Life and its Mysteries

Life is an interesting journey,one that makes many turns and there are many twists. It will make you strong, but first it will daunt you, it will break you. It will be filled with many beautiful moments. It will bring people to you who you think you will love for a life time, but alas, it may be fleeting. What a mystery life can be to present such beautiful enchanting dream like moments with a person who can be so temporary in your life. I've learned if anything that some people are lessons, some are angels meant to come in our life and impact us in beautiful ways and some friendships are just meant to last a life time.

What I'd say prompted this topic is that sometimes I get curious or need inspiration as an artist and I follow pages of photographers and artists and sort of browse and go digging. I happened to stumble across a small hometown photographer where I once lived. One thing about a photo is the moment and time it puts in a capsule, freezes still. That moment can be both riveting and painful. Stumbling through the portfolio I saw photos of people I knew with old loves, people I knew who had new lives now. Living in a small town you know peoples stories and your hearts both break and heal with each happy ending and through each tragedy even of a total stranger or someone you never got as close to as you might have hoped, to old friends you drifted apart from to find a new melody and way of life, from friends who betrayed and disappointed you. Sometimes something even as simple as a photograph can make your heart ache and want something back that maybe isn't meant for this chapter of your life anymore.

One girl I went to high school with, she became a mother young and I had seen her struggle with a young high school immature father who had failed to be there to help her raise her son. Seeing her and him in several poses, romantic shots of them kissing, him holding her, their hands forming hearts crafted in a beautiful and artistic way. I don't know why it hits me so hard, makes me want to cry. Perhaps I know the struggle being that I was a single mother for almost a year and a half. I know the pain and loss and the nights you wonder "what on earth did I ever do to be here?" though you love your child more than life itself, it is not always enough to make you not question yourself. I saw a photo of another friend that I stopped speaking to, one I was very close to because when I lost my husband in a physical non-permanent sense but she judged my situation and I felt she was not there in the way I needed her to be and she taught me what I didn't need in a person in my life and I closed myself off after years of friendship, it hurt and only in seeing her senior photos did I realize it still really stings.

Tragedy is something no words can truly define. Me losing my heart to a legal injustice; my husband, my high school sweet heart and my best friend of almost ten years, there was no words for that. No words could comfort me, and sometimes the tender nights of holding my son and gazing into his eyes broke my heart more. I found myself looking for solace in all the wrong places and before he was a year. I worked a lot sometimes I wondered if it was easier to not see my son and be reminded of just how screwed up I felt and how painful it was being reminded constantly of what I'd lost and how alone I often felt. I almost ended my marriage after thinking I found love elsewhere because living with the past knowing it would always define our future, knowing it could destroy us or make us stronger made me too afraid to try again to love him again when he returned home from a long bid. I wasn't ready to take any more chances on my heart, it was tired. I self sabotaged, I ran away from him, I pushed him away, I broke his heart thinking I was sparing him a long life of pain; I'd never be happy again the way we once were and he'd never be happy thinking he could make me happy; it wasn't his responsibility after all, it was mine. Our son became a bridge for us, though every first for him was a millionth for me: the first step, the first time holding his hands or putting him on his shoulder or buying him a toy or article of clothing. It all could make me burst into tears. Nothing can be more painful than time lost and sometimes more brutal than new beginnings.

In the end the question is how do we live with the pain and simply keep moving forward? How do we heal? How do we open our hearts again? The answer is not simple but in time we will find new people to connect with or the old wounds will scab over and you will learn to love again in a new way. It may never be the same as it was, maybe this time it will be better; it won't be easy, don't be deceived but in the end you will have a story to tell and it will be all worth it and you will grow stronger and hopefully not bitter or jaded.

I can cry over the past, or I can hold onto hope of the future and the beautiful moments to come, just like the girl from high school who had her heart broken to be married now with four beautiful children, a great career and a beautiful home. As for the friendships that did not work out, I wish them all the best in their lives as well. I know the future I will make will be greater than the life I thought I lost. In the end perhaps I've gained more from this journey, and even bigger lessons. Two beautiful boys later and my lost love back in my life, I can say that some stories truly do have happy endings, though this isn't the ending or the beginning; I'd say we are somewhere in the middle, but I am anxious to see what awaits for me and for you.