. They will do what they can to push you towards suicide... I hardly ever went to school as... why bother, they would only push me down even more, the teachers publicly humiliated me, whatever I did was wrong and I would never get good marks. Actually 6 months before my final exams the school director said to me he would make sure I didn't pass one of the exams, he just hadn't decided which one yet.

Everybody was telling me that all the bullying and humiliation at school, the assault and so on was my fault, I actually deserved it, because I refused to changed, and become as I "should be", "be normal and fit in". Despite all these I've never regretted I stood up to who I was, and didn't change to fit in.

Unfortunately all the bullying at school, listening to people, including my family members, telling me and everyone around that I would never achieve much in life (actually the only person who mostly believed in me was my dad, but he didn't have time for me, so I didn't get the necessary support), all my negative experiences with various people made me extremely defensive. It came to a point that nobody could approach me. Regardless how friendly and polite the people were I assumed they just wanted to push me down and break me, so... I attacked them before they could say anything. At the end, attack is the best defense...

Nonetheless not everything that time was dark, doom and gloom. There was also a tiny spark of light. I met a wise elderly lady, whom I was helping at home and in this way earning my pocket money. For me, however, our relationship wasn't about money. It was about having someone who cared about me and understood me, someone I could learn from. She didn't have children, so for her I was like a granddaughter. She didn't replace me my grandpa, but she definitely filled the void he left. Every time after I finished helping her with home chores, she would make me a drink and we sat at the kitchen table and talked. She listened to me, but she never gave me any direct advises, she would simply tell me stories from her life, and through these stories she gave me answers to all my questions. I knew with her knowledge and wisdom I would succeed in life.

I also got a dog, and so I had someone who...loved me without any conditions (my parents obviously always loved me, too, but they were too busy and didn't have time for me, they couldn't understand me or my issues and therefore I couldn't feel their love). And I created my 'imaginary friend' – I imagined that somewhere there in the world was someone who loved me and accepted me for who I was.

When I was 18 or 19 years old my life started to change. It was well before I even graduated from the "night-mare high-school", and it was me who did a conscious decision about changing my life.

Yes, exactly, it wasn't my circumstances which suddenly changed, or a "miraculous knight appeared on a white horse to save me". No, it was me who decided I didn't want to live that unhappy life, drowning in despair and depression. I wanted to be happy again. I remember the day when I decided to change my life... It was a rainy day, that day even more things went wrong, and I was standing there in the rain, wet and cold, thinking to myself "God, I don't care if you exist or not, but if you somehow save me from this disaster and get me home safely, I promise you, I will change. At the end, if everything and everybody is wrong, if the entire world is wrong, maybe it's not the world that needs to change. Maybe it is me who needs to reevaluate my behavior and change, change not who I am, but how I react to the world and my circumstances, change my attitude towards myself and towards others...”

After high-school – light at the end of the tunnel

As my school director promised I felt in one of the exams, in Polish or call it literature. I guess this was the only promise this corrupted man ever kept but... let's not talk about him, he isn't the star of my story. I eventually passed the exam, but it was much later and I couldn't go to university that year. I went to a banking school, just in order to have some job-qualifications. Suddenly I was accepted at school, teachers and students liked me, I had very good marks without even trying particularly hard. I also joined other groups of people where I was liked and wanted. Life started to improve and I was happy. Nonetheless, as usually, not everything went to plan, and luckily so.

After I completed the banking school I tried to go to university and study, but I failed by just one point. At that time Poland tried to support students from disadvantaged/non-educated families, and because my father is highly educated, I went to the exam with "penalty points" - meaning, number of points were subtracted from my exam results. If my dad wasn't educated, I would be accepted at the university.

I struggled to find a job, and when I finally got one, 5 months later I was told I wasn't "good enough" and I got fired. Interestingly, at the same time a friend of my coworker also tried to find a job, and she was perfect for my position. I tried to find another job, but all I could get was a baby-sitter position... It was difficult to ignore all the negative talks about me, how useless and hopeless I was, how I wouldn't achieve anything in my life, how I would spend my entire life living on 'social security' because I "wasn't good enough for anything". Nonetheless, I didn't give up. At that time I had a vision for my life, I had a dream I wanted to achieve and though I had no idea how to turn my dream into my reality, I concentrated on my goal, and didn't let the negative talks push me down.

I was 22 when I got to know about an organization which gave young Polish people the opportunity to improve their German language skills while working as Au-Pair in Germany. I couldn't speak German at all, but... who cares, I applied for the position anyway. And, against all odds I got it. I still remember the interviewer words: “I interviewed 4 people before you, and I sent them all home because their German wasn't good enough. And on the contrary to you they could speak German. But I sign your papers. You are too smart to waste your life in this country” This was the turning point in my life.

Emigration to Germany – study, first romantic relationship, and first love

With 23 I left Poland for Germany. The family I lived with as an Au-pair was amazing, very lovely and supportive people, and... rich. They treated me as if I was their daughter. During this year I decided I wanted to study in Germany – mathematics on one of the best technical university in Europe.

Everybody told me: “You lost your mind! Only 20% of all students graduates, and they speak German. You can't even speak the language... Plus you will need to work in order to finance your study. No, you have no chances!”

Actually similar was when later I chose the supervisor for my diploma thesis, everybody told me: “You are crazy! Hardly anyone passes an exam by him! Even if you manage to get through with your diploma thesis you will never get a good marks!”.

Well, I made it to the 20% and I had good and very good marks at the end.

It wasn't easy to get there – for some time I lived in a moldy cellar, for... I had the 'wrong citizenship', so nobody would rent me an apartment, and anyway I couldn't afford it. I was dying twice – once in sickness and once in an accident. I was studying full-time, working in the evenings and for some time also still visiting language school to improve my German skills. But I did it.

My personal life was also changing. Already in the first year in Germany I met someone... I wouldn't say I fell in love with him, it was more in the way that I wanted to love and to be loved, and though the only thing we had in common was emigration we ended up in a relationship. Oh well, it was also how I learned about 'domestic violence', but... I got out of it relatively easy without much damage (unfortunately not all of all my colleagues were so lucky, but... that's different story).

I was 26 years old when for the first time I fell in love. I thought Andy was 'the love of my life”. Our first 4 years together were like fairy-tale – we studied together, traveled through Europe together, and simply enjoyed life together. Financially was better as well, as my sister got scholarship and later she started working, so she helped me a lot.

When I finished uni my relationship with Andy became shaky, and also my career was uncertain. Well, maybe it wasn't so much about my career, but about my future in general. I knew I didn't want to stay in Germany – I had my degree which was my 'ticket to freedom'. When I got offered a position at one of the biggest insurances in Germany, with the prospect to continue my education as an actuarial, I threw the papers into the rubbish bin, I called them and said I found different position (though all I had was an internship). 3 more years in Germany simply wasn't an option for me, I wanted out of there (yes, I know, if I finished my education as an actuarial, my financial future would be very bright, I was told this; but money has never been something I was after. I wasn't ready to "sell my life" - and I probably never will be ready for that)

Andy broke up with me and left for Australia. I was heart broken, but I knew somewhere out there is the life I want to live, and it definitely wasn't in Germany.

Emigration to Australia – from homelessness to living my dream

Two weeks after Andy left he called me crying on the phone, saying he did a mistake breaking up with me and he asked me if I would like to join him in Australia. Of course I wanted – not only to be with him, but to live in a country I wanted to live in. With Polish citizenship getting even tourist visa to Australia was bordering with a miracle. But, as it is in life, if you are determined enough you will get what you want – 3 months later I got tourist visa for 6 months with the condition 'No further stay'.

As soon as I arrived in Australia I fell in love with the country. The way from there was very very rocky. I managed to get the condition removed from my passport, and so I could apply for another visa. Without work permit finding a job was impossible – it was what I was told, nonetheless a year later I found a job... It took months for my work permit to get approved, and until today I'm grateful to the lady who gave me the job and went through all the troubles to sponsor my work-visa.

In the meantime my relationship with Andy deteriorated – he became verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive until one day I found myself homeless without any money, family or friends, with broken heart, waiting for my work-permit to get approved. And it was when (again) I got reminded about the power of kindness and gratitude, I was practically living on mercy of others.

On one hand I was absolutely devastated, on the other hand... Couple of months after my work-visa got approved, though I still had debt and no money for food, I took a loan and bought a motorbike.

People said I was crazy – oh well, they were telling me this all my life, so who cares. I decided to live my dreams.

And so I was working long hours during the week, in the first few months in the evenings I was still a researcher at a university, but any spare moment and every weekend or holidays I was traveling on my motorbike. I went to beautiful places, met wonderful people and had breathtaking adventures.

And so I turned the worst and most difficult for me time into the most wonderful memories. I lived my dream.

A year later I met George. We both liked motorbike travels and country life style (or so I believed), so when 18 months later he said he wouldn't mind if I was his wife, I said okay. And so I got married. Well, I wouldn't say it was a mistake, rather a lesson I needed to learn. Yes, we bought a farm together, but... Though I really really tried to be a good wife, George couldn't stand my cheerful and optimistic personality, he worked very heard on me to change me, but... as he said I refused to change. He also hated the farm. So 6 years later I asked for divorce and we separated. I love my farm, and I agreed to pay a lot of money to keep my farm.

My current life – yes I live my "impossible childhood dream"

I live on a beautiful farm I love, surrounded by animals I adore, in a country of my choice, in a place I call home. I have friends I can rely on. I have a job I enjoy. On my motorbike I traveled through so many exotic places across Australia, I had unforgettable adventures and met so many wonderful people. In a motor-home I traveled across Canada and around both island of New Zealand, other unforgettable experiences. I visited plenty of places across Europe and when COVID is over I will continue to travel.

I simply live my childhood dream. I might not have material wealth, but I'm rich in experiences and all the wealth money can't buy. I'm having a happy and fulfilled life.

And in regards to my love-life. When Andy left me I was sure I would never love again. Until one day, years later, John came along and show me what love actually means, how it feels to truly love someone and to be deeply loved in return. My personal life is a bit complicated at the moment, but I can say that my 'imaginary friend' from my childhood dreams finally has a name and a face, and it feels great to share my life with my 'soulmate', someone who understands me, believes in me and supports me in whatever I choose to do. John has been in my life for quite few years now and we support each other in pursuing our dreams.

If I should give any advice to anyone I would say:

If you want to have happy and fulfilled life then... Be you! Be yourself! Believe in Yourself! Follow your dreams! And never ever give up! There is always light at the end of the tunnel, there is always hope, so don't give up! One day you will live your dream, just hold on to your dreams and don't give up!