"I'm sorry" vs...

Loving people is and can be very hard, ego is constantly offended if let roam freely. I am learning how hard I can be to love sometimes and how hard it can be to accept and forgive someone their ego, flaws, character defects whatever you want to call them. Honoring our humanity while straining to remember we are divine beings living in a rented unit is the most challenging and rewarding process I've encountered so far in recovery.

Almost 5 years into this journey of self-discovery, actualization and realization and every new experience is mind-blowing and an emotional car-wreck if I let it. Fuck it's hard not to though, emotional regulation is not my strong suit yet. I just figured out my worth and finally shed the shame it came shrouded in. Guilt imposed on self for not living up to your unrealistic expectations of me, people pleasing for validation and value, and generally caring too much what people thought of me. This veil has been so hard to lift personally and absolutely excruciating to simply observe in others.

I am struggling not to throw in the towel. Do I give in and let the dark side keep him for he refuses to follow the light I provide? Do I resign as his guidance counselor and switch careers, and I know I should simply observe without judgment for each must follow their own path, but I love him. I love the man that cares to start my car in the morning, tells me " I am not my thoughts" when I get too into my own head. I can't find him today.

He wanted us to go to another friend's house (same group) today to watch an acquaintance race his truck. Seriously my dude?! Do you not learn at all from your lessons? Or is it me that is missing the lesson in that I need to let him go once and for all. Why keep playing the game when he keeps showing me his hand? I know the behavior is coming because the speed of his internal revolution is a 2 instead of a 10. Bitter to the very end, he resists with the reserve of a mid-west man incapable of admitting he is often wrong but it's ok.

Feelings won't kill you, but I might. JK! I suppressed emotions for so many years with Jack Daniels, red-bull slushies from ShoreClub and who knows how many PBR & a shot deals I participated in back in my day but it was A LOT. I recover daily from a disease meant to kill me, so yeah I find anyone in the fight to be a superhero, myself included. Practicing detachment intentionally vs being detached from your emotions are very different states of being and it seems we have both situations residing under one roof. How do we start over? Do we? Look at the price I've paid for freedom, it may cost me you.

It's not about you walk away from, it's about you walk away with. In this relationship I have learned, grown and changed beyond recognition, I couldn't be more grateful for the power this has released within my spirit and soul. I am free to admit when I am wrong and how I have hurt those around me, I can make amends by NOT repeating the behavior, I can choose to use the experience to avoid the situation again. I can also withhold my energy from those who keep abusing its privilege, cut my ties and move on with my skillset levelled up, motivation on point and fired up.