JUST CALL ME SONNY

Just how important is it to understand decisions others make? I have found that decisions we all make affects more than just us. It affects all those around us. Sometimes we have no idea how we shape the personalities, the character, the idiosyncrasies, the mental well being, the self esteem and the psychology of those we love and are near to. I have also learned that healing my psychology was imperative to my survival as an adult. In striving to do just that, I came to understand that forgiveness was an integral part of that healing. Of course forgiveness is not always easy to achieve. But I found that understanding leads to acceptance. And acceptance leads to forgiveness.

As a young girl, I was lied to about the circumstances of my parents separation and ultimate divorce when I was 6. But that is another story. I mention it because it was the root of my struggle with the main theme of my life -- REJECTION. My mother went on to remarry a man who was 10 years younger than her and 10 years older than me. I was 9 when they married. I liked my new step-father -- he was pretty cool. But I called him Sonny. As kids, my siblings and I called him Sonny when he was dating my mother. When they married, I was hoping to call him DAD, but that did not happen. I was a little girl just looking for the acceptance of a father. I wanted a daddy. Sonny provided for us, and he was good to me. I can't complain. But with the rejection I felt from a lie perpetrated by my mother over why my father left....I had that issue with rejection. And it grew when Sonny did not want us to call him dad. My mother and he went on to have other children, they called him dad but the rest of us called him Sonny.

Atelophobia is an obsessive fear of imperfection -- it causes you to have a fear of never being good enough. It affects your self-esteem and your self worth. I felt like I was not good enough for Sonny to really accept me as his step-daughter. I took him not allowing me to call him dad as REJECTION. The bitter root of rejection grew inside me and caused me to make bitter root judgements and bitter root vows that would affect my psychology, character and personality to this very day. It was the basis of all life decisions I made -- and I made some bad ones. These are things I struggle with daily -- even though I have discovered and work on uprooting those bitter roots and dispelling them.

I found that even when you discover things were not as they were presented to you, they still affected and shaped who you became. Just because you discover something was a lie does not mean that it erases decades of that lie shaping you into the person you are. The same is true when you discover the truth behind why a person makes a decision. But in this case it was a little easier for me to uproot those bitter roots. Understanding the WHY behind Sonny's decision made is easier for me to accept his decision to not have me call him dad. And that acceptance lead to forgiveness on my part towards him, and towards myself -- for thinking I was not good enough. Don't get me wrong -- it still shaped my character and personality...but it made that chapter of my life bearable when remembering those days of growing up.

You see, as an adult in my late 40's, I discovered that at the age of 8, Sonny's father had died. He was named after his father and they called him junior. He loved his father very much. His mother remarried and her new husband adopted Sonny. Not only did he adopt him, but he changed his name -- gave him his name and made him a junior to him. Sonny hated this. He rebelled against it because he was old enough to remember his father, loved his father and did not feel that anyone could wipe out his memory or take his place. It became a bitter root for him.

Sonny did not want us to feel like he was wiping out the memory of our father. He did not want us to become bitter because we thought he was trying to take our father's place. He wanted to be there for us and love us -- but he wanted to respect our feelings. He did not want us to become bitter like he did. As a child, I did not know this. As an adult I understand it.

Understanding leads to acceptance -- acceptance leads to forgiveness.