I 4got How 2 Breathe

It has been half-a-century and you’d have thought by now I knew how to do this shit! I mean, seriously people, don’t agree that by the age of 50 you should have a TON of common sense shit figured out, right? That’s what I thought until this very moment as I sit here and type this to you on the third day of March of the year 2020, I forgot how to BREATHE…………….

This is something that should come naturally to every thing that draws breath, right? Simply inhale to fill your lungs and exhale to release. The thing about my situation is that I have become more and more aware of what my body is experiencing. This may seem trivial to some but to me this is a new way of life. Thinking about ME, what I truly want out of this life, and who the hell I really am. As I embark upon this there is a lot that comes flooding to you once you become open to it. So I have noticed that, more often than not, I tend to exhale and hold for a ridiculous amount of time! Sometimes longer than the one before. This is not something new because I remember doing this as a child and thinking to myself….”time challenge” and I would count how long I could hold my breath each and every time that desire hit. Walking this new path I have learned so many reasons as to why that happens.

During the exhalation process you are releasing all the negative “parts” from your system with each breath. As a child, I have no clue what the hell this means, but at 50 I KNOW what that means. Which is why it ALL came blasting at me like a firehose on full blast! I realize now that I exhale and hold, subconsciously, hoping to not breathe in anything negative that may get through. That if I simply just continue to exhale longer and longer, that I can truly push out ALL of the negative parts that still remain. The parts that still hurt. Hurt to the point of being warped back in time and I am now sitting RIGHT there, back in the middle of IT. The DRAMA that tortured me throughout my life. That I ALLOWED to transpire around me and completely destroy all happiness I had envisioned for my life. The guttural pain that burned to the top of my head and released waterfalls of tears. Not tears of pity “oh poor me, why” but tears of why am I so horrible that this person would WANT to treat me so badly. What was wrong with me, tears that made me wish I would exhale one last time and be free from feeling SO bad. And each time that it hit me that hard, I would try and convince myself it's possible,”exhale one, two, three, four, five…..10…..30…..ONE min……”. I never made it beyond one full minute because some fire-like feeling would ignite all over me and force my eyes open and my lungs full.

Each time, until recently, I was inwardly (that voice)reminded of the many reasons to draw breath and live on. NO ONE, had or has, any clue that this was going on until now, as I am sharing it with you. I share it freely but don’t kid yourself, I am battling with fear to do so. Which is exactly why I feel THIS needs to be shared. I know that there are more than just me that feel this way and now I am in a place where I can share how I got OUT and continue to get OUT. You see, as I stated, it was an involuntary thing that woke me from each attempt to exhale. It wasn’t like I KNEW what was to come and that I would fail at my attempt and be saved again. “Please” hahahhahaha When I attempted, it was with INTENTION and I was spared. I know this now because this vicious cycle ran its course in my life until the 49th year of my human existence!!! YES, I said forty-nine so-what, gasp and continue LOL It was one evening (exact dates are not my forte) just before my 50th birthday and my partner and I had been strugglin. Strugglin with real life issues of finances and goals that need to be met but the finances...etc. But this night, we were chill, enjoying the evening and enjoying the time together. We ate the delishishness prepared and all was well, so I thought, and thinking is what got me. Some negative thought wave came crashing over me and rode that wave with determination to conquer it. However, I have no damn idea how to surf and the wave got the best of me. This one was not letting go and dragged me around in its turbulence until it had no choice but to spit me out! My body literally said “LISTEN TO ME” and I began to have symptoms of both a heart attack and a stroke. AND I know this because I am (at that moment) studying medical assisting and am well aware of these symptoms. Of course I panicked, and the panic caused more turbulence, which caused me to spiral out and collapse. I remember hitting the sofa and then the floor, unable to cry out to my husband and thinking “this is really it”. It happened so quickly I have no idea when I did make it up enough to cry out to him to call 911, but it barely made it out of my mouth before my body let me know this was just beginning.

After being examined, I was told that there was nothing indicating either stroke or heart attack but was referred to psych instead. Yep, and I went because I was freakin out and needed something to help get this to NOT happen again. I was prescribed the minimal dose of two medications that would allow some normalcy in my brain. I specifically told the physician, “I cannot handle strong doses of chemicals” and requested the lowest. I was only on these for about a year and that is all I needed. During this time it provided something my body must have needed because my eyes opened up to way more than I could have ever imagined. Honestly, I KNOW it required both the experience and the assistance of medicine to perform on me, what I call inner surgery. Think of PeterPan and his shadow and how it needed to be sewn back on after freeing itself to wreak havoc. My shadow had wreaked havoc all over the place and this was my wake up call. I was determined to bring back balance and happiness back into my life at any cost. I just never imagined that it would begin with the simplest of things, remembering how to breathe. I literally have learned to count my way back to breathing life into my body. In fact, I am STILL learning how important it is to be truly aware of your breathing and I HAVE to practice every day because I am continuously removing the thoughts that had tortured me. They didn’t get so toxic overnight and I am well aware the removal will not be easy. I do not mind the work when I KNOW that when I do, I can be free from it. And I will not forget how to breathe again.