Hello 2021

I am trying desperately to remember what my fiance and I did for New Years Eve. Has anyone else’s memory completely escaped them in the hellish year that was 2020? Mine has on multiple occasions and I’ve often felt like my IQ has dropped by at least 10 points.

Ah-ha! My fiance got work off early, which we celebrated. I remember feeling especially tired that day. I forced myself to “dress up” -- if you can call it that. Then we hosted a game of Jackbox, which my future siblings-in-law and one of my best friends participated in. We had a small celebration once midnight hit, and then we watched Palms Springs instead of the traditional movie, When Harry Met Sally, because we discovered the DVD was scratched. Yup, that sounds about right for a 2020 New Years Eve. Silently hopeful for this new year but endlessly exhausted by the old one.

I didn’t really go into the New Year with any specific resolutions. I had actually stopped making the weird usual ones like “lose weight” or “eat healthier” because I never ever accomplished them and honestly I forgot about them by the time February came around. In 2018 I made the resolution to learn to trust myself. That was a powerful one. That one I tried my hardest to stick to, and trust me, it was hard.

I go back so far because that was the first resolution I ever made that I actually stuck to. At the time I didn’t have a counsellor to aid me in my personal struggles of transition and individuality. I had a mother who wouldn’t talk to me, and friends who I lost. Even though I had the endless support of my now fiance and his family, as well as my best friends, I felt so incredibly alone. I was questioning my faith. My childhood. I was questioning the future - a lot. Most of all I was questioning myself. So as 2018 rang in and I moved out of my childhood home for the first time, I decided my New Years resolution was to learn to trust myself.

This was one of the best New Year's resolutions I have ever made. I learned to go with my gut instead of rely on other people's suggestions or ideas of “what’s good for me.” I taught myself to try to relax instead of feel guilty about not “being perfect.” At the time I was working in an internship which allowed me to feel confident expressing my ideas. I had a supportive superior who guided me, and that helped me trust myself even more. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always easy. I still struggle to trust myself even now. But making that resolution really shifted my perspective -- and I find myself forever grateful for my decision to make that my resolution for a year I knew was going to be a hard one.

Fast forward to today and I’m lying in bed beside my fiance after a brief walk. Our cheeks have been kissed by fresh air. Our hearts are heavy as we transition to new possibilities that are both scary and exciting. Yet, we are hopeful that this year will bring something more gentle and kind than what 2020 brought us. Perhaps we can book our wedding venues without hesitation. Maybe we can grow our relationships with our parents and future in-laws. We’d like to explore more of our beautiful home that we were ripped away from because of this global pandemic. We want to grow as a couple and as individuals. All this, we approach with careful, tentative steps. I think that’s what 2020 has taught us. Caution. Hesitance. Nothing lasts forever, it can all go away in a glance. We can’t predict the future and we certainly can’t fully understand everything that is happening around us. All we can do is trust in the process.

Trust in the process. I was doing a Yoga with Adrienne practice yesterday on transitions and her words “trust in the process,” have been circling around in my head since. I think that’s such a wise, beautiful sentiment. I think that’s something I definitely don’t do. I find I jump to conclusions and propel myself into the future where I sit in the imaginary scenario I’ve concocted and worry myself into a stupor. I find myself living in the future a lot more than I am living in the present. This is because I am not trusting in the process, and in turn myself and those that I love. I am not trusting In the kindness and gentleness of the humans around me. I am working on it, it’s discussed regularly in my therapy sessions, but it is something I am constantly struggling with. 2020 was an especially bad year for this.

So my New Year’s resolution? To trust in the process and learn to live in the present. It’s not helpful to worry about where I will be in 10 years because I cannot control how I will get there and what the outcome will be. So instead, I will trust in the process. I will work hard to be a constantly growing and improving partner, daughter, friend, and individual. I will live this day right here and feel the fresh air on my cheeks and hold my fiance’s hand and kiss my cat and write to you. I will trust that tomorrow will be another day in which I can do these things and many, many more so that I can live in today. So I can take it all in.

So Hello 2021, and hello today.