Falling in Love with Myself

So in 2017 I met a guy. In 2018 that same guy dumped me two weeks before our one year anniversary and trashed me to his whole family. I learned the truth hard. All those red flags and the details that never seemed to add up. It was all apart of his elaborate facade that he puts on to make friends or wow girls. He was clever and precise with his lies until he wasn't. I started questioning the inconsistencies and why he seemed to invite me over and then run. I spent more time by myself on that god forsaken boat than I did with him. In the end his lies caught up to him. He knew he couldn't keep up the act. He knew I was clever and would eventually catch on. I wallowed in self pity for two months until that pity and pain turned to hatred and anger. It was that moment that I realized I thought I needed someone to love me but I just needed to see my own self worth and love myself. It was a hard journey and to be honest I'm still on it and yet I feel free. So let me explain how I started falling in love with myself.

When I hit rock bottom it was hard. Very hard. I struggled to get out of bed. I cried myself to sleep. When this boy went from breaking my heart to completely betraying me and sending his family to harass me I realized just how done I was. I spent time away from my family and my home to be with him. I went out of my comfort zone and tried to be the perfect girlfriend and it was exhausting. To give someone everything you have and to be emotionally abused and left wondering why you weren't good enough for them. It eats at you. However, that one act of complete disrespect shifts that view. You begin to realize that you weren't the toxic one. You did your part and they failed you. They weren't good enough for your warmth and your light. People like this are leeches. They take and take until your light flickers out. They don't care about you or your feelings. They don't care how hurt and alone they make you feel. I realized this back in November. I made a pack to myself that no one would ever dim my light again. I plan to stick to it. I started learning a new language and picked my flute up again. I decided to look after my health better. I started eating right and being more active. I invested in a meditation app that has really done wonders for my anxiety. In the end I realized that what better person to love me than myself. I have been so mean to me for so long and I need to be strong for myself. By letting others walk all over me and hurt me I was disrespecting myself. We make sacrifices for others. We tear ourselves down and make ourselves bleed in hopes that one person might just notice us and love us. What for? Why should we have to hurt for someone to love us? That's bullshit.

So when did I discover my self love? With my hair cut. Before when I got my hair cut I had it done how he liked it. I hated it. It wasn't what I wanted at all. So this last March, 7 months after the breakup, when I got my hair cut I did it how I wanted it. I picked the length, style, and even got bangs and I loved my hair. That surge of confidence is what gave me the courage to hold my head up high when I saw him at an event. It was a parade and I got separated from my party and ended up bumping into someone. I turned to apologize when I realized it was him. I should have apologized and would have if it was anyone other than him, but instead, I turned and walked away. I did it with confidence. I wasn't hurt or scared. I didn't even want to punch him. I had officially moved on and was done. I started this journey of eating right and losing weight. My family started building onto our home and got season passes to our local amusement park. I'm saving for a pair of really awesome shoes. Life is good. I have a had a few down moments with my anxiety and that's a struggle I'll endure for years to come. Besides that, I feel great.

This person tried to tear me down and to this day still trashes me to his pals. I know why. I have this idea why he does it but I find it funny. I'm happy and have moved on. I'm cosplaying and building up myself every single day. I look at myself in the mirror and smile. I'm proud of myself and motivated to chase my greatness. My advice for anyone feeling torn down and broken is simple. Nurture your light. Love it. Be proud of it and be proud of you. And never let someone take that from you. Do not let them dim that light of yours. Its what makes you beautiful and special.

Its 2019 and I've found my inner strength and that deep love for myself. So in the words of Ariana Grande and I quote!

"Thank you, Next"