Finding Me Again.

It doesn’t seem like it would be possible, but I have learned that one can become so accustomed to abuse that life after it can be anxiety inducing at first. For two years now I have been free, but I feel like I am still getting used to life as me again. When you’re in an abusive relationship you lose all of who you are, when you have kids, your identity is marginalized even further making recovery and even regular life post trauma even more of a difficult task.

Growing up in a church there is a lot of pressure to follow a certain chain of events as you age. Graduate high school, go to college, or find a good job, get married, get a house, have kids. I chose to find a hard-working job, a few years passed and there was tremendous push for me to wed, and then I met my now, ex-husband. In the time we were together I felt the divide grow between me and my old church, my family, even the outside world. I felt so isolated because I couldn’t go anywhere no matter what it was, he’d tell me it was too dangerous. Years passed and I had no contact with most of my family and I couldn’t contact any friends I had prior to the marriage.

Being so separated made it difficult to find a job once I had convinced him to let me get one. I had forgotten how to connect with people, how to have fun, and not be so, well, like him. It wasn’t until I started at my last warehousing job that I finally felt a since of normalcy, but I also felt like I was still hiding. I felt like the only thing I had in common with anyone was marriage, and children. Other than that, I had no common ground with anyone. It wasn’t until I met the Beck-ster that I finally felt at home, I found out that she was a lesbian, and it made a lot of sense as to why our mannerisms were so similar and we could sit there and go on for hours about our interests and never hit an awkward patch. At first, I had a hard time accepting that she was the only one I felt like I really connected with, but I realized that it didn’t really matter because we had a genuine friendship based on similarities not superficial interactions.

Post-divorce, I found myself trying to figure out how to work and still have time to really spend time with my kids. I knew that working that job wouldn’t afford me the finances I needed to stand on my own or time I needed to finish my degree and spend time with my girls who desperately needed the stability of at least one consistent parental figure in their lives. Most of my friends at the time told me I thought too much and I should just use my spare time to drink, and to that I disagreed. I was out of the situation that made it necessary to drink to make my chest stop hurting, I now had the freedom to do what I needed to do make a positive change in my life and I wasn’t going to let myself give into the herd again. So I started seeking out a job at a local school as an EA since I don’t have a bachelors degree yet, and I was ready to see if I had what it took to be an educator. After a couple months I found an opening for Special Education and while that wasn’t what I was majoring in at the time, I was enrolled in a class about the development of exceptional students so I already had a basic knowledge of expectations and possible scenarios that could play out. I started not long after the interview and at first, I was worried sick because I would be surrounded by educated peers who had knowledge that far surpassed my own and seemed to have their lives together. What I found in the months to follow helped me to regain my sense of self and purpose.

One of the teachers I had the pleasure of working with was a very patient woman. For privacy I shall call her Nikki. My schedule was set to where I’d only spend maybe 30 minutes in her class a day, but she had so many students who had various disabilities, I tried to spend all my “free-time” in her room. She cultivated such a warm atmosphere that her classroom was like haven not only for her students but for us adults as well. When I first arrived at my job, I was so self-conscious about being fresh from the warehouse and still healing from the abuse of my marriage, I found that I would just burst out about my ignorance and hurt and after a short time I didn’t feel like I had to explain myself anymore. I didn’t feel like an outcast, and as for being an oddball for having different interests, I found another “oddball” that enjoys very similar things. I felt heard and understood even though I still don’t know much of her story. Because of her kindness, sincerity and a bit of forbearance I learned that I can accept myself, and it made me think of all the past co-workers I tried to understand and show my worth to and became aware that there are many out there who don’t understand how awesome they are, who don’t see that they don’t have to be rude or cruel to show their worth.

In the last six months I learned that lesson. I learned that I may not “fit” into the normative, but I can be comfortable with myself. If I’m truly comfortable with myself then those around me will be able to embrace their true selves, embracing themselves, they can do incredible things.