Homesickness

It all started in the eighth grade. All she wanted back then was to move far, far away. Don't get it twisted, it wasn't like she was unhappy, in fact, she was very content with her life at that time. But she always had this underlying desire to live a different life. Just to see what it'd be like. It was when she confessed these yearnings to her father did her fantasies become reality.

Property was bought, meetings were scheduled, schools were visited. The decision was made, in the tenth grade, she was to move from her home country. Those two years flew by quicker than she had ever imagined and as her day of departure was approaching, she recalled something her friend had said.

"You'll always want to leave but the moment it's time to go, you realize that you never actually wanted to leave in the first place."

There was not one other time she related to her friend that much. It may sound like an overstatement but she genuinely felt on top of the world the last year she was there. It was then she started to get recognition from people and surprisingly many people wanted to be her friend, if not something more. But she also had her first boyfriend at this time so it wasn't like she could do anything about those who wanted more but she was for sure flattered by it. It genuinely was the worst time that she could leave in her eyes. That last year was her best year and maybe from an outsider perspective some would disagree, but from her point of view, she was the happiest she ever was, at least in terms of how she saw herself.

Obviously, everything changed when she had to start fresh in the place she had been fantasizing about for ages. Of course, she was scared, what if she couldn't make friends? What if no one liked her? In the end, she eventually found someone whom she could confide anything in but laugh the hardest with too. She was so glad to have met this person, it would've been a difficult time without her and this friend is the only reason why she finds motivation to get up in the morning most of the time.

It's been one and a half years since she's been in her fantasy country. But...she wasn't as happy as she thought she'd be. It's not like the country itself was disappointing, neither were the people. In fact, both of them were great. The country was amazing, she admires it every day, it was so different from what she was used to. And it's not like the people are horrible because they're far from it. But...she can't help but feel like she doesn't exactly belong. She's changed from group to group but as much as she tries, she can't bring herself to fully be herself around a majority of the people. In her eyes, she's been struggling with this for a while now. It's like she's constantly feeling uncomfortable in group discussions like if she says a word then her contribution will feel unneeded or she'll say something wrong and people will make fun of her. Which she knows they won't, but she still has this anxiety that builds up whenever she's about to say something. Not to mention the constant avoidance of small talk, she's afraid that some people might see her as rude because she refuses to even make eye contact sometimes. It's not she's trying to be rude, it's just she constantly feels like she's racking her brain for conversation starters and the conversation always end up being about school which she finds awfully boring. Of course, it is very relevant since it was school after all but when every conversation is always about school, it gets so tiresome. Yet she still talks to people about school because there are times when that's the only thing there is to talk about. Her life at this exact moment of time, has never been so dull, uninteresting and lonely. The only person she feels she can actually talk to is her best friend and for the rest of them, it's like she needs to put on a mask in front of everyone else. It's like every single day, she struggles more and more to find motivation to get up in the morning. It may sound cliche for teenagers to say or even think that, but in this case, she genuinely prefers her own company to other people's. Because she hates the feeling of not being able to be herself like she always has to hold back. And she can't help but think she would be 100 times happier if she had never left in the first place. Surrounded by so many of her friends, in an amazing school with people who acknowledge her presence and appreciates her hobbies. So much was built up there that she left right on the climax of her teenage life. It's not like she's unhappy now, but it's not like she's happy either. She knows that she could've been so much happier remaining in her home country and seeks comfort in coming home every single day. She used to like school a lot actually, but not anymore.

The feelings she experiences is hard to put into words but to try put it in perspective, she feels lonely. Like she's always clinging to the past. Thinking about people in her past, analyzing everything that has happened in her life, constantly looking back through memories and pictures. She so badly wants to think of all the things that can happen in the future, to move on with her life and leave everything that has happened in the past. But how could she when it feels like the past is the only thing there is that she feels happy thinking about?

Currently, she's sitting on her laptop typing a third person story about her own life wondering if she'll ever stop feeling this way.