Just Do What You Need to Do

I have been reading essays by Roxane Gay; first, her book called Bad Feminist about a culture that values women only when they show up in certain, pre-set and pre-approved ways, and now Hunger, a book / collection of essays about her body, her struggle with hating it and feeling trapped inside of it ever since she was raped at 12 years old. I have really enjoyed it because of the way she writes: plainly, honestly, and in a way that makes it easy to imagine what it's like to be her, and that's fascinating.

Her life story is often heartbreaking, but I admire the way she just lays it out, exactly how it is. It is amazing to listen to the ways that she coped throughout the years, and to hear how she has kept going, how she has done the best she can. I am proud of her. I feel like I know her.

I am not a stranger to hurt, either. Though I have no personal experience with the same type of assault Roxane Gay has, I have known people with similar stories and it hits very close to home, since many of these people are my family members and dearest friends from throughout the years. I have often been heartbroken for them, upset at myself for not having been there to stop it and wracked with rage and spite for those who hurt them.

No one is really a stranger to hard, horrible truths. So very many of us have been through horrible things. Things that are hard to speak of. Things that make other people want to leave the room when you bring them up. Things that make you not want to be in the room with other people, either because they are the ones who hurt you or because they look like the ones that hurt you or because you are afraid if they knew about the things you're fighting, they wouldn't want to spend time with you anymore. They wouldn't have the time to hold your hand through it, they wouldn't care to spend their energy on it, they wouldn't understand, or they would judge the way you've handled it.

Well, this week I just want to encourage you to just do the best you can. Just do what you need to do to get through it, to live another day.

And try as much as you can to be understanding and kind to yourself. YOU are the only one that matters. I mean, your relationships matter, too, but your relationships will all suffer if you have no ground to stand on with yourself. Your relationships do the best when you know how you feel, how to communicate that, and you aren't so afraid of the mental / emotional battlefield that could ensue that you don't dare bring anything up. I'm sorry to say that you can't hide forever. You will regret many things if you hold everything inside, but if you are not ready, it is okay to ignore things or keep secrets. It's always okay to keep your own secrets. It is always okay to tell your secrets. It is never anyone else's right to silence you. You, and only you, can make this decision.

Remember that when you share your burden with caring, loving, understanding people, it becomes lighter. Share your burden with people who love you, really love you, and no one else. Give yourself over to good people, who do not put you down or make you feel worse or try to convince you of what you do not agree with or try to tell you how you are feeling. Share your story with the people who listen and who do not judge you. They are out there, even if you do not believe that there are.

Challenge yourself to bring down the walls when it is safe. Never ignore a true cry to keep them up. Be patient with yourself. Write how you feel, even if you are ashamed of it. Write in code so you don't have to worry about being found out. Be alone with yourself sometimes, and do not judge the person who shows up. Do what you like to do. Practice shutting out the voice that questions every move that you make and insists it's the wrong one. That is not you. That is part of you, but it is not the best part, and you don't have to let it win. As Mama Ru says, you can always tell that voice, "Thanks for sharing. That's enough."

I believe in you. I know you can get through this. I am already proud of you for the ways that you will protect yourself, and those tiny victories that you will win over bigotry, fatphobia, sexism, racism and hatred. I know you are better than that. I know you are kind and creative and brave, even when no one is around. I know that you will find your own way, that works for you, that no one can criticize or look down on because it worked, because I know someday, it will have worked. It will get you to a place where you are living your truth, where you know who you are and why that is, where you know what you need and how to get it, where you stand where you belong and you're comfortable there.

Don't let people call you lazy. Don't let them call you ugly. Don't let them call you mean, fat, worthless, stupid, or anything less than. There is no such thing as better than, not really. Someone may be better than you at organizing meetings, but they will be worse than you at something else. Likewise, you may be better at strategy games than someone who excels at finding the probability of x. Neither one is more valuable than the other; rather, they each have value in every situation. Your perspective is unique, your experience is unique, and you have a special ability to add to the conversation in just the way you can when you are in a room. You don't have to, though. You can listen to others and enjoy being there. You can do whatever you want and it is still okay. You are not crazy, you are not evil, you are not wrong. You have seen hurt. You have learned things. You have made mistakes. You have also had great insight.

You are made of exactly the same stuff as the very best human. You know what you are meant for already, whether you know that you know it or not.

You can do anything you want to do, but you kid yourself that you want to do things which you really do not. Who you are is simple, because it is running through you all the time, and all you have to do is be brave enough to hear the answer as it is. As you are.

If you are disconnected from who you are, do not worry. You cannot lose yourself. It is not possible. Keep listening to yourself. Write. Be honest. Be private with yourself and take care of you. Even if you have children or you take care of someone, take time to go into your own thoughts. Learn to live there. If you cannot safely go there, get help. Keep trying. Tell the people around you no, tell them "later," do what you have to do and don't apologize or feel guilty about it. It will not last forever, it is not selfish, and it does not mean that you don't love others. Of course you do, you are worried about upsetting them. You wouldn't do that if you didn't love them. Love doesn't mean that you always make them comfortable and you make their lives easy, it means that you respect them and that you honor them as a human who is no better or worse than you.

If someone is different than you or is encroaching on this space, it is okay to move farther from them. Maybe they were in your life for a time and they taught you things, and if so, you will always have that. You can even tell this person how much you appreciate what they have done for you and taught you in this period of your life. You are not obligated to carry them with you forever through life, even dragging them behind or shouldering the entire relationship out of obligation. I give you permission to take the steps you need to take in this life. I know you will figure it out.

I also hereby give you permission to write down micro-aggressive statements that you often hear, come up with snarky come-backs, and actually use them. I dare you - and allow you - to stand up for yourself. At least try it. There are a million ways to do it, and you deserve to find your own. It is inevitable that you will receive criticism. It doesn't mean that you are failing, in fact it doesn't mean anything about who you are at all. You are the one who says whether or not that opinion of you rings true. One of my favorite quotes is, "No one can tell you anything about yourself that you do not already believe." and while this saying does not apply to every situation - if you are fat, that's hard to argue; likewise with skinny, smart, tall, talkative, etc., - that doesn't mean that the truth about you has to be an insult... even if that's how the other person meant it.

I give you permission to laugh at it like they meant it as a joke. Something like, "You're stupid if you think that's true," seems a lot less cutting when you laugh at it, as if the idea that you are stupid is hilarious in its own right. And it is! You know what you know from experience, and what you don't know yet, you will learn when the time comes, and I know you will do that gracefully.

I give you permission to argue. I give you permission to disprove close-minded statements with precision and mercilessness. I give you permission to make other people look stupid with fact-based arguments, even in front of their mother, their boss, or their love interest. I give you permission to be wrong and to say, "Oops, I guess I was wrong then," and brush it off, literally drop it, and move on with your life, unplagued by the fact that you got it wrong once.

I give you permission to do what you have to do, and to trust yourself.