Field of Fireflies

Oftentimes when asked about my occupation I almost immediately experience internal panic.

Is my work respectable? Do I work hard enough? Do I work enough hours? Do I have a ten year plan?

Am I enough?

I am. I’m enough. My work is respectable. I’m hardworking. I’m productive. And I’m not sure what job I will be doing in five or ten years. But for some reason when I go out into the world and I’m asked these questions, I freeze. In fear of scrutiny that honestly may never come, I lose the confidence that I struggled so hard to build.

I know not everyone is going to like me, or what I do. There will always be someone who is better. There will always be someone doing more. But still, in a sea of billions, it’s hard to truly see yourself and remember who you are and what you’re about. So every day I work towards knowing myself well enough to not cower and to not over value how others see me. Because my distress is truly rooted in this question: “how will they perceive me?” My goal is to not only break that fear but also stop asking that question altogether. I’d much rather worry about how I see myself. Because, although I’m not the main character in everyone's story. And the world doesn’t revolve around me. I am the main character of my own. And that’s not narcissism. But the world likes to make people believe it is.

The world makes you believe you should dull your shine to live in it. It makes us feel like there isn’t enough room for all of us to be brilliant at the same time. But there is. And I want that. I want to shine so brilliantly that those around me can’t help but look. And I know we are boarding on narcissism here but stay with me. I want to be seen for who I am. I don’t want to feel pressured to continuously second guess myself because of the influence of others. I’d much rather live freely to be myself, allowing myself to follow life in whatever direction I feel called to. I want to go where the wind blows.

I refuse to be held prisoner to ideals that were not made for me, but rather to use me. I don’t want to be stuck behind a desk for 8 hours a day with a half hour lunch and a hurried fifteen minute break– both of which I skip because there aren't enough hours in a day for the work that I've been given. There aren't even enough jobs, and there isn't enough money, for the debts that I owe. Even though all those statements are true and I have find myself in a place where I must work to live, I do not want to lose sight of the fact that I do not live to work. I do not live to wake up before the sun rises to go work to then get home hours after it sets, to better an institution. I want to find a space in the world, for myself, that doesn't feel like a life sentence.

I want to embrace the sun shining on my life and smile in its brilliance as I shine in its likeness. When joy overflows, I want to feel it flow through me as it flows through those around me. I want to celebrate. I want to chuckle, if I stumble. I want to embrace my tears. I want to grieve. I want to take naps under shady trees when I need rest. I want to wade in waters so cold they feel hot. I want the world to be my steak taco, because I’ve never had an oyster and I don’t even know where that saying comes from.

I want to steal moments with my loved ones and scheme to freeze time. I want to remember the times that I slowed down delivering pizzas because the trees looked beautiful. I want to feel adrenaline coarse through my veins as I coach my most beloved sport. I want to volunteer to sing. I want to play classical music on my flute. I want to write books that make your breath labor. I want to write stories that border fiction and nonfiction. I want to tell stories of those around me in ways that stories have never been told. I want to bask in the breathtaking moments when I realized there were lakes 10 minutes from my house, that I never knew existed, while I delivered burgers. I want to find new moments where I drive through the night, on my last job and gasp at the beauty of the flickering lights in a field of fireflies.

Then, I want to dream so big that my universe mirrors that image. I want all my dreams to glimmer like glitter in a field whimsically lit like floating lights–shining when they want to, taking a breather when they're ready. I want my aspirations, my goals, my dreams to emerge in one place and disappear only to reappear across the field. I want my dreams, so out of this world, to encourage those around me. I want to feel heaven on earth–a safe space. I don’t want to live in a world where having dreams makes your life a nightmare when you wake up. I want to pull my galaxy of dreams, like stars, to the earth. I want to envelope myself in a blanket of grass as I inhale the fresh night air and bask in my very own painting of a starry sky. I want to be the reason someone pulls their car over and lays down in a field of fireflies.