How Covid Healed Me- and my Divorce.

A long time ago, I said fuck it and tried just about every drug that was around me at the time. Some people called this a trash can junkie in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I most recognized with this title, as I didn't feel like a drug addict but I knew I had more problems then just alcohol. Everyone's first judgement of you was your drug of choice and I had a special need to be liked by everyone. Perhaps why I tried as many as I could.

You were either a class A Alcoholic, or class A, fill in the blank, drug of choice. And if you didn't fit the bill for either you were an outcast (or at least in my abused state of mind, this was how I felt). So trash can junkie it was, though this is the first time I've claimed myself as so. I seem to have always swam in the grey spaces in between, filling the void of all the extremes. As a double Libra, life has always been about finding the balance, whether good or bad. It makes me sympathize with Eve in the garden. I would have wondered myself mad until I took a taste of the golden apple.

A few years in and out of jail, treatment centers, rehab and several halfway houses later, I finally settled down and got married and found myself pregnant with twins. It sounds terrifying typing it but I was ecstatic, lost in my own delusion that kept me sane. I still live in my own delusion, but I am at least aware of it and use it more mindfully now.

I lived the happy housewife life raising my little heros, sober and mostly content. I always felt like there was this itch I couldn't scratch and it would send me on deep rides into my restless thoughts and helpless desires I didn't know how to attain. One day I read someones experience with depression and started crying. I had depression I realized. There was a word for the weight that sucked every ounce of passion from my soul. I was finally thrown a ladder.

Later that ladder turned into excessive drinking again. It always begins slowly and then progressively takes over. It becomes a complicated road map that no longer gives you pleasure. You drink to drink because you told your brain you cant function otherwise. This was the only cure for my scratch that I could find. And because I was a master manipulator feeding the thing in the closet, I too manipulated myself into who was in charge.

It wasn't until my husband left me for another woman that my world came crumbling down like the false reality I made it out to be. My delusion ran out of things to live on and reality was more real then ever. I was conned into believing my fantasy- that I would live in this unhappy marriage, pretending to be satisfied foreverly ever after.

I suddenly didn't know who I was anymore. I was being pulled in another direction in life with my small business doing circus arts (more of that in another post) and Covid helped move that shift more rapidly. I was also given the opportunity to heal without financial and work stresses with pandemic unempolyment. I was able to dive head deep into exploring myself and what healing actually means. And boy, did I. I had no idea what I was in for or what healing actually meant.

The last couple of years in my healing journy I have partaken in an Ayahuasca ceremony, I got in a relationship with a couple and moved them and their new child into my house, got my heartbroken (again), fell in love (again), started doing loads of lsd and mushrooms, went from a person afraid of being alone to finding my love for deep solitude, fractured my tailbone and my big toe, tried frog venom and tobacco cleanses, explored shamanistic meditations and out of body experiences traveling with angels and became addicted to doing stimulants, and finally scratched my itch and got sober.

I began to hear and see beyond the matrix, (as I sometimes call it) and experienced telepathic communication with my boyfriend, a deeper knowing and connection with my intuition and learned that I am a highly sensitive empath (no wonder I had to drink so much!). I am learning to harness these gifts as gifts and not fear them. My work is always unfolding as I find new layers of myself to explore. As I am just as much apart of this bag of chips I am eating as my hands I use to type.

During this process I have completely lost myself several times. I went through more dark night of the soul experiences then I can count. As soon as I find peace with one of the many expects of myself living in fear, a new one quickly emerges. I began shedding layers so rapidly and releasing so quickly, that I forgot that I too needed to receive. I felt myself deteriorating from giving away parts of myself I feared. I didn't realize how vital all parts of myself were to the whole. This is where I spend my work now. Recollecting the parts of myself that need to be loved.

I am in awe daily of the miracles in the micro that I am constantly finding myself on my knees in gratitude to the macro. It is the only thing that keeps me from going into complete darkness some days. Just finding one small thing to be thankful for, and soon I can't stop! Everything is so perfect and divine, and if that is as true as I know it to be, then so am I.