How A Near Death Experience Freed Me to Live

I was 35 years old, on my way home from a music festival. It was a beautiful day in the Rocky Mountains of British Columbia, Canada, and I looked forward to getting home to a soft bed, a bath, and good meal.

If you asked me that day about my life, I would describe it as good. I owned a small house in a ski resort town, I had been with the same partner for 13 years, had 2 dogs whom I adored and were my companions on my hikes in the hills. My job as a paramedic, although tiring on night shifts, was a blessing to have. I was in good health, took a yearly two-week vacation abroad, and had friends who loved me.

I believed in God, prayed sometimes when I was confused or sad, but spiritualty was not a primary focus for me.

Suddenly, an oncoming vehicle crossed the double center line, moving straight towards us, and was about to hit our vehicle head-on. Our car lost control in effort to avoid it.

This is all I remember:

I closed my eyes. It is time to die, was the first thought I had.

I know this road well from my job, and when a crash happened here it is often deadly. This is because the cars often go over the bank and there is a 700 foot drop.

Time seemed to stop, like I was in a dream.

I have heard that accepting death, and passing peacefully, is important, and so I leaned into my seat and relaxed all of my muscles. My hearing got very diminished like I was wearing ear plugs. I couldn't feel my body, it seemed like I was floating in an swaying invisible energy, without gravity- nothing felt heavy any more! Then this sense of peace. Different than any sense of peace from drugs, alcohol, sex. Even though my eyes were shut- where normally all would be black- there was glowing light. How is there glowing light with my eyes closed?! This is the most "real" feeling I have ever had, my senses are very awake here, and the Earth seems like a distant dream...

More importantly- this feeling, this dimension, it was FAMILIAR. Where do I know this glowing place from? No location or experience on planet Earth has resonated this way, so why is it feel undeniably recognizable? It is giving me the feeling of home, true home, and I am so glad to have made it here.

As I write this, I picture Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz clicking her heels three times in her ruby slippers with a soft light around her saying "there's no place like home, there's no place like home..."

Then everything came back to this reality. The car landed upside down on the cement guardrail, and slowly the muffled sounds got louder and louder. I heard yelling, screaming, metal crushing. I opened my eyes, and all I saw was upside down Douglas Fir trees and a vertical slope. I heard a conversation a bit away from our car, two bystanders who assumed we were dead, discussing if they wanted to actually look at the bodies or not.

Miraculously, neither of us suffered more than whiplash and a concussion.

The following days were a bit of a blur.

Phone calls with insurance companies, lawyers. Physiotherapy appointments, time off work.

What remained, however, was awareness of this place. To this day, I can find a quiet place, close my eyes, and tap into the feeling of it. The event itself was just beginning. When I arrived home I felt strongly that I was protected somehow during the crash. A higher power, that some call God, Creator, or Great Mystery, went from being a belief from my Christian upbringing to an absolute reality that no one could argue with. In my direct experience there is another dimension outside of this realm that is extremely real, and benevolent, and I intend to end up there when I am finished living here.

Months passed and I realized my perception and way of experiencing the world was completely altered. Little things that used to bother me no longer did. If I had died that day, what hadn't I yet experienced or accomplished? Why was I content to live small, why was I so afraid of taking risks, or worried offending other people in my life by thinking differently, being myself, and following my passions?

I began to wonder why I had been living my life up until the accident according to society's expectations. Were the day to day goals I pursued mine, or someone else's? Was I excited and vibrant with my current way of spending my time? Was I waiting until everything was perfectly lined up and well organized to really live? What exactly was I waiting for? More importantly, could I stay connected with the energy and power of this glowing presence that had presented itself to me?

Over the next few years, with little effort on my part, things started to really shift. The long term relationship I was in ended. It was well past its expiry date, but had become comfortable. I participated in my first Ayahuasca retreat, and through this experience realized my job was harder on my health than I was willing to admit, so I quit. I became aware that I owned my house more out of security than joy, so I decided to sell it. I bought a camper van and lived in it for a year, waking up beside beautiful lakes, seeing hundreds of stars each night far away from cell reception, and driving to visit friends I hadn't had a chance to see because I was so busy working. I started drawing, I started singing, I started writing, and I traveled last winter to all sorts of places I had been curious about: Ireland, Israel, Bali, Guatemala, Costa Rica, and Hawaii.

Life has never felt the same since the accident. I remain with an ongoing and growing trust in the force of the universe that showed up for me. When I don't know what the next step is to take, I connect in my inner being to this force and ask for help. Answers always come- not ones I am expecting, but often more interesting and exciting than I could have dreamed up myself.

Of this I am certain: my consciousness continues beyond death, and I want to be as intentional as possible with my life and dreams between now and that final day.