I am here too.

There are so many things one could do with their life. My father told me to do something I enjoy, for he ended up in a cubicle for several decades in order to support our family. I respect him beyond measure for going back to university with kids, later in life and choosing to do something which involves extremely difficult math I have ever attempted. I chose art because I was encouraged to do it, (I was told I should be an artist since Elementary school, and I wanted desperately to learn how to draw) it was also the only thing I felt good at.

I grew up in a college town. There’s a lot of competition in small cloistered communities where academics and science especially, hold sway. I felt strange in comparison to my counterparts who were all competing for the chance at UC Berkeley or Stanford. I could barely see myself graduating high school so I couldn’t see myself attending university, nor did I bother to compete for the top grades because I thought I was inferior. I suppose I gave up in a sense. So I floundered, and was forgotten in a sea rife with the best and the brightest. Sharks.

Because I wanted to make my parents proud, I went away to school two states away; only to come home within two quarters. I ended up at a community college despite the way my town portrayed going to those schools; which was usually shamefully and only out of necessity. What I found from attending a community college was that my home town is pretentious as fuck, and that they need to do some time away from their isolated hamlet in order to see some other types of people. For that is what a community college does, is it collects people from all kinds of walks of life, all of whom really want to be there and to learn something to improve their standing in life. (apart from those 18 or 19 yr olds that are only allowed to live at home if they go to school).

What I found early on during my degree path in Art Studio was that I was attempting to “therapize” myself through my vague understanding of art therapy, and psychology as a whole. I almost have an associates degree in Psychology and a B.A. in Art, because I figured after years of what I now see as self-exclusion (people made efforts to include me, but I resisted and was too anxious after years of social abuse and neglect), I have to analyze why I feel the ways I do, then work on those feelings of self loathing, pity and unworthiness in comparison to my peers who seem to have it all together. And I know life isn’t about one-upping someone, it’s about the competition with yourself, coaxing yourself into your fullest potential and enjoying the ride.

I always thought there was something wrong with me... I think people picked up on it, so I was rejected early. Teased a lot. I ended up a loner, but it made me strong and independent. I’m willing and happy to do things alone these days, while others in my age range have a hard time dealing with the loneliness and reality of their own thoughts.

Despite feeling different or being different from what I view as a majority who depend on human interaction to survive... I make it through by reaching out on the internet, and always have. This is just one more spot to drop some of my thoughts and to meet folks. I hope this pans out somehow or reaches someone. Please be well. Thank you.