Finding Truth Through the Mirror

Mmmm. Authenticity. One of my favorite subjects. It's so juicy and real! I mean, is life even worth living if not authentically?

In fact, I love authenticity so much that I have dedicated my entire life to it.

I am a YouTuber, a vlogger, who takes my subscribers on an up-close and personal journey through my process of spiritual development and life lessons. I have shared secrets, embarrassing moments, tears, breakdowns, come-ups, laughs, and little bits of wisdom that I have learned over the years. I take my followers along my adventure through life, without holding anything back.

So today, I am going to take you on a journey through my process of discovering my authentic self, and how I found my life’s purpose as a raw, real, vulnerable, and authentically expressive YouTuber.

My spiritual path began when I was 23 years old. Before then, I was working as a fashion model, feeling like there had to be more to life than shooting thousands of pairs of pants for Nordstrom. Modeling was leaving me feeling empty inside, and I had this deep sensation that I was meant for more, but I wasn’t sure what that was. So, I did what most people do when they don’t know what to do… I continued doing what I was doing. Spirit had to knock me upside the head with a near death experience to get me out of the industry because I wasn’t listening to that little voice inside (a perfect example of being inauthentic), and that experience forced me to go a different direction.

My near-death experience left me paralyzed for several weeks, but as soon as I regained movement in my fingers I began to search google:

“What is spirituality?”

As I embarked on my spiritual path, and realized that I had a lot of healing and shadow work to do. I had been suffering from bulimia and body dysmorphia for several years and had negative self-talk every time I looked in the mirror. I knew I couldn’t continue treating myself that way and I wanted to change. I began to dream of a life where I no longer suffered, had a positive relationship with food and my body, and was living out my life’s purpose, whatever that was.

So, I began to do two things.

The first was mirror therapy. I would sit in front of the mirror every day, sometimes for fifteen minutes, sometimes up to an hour, and I would tell myself things like, “I am beautiful”, “I am capable of anything”, “I am strong”, “I am worthy of love.” I would close my eyes and look deep inside of myself at the parts that were “broken” and send them love and nurturance. I began radical self-acceptance, forgiveness, and compassion for myself. I had to make peace with how much self-inflicted harm I had done, make a conscious effort to love those parts of me, and then kiss them goodbye to make room for the new me.

The second thing I began doing was recording a video diary. I would open my MacBook, turn on QuickTime Player, and talked to myself as if I were talking to a therapist. I would ask myself questions and then process them out loud with no judgement. The video recordings were just me, myself, and I. Nobody else ever had to see them. I was free to express my deepest emotions and processes in a safe container that was made up of only me. Once I finished a session, I would watch the recording back and observe myself in my process. With the love and compassion I was gaining from the mirror, I was able to see myself in a new light. I watched myself talk without judging myself, just listening and reflecting. This is how I got to know myself, and began to uncover who I truly was. I discovered what is important to me, what my gifts and magic consisted of, and how much beauty there truly was, inside and out. This is when I began to discover authenticity at its very core.

After several months of documenting my progress, I began to realize what my medicine for the world was. I believe that everyone has a certain medicine that they bring to the world, and my medicine was to share my story, journey, and wisdom with the world through YouTube and my other social media platforms. So, I began to post some of my therapy sessions on YouTube. My intention was to free myself from hiding, while simultaneously inspiring others to uncover and live out their authentic truth. My whole life became about authenticity, and finding that full expression of self. I had completely transformed as a person, from someone who was insecure and lost, to a woman who felt confident and knew exactly what she wanted and deserved. If I could do it, so could anyone else.

Once I decided that I was going to become a YouTuber, I began vlogging my life. I moved from Portland, Oregon to Phoenix, Arizona, with very little money and only the belongings I could fit in my car. I was determined to make it big, and was confident that the Universe was going to provide the means necessary for me to write a book and tell my story. Looking back on this period of my life, I cringe a little. I was a little bit naïve, and little bit ignorant. I believed that Spirit (what I call the driving force that creates life and all miracles and magic), was going to easily hand me $30,000 so that I could comfortably live while doing what I felt called to do, which was to tell my story.

The first series I created on YouTube was called, Real Talk with Katie Shay. I vlogged my journey moving out of my mom’s basement and into the desert, “homeless, jobless and broke, but with big dreams”. One of my most authentic, raw, vulnerable moments in life was the time that I drove to Hollywood in hopes of meeting Reese Witherspoon. I knew Reese was passionate about helping female entrepreneurs, and I whole-heartedly believed that if I could just meet her, I could convince her to take a chance on me. I guess I had in mind that I would pitch my story and get a book advance (that 30k). I vlogged my journey of finding her studio, but not finding her studio, and ending up on the streets of Santa Monica in tears.

I wasn’t going to give up that easily though, and I took my subscribers and followers with me every step of the way. If you want to see something as truly authentic, check out this video I am referring to:

Ever since I found my purpose, I told myself that my goal was to be so raw, real, and authentic with my online presence, that my followers would feel like they knew me personally. I wanted to connect my heart and emotions with theirs, so that they could feel less alone, and like someone out there relates to what they are going through. My whole life became about living authentically and showing my process. I wanted to gain trust and genuine connection with my online community, something our world really needs.

Needless to say, it didn’t work out with Reese Witherspoon, so I made my way back to Arizona. I was heartbroken that I didn’t get $30,000 handed to me, and in fact I ended up in a situation that completely derailed me from my goal of becoming a full-time YouTuber. I entered a dark-night-of-the-soul unlike anything I had ever experienced. I grew further and further away from my authentic self, and became crippled with fear, anxiety, self-doubt, and trauma. I still took videos of my life and my process, and I have 7TB worth of content from the last 6 years, but I didn’t have the courage or capacity to share what I was going through with the world. I was living in complete fear, feeling like a failure. I became as far away from authentic as possible, to a place I never would have imagined myself being. This dark-night experience is a story for another day, but I am sharing this with you now because it is what I am currently overcoming, which is authentic for me to share in this now moment.

I have found that in life, we have to experience contrast in order to find our authenticity. We have to experience those 'yee-haw' moments where we know what we are doing is in alignment, and we also have to endure those not-so-fun moments of feeling trapped and lost, in order to know what it feels like to be out of alignment. Alignment is synonymous with authenticity, because when we are living from our authentic place of inner truth, we are also in alignment with our true purpose. I believe that our purpose in this human experience is to find our authentic truth, develop our intuition, and find the strength that it takes to embody our authenticity in a world that is constantly projecting the need to be “this or that” in order to be accepted.

Despite my difficult time in Arizona, I still managed to post some vlogs to update my subscribers on my life, but there is so much more to share. So many lessons I had to learn the hard way, and moments of both uncertainty and miracles. It is my intention to share them all.

As I heal from what I've been through, I am reclaiming my power once again, and regaining my confidence to open up and commit to my dream of becoming a world-famous YouTuber. My passion and purpose remain the same as it did when my spiritual journey began. I am here to tell my story through my YouTube channel as authentically as possible, despite the ups, downs, and cringe-worthly lessons, so that anyone who subscribes to my channel feels inspired to live out their authentic truth, find their voice, and empower themselves to chase their dreams.

Forever raw, real, and vulnearble,

Katie Shay

www.youtube.com/bosskatie