Find the words.

I was forced to write a letter to my partner yesterday.

And by forced, I mean that I have been unable to find the words to tell him out loud that I'm really struggling again mentally.

My experiences have taught me that at the slightest sign of trouble, people will leave and that it's best not to burden anyone, but my growth?

Growth tells me that I was never a burden in the first place, and some people, for whatever their reasons, simply aren't equipped to deal with it.

My brother isn't equipped. He's lost too much to mental health already, so it triggers him. My ex wasn't, because he could empathise too much. My mum is, but at 63, she's weary.

My partner, although we've been together for 3 years now, he's still 'new'. He's not seen a bad patch in me before.

I've struggled to tell him that each day feels like yesterday, that I always wish today was tomorrow and that I'm stuck in a loop of never moving forward if each day is to be the same as yesterday, instead of a new dawn.

I've struggled to tell him that I love my son so dearly, that It's best that I leave; for his sake.

I've also struggled to tell him that without me, I realise that he would be fine if only after a period of mourning because my brain, although I've grown, has altered it's way of thinking.

So I found the words. With every bone in my body, through all the tears and hand cramp, I found the words in pen and paper.

I found the words to tell him that I picture myself not in the room, and the place still being filled with laughter eventually.

He said that the laughter would be bittersweet.

I found the words to tell him that I can't face the passing days anymore.

He told me to fight through minutes and hours instead.

I found the words to tell him that I hate every ounce of my being, regardless of the amazing things I've done to keep myself living through it all.

He asked me why I'd hate such a strength.

But you know what growth told me today?

I found the words, and his repsonse was to love me harder than I've ever known?

He showed me love through lay ins, managing the maintenance of the housework. He showed me by cooking and preparing meals when I couldn't bear to think about food. He showed me love at the same time as he showered our son with it, and encouraged him to do the same.

He showed me that amongst those that struggle to love you in your darkest moments, there are those capable and able to find additional strength and love in their hearts to hold enough for the both of us.

He showed me that there are people out there, willing to show compassion towards you when you're feeling physically empty.

On a whim, I was able to find the words and without thinking about it, he was able to find the love I needed, in such a way that he'll never be able to imagine my gratitude.

So please don't give up. If you're struggling, please reach out to someone. A friend, family member, GP, mental health professional or charity. One day, you might find someone that'll love you ten times harder, on the days you feel like giving up.

I'll leave below some of the links that have helped me through the last few weeks. Please remember that you're not alone, you're worthy of love, and that you're stronger than the demons that consume you right now.

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SAMARITANS (24/7) - 116 123

MIND - 0300 123 3393

SHOUT (24/7 text line) - text 'shout' to 85258

CALM (Also available through web chat 5pm - 12am) - 0800 58 58 58