Knowing its time to change

When something happens to you that makes you "wake up and smell the coffee"...

Its a tough pill to swallow when you realize that the way you have been looking at things or doing things is why you are far behind in life as you are. The worst part is when it takes something really bad happening to make you realize it. Then not knowing if you can fix what you messed up... again.

Mental health is a big thing now a days and a lot of people still don't understand it. I still don't fully understand it and I suffer from it. I suffer from depression and from trauma from my past.. I guess you can call it PTSD. It affects me every day with negative thinking that the same things are going to happen again. It affects me in a way that I end up being the person that drags the mood down if I'm having a bad day. If I'm frustrated and/or angry and/or upset I end up subconsciously wanting everyone around me at that time to feel the same way. It's not a good trait to have, in fact it has pushed a lot of people away from me.

Well when you push the one person away that you want closer to you, it hurts... bad. And that's exactly what I did... again. Well you finally hit a point in your life when you just say enough is enough and do something. I hit that point.

I have to say that I was never the person to be all like, yeah go to a therapist, they'll make it all better, they get it. I was always the person that just tried to figure it out on my own. Well obviously it hasn't exactly worked for me. So I broke down and started speaking to a therapist. Now I do have to say with Covid it is weird talking to someone I've never met before over the phone and not being face to face, but I do have to say it seems to be working, or at least I just feel a little better talking about stuff in general and letting myself become vulnerable. But I'm doing it with someone who "doesn't know me", so I guess its easier because I don't feel like I'm being judged by a friend or something.

Although this whole going to therapy thing is new for me and still a kind of weird experience, I am finding it helpful to have someone who can dissect what I'm thinking and feeling and able to explain it to me. It has been helpful, although maybe too late for my current situation, but it can't get any worse, right? So I'm using a lot of the advice and reasoning that I've had explained to me to be better. Maybe not in the situation I'm in, but it will definitely help me a lot more in life in general. I want to be better than I was yesterday, and not as good as tomorrow. I want to be more positive, and therapy has helped me figure out how to do it. It's still hard to do though. It's breaking old habits, learning different way of expression, learning how to cope, it's a lot. It's overwhelming, but it's something that has to be done.

I had to open my mind and take the first step. I made the appointment. Step two is to maintain it, which I have been. Things can only get better from here. Each day I try to keep an open and positive mindset. I try to not sweat the small stuff and let more stuff roll off. I do more things to keep myself busy so my brain is kept occupied. I have to keep my brain busy or else I get time to overthink. Overthinking is so bad. It is what has gotten me into most of the trouble I've been in.

If you've gotten anything out of this that's great. If not it's ok too. Just trying to take care of myself and opening up. If any of this has given you the courage to start to take the first step in fixing what is broken, then do it. It doesn't hurt. It shows that you are trying.

"No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying." ~Tony Robbins~