Escaping the Influence of a Narcissistic Parent

Choosing to go no contact with a narcissistic parent is one of the most difficult and emotionally unsettling experiences many of us have (or will) go through in our own healing journey. It is never an easy decision when grappling with whether or not to limit contact or interactions with a family member, let alone a parent. There will be the inevitable second-guessing of your choice, as well as the incredible guilt that will be carried with you.

Going no contact is not an impulsive or arbitrary decision, and it is not based on trying to punish our caregiver. We are not flexing our power over them or restricting communication as a game. The reality is that most adult children of narcissistic parents had our boundaries repeatedly violated, our sense of self-worth shattered, and our autonomy destroyed. The last thing we would know how to do is play a game that involved one-upping someone to gain power over them because we experienced having our power repeatedly taken from us.

As with most things, there’s a fine line between establishing a boundary for ourselves, versus trying to control or manipulate a situation. This fine line is established when learning the differences between narcissistic silent treatment that is based on power, punishment, manipulation, guilt, and control, versus going no contact which is based on establishing a non-negotiable boundary for ourselves to protect our emotional and psychological health.

Anyone who grew up experiencing a narcissistic parent recognizes that they are skilled manipulators, emotional controllers, and gaslighters. And, they’re masters at denying all of it. They are equally skilled at playing a martyr and flipping the script to anyone involved that we were just “difficult” or “troubled” children. Their abuse can be so covert and convincing that doctors, teachers — even social services — believes their story instead of taking the time to examine the truth. There are differences between a shy child and an emotionally withdrawn child. There are differences between a child who is oppositional versus a child who is actively trying to protect their abusive parent by refusing to comply. And, there are differences between a rebellious kid and one who is self-destructing as a cry for help. Yet, if these professionals aren’t properly trained to notice the red flags of an abused child, they may fall hook, line, and sinker for the self-serving story they’re being spoon-fed from a narcissistic parent.

By the time most of us have made the decision to go and remain no contact with a narcissistic caregiver, it is after a childhood of abuse, neglect, and maltreatment that has caused irreversible damage. Reaching a place of no contact usually comes after years of trauma therapy or survivor groups. Many choose to go no contact with their narcissistic parent about the same time they’re cutting out other toxic people from their life. The reality is, we usually make peace with going no contact after we start seeing the correlations between our childhood trauma and an adulthood of toxic relationships that were reinforcing to these wounds.

The psychological and emotional scars of growing up with a narcissistic caregiver or family member leaves an indelible mark on our psyche and on how we see ourselves. These are the same scars that had us turning to unpredictable and mentally unstable “friends” because their chaos felt comfortably familiar. They’re the same scars that had us attracted to partners who were mirror images of the wounds created by our narcissistic caregivers.

Many of us learned love as conditional — that we were given approval and validation by making our caregiver look good. As long as we remembered to use the proper fork when sitting in the restaurant, or that we didn’t speak up and sat there invisibly as a gesture of their good parenting (“children should be seen, but never heard”), we got the nod of approval from them. Yet, as with any narcissistic environment, things are not always what they seem. To avoid harsh punishment, we sat there as a fixture, not unlike the chair we were sitting on. To avoid them raising their eyebrow as the only warning we would receive, we made damned sure we used the proper salad fork. If we screwed up, we were punished and made to believe everything was our fault, including how they treated us.

Many of us fought the idea of going no contact with our caregiver. We shamed ourselves for even thinking such a preposterous thing. We ended up abusing ourselves for wanting to separate ourselves. Instead, we found ourselves right back in the lion’s den trying to make amends with them, trying to be a better child in their eyes, trying to live our life for them. We fooled ourselves into thinking that things would get better, if only…

If only we found the ‘perfect’ way to reach them.

If only we were a better child to them.

If only we tried harder.

If only we took the job they expected, or got the degree they wanted.

If only we were thinner, more handsome, smarter, faster, stronger, richer, better educated.

If. Only.

It is the “if only” thoughts and beliefs that keep us hooked into the pattern of trying to appease a person who is impossible to please. We inevitably reach our breaking point with everything. We eventually come to terms with accepting that they are not going to change. If they’ve been the same person for decades and haven’t tried to better themselves by now, chances are they won’t. We slowly get to the point where we begin to see that distancing ourselves is an act of self-love and self-respect. But, it is not without its own form of chaos.

Society as a whole is not always accepting of hearing that someone went no contact with their caregiver, especially if their family member is older. There are these spoken and unspoken expectations (i.e. “social rules”) that state we are supposed to blindly care for our caregiver in their “Golden Years” without batting an eye — irrespective of what they may have caused us or put us through. The judgment of others can be harsh, especially if they have not experienced abuse firsthand from their own relatives. They simply may not understand that going no contact is liberating and freeing us from the grasp of years of being controlled, shamed, abused, or invalidated.

When a person was not raised in an environment where emotional manipulation, abuse, and control were the norm, it can be difficult for them to understand why we may choose to go no contact. They probably cannot relate to living in survival mode where as a kid we may have hid in our closet hoping to disappear. They may not understand how even if the bruises and cuts are long gone, the emotional scars remain. They may not be able to sympathize with the anger, sadness, and sense of betrayal that may have identified our childhood. And, they may not be able to relate to what is feels like to have been an unwanted child.

Comments like, “But they’re your family!” are not always ill-intended, but can come with feeling judged, shamed, and stigmatized, even if that was not their intention. The worst comments are often those from narcissistic people themselves who callously tell you to “let it go”, “move on”, or “get over it” without a shred of empathy for you, or your situation. Suffice to say, these are the people who often end up being cut out of our lives at the same time we go no contact with a narcissistic family member.

There will be moments at the end of the day where we question our choice in going no contact. These moments can be especially painful during holidays where their void becomes more prominent. Holidays are when we should be celebrating with our relatives and making memories, instead of wondering if they are okay, or if they’re thinking about us. Our heart can break with the realization that a narcissistic parent or relative never saw us or appreciated us for who we are, instead of what they expected us to be, or wanted from us. These moments become even more obvious when we take the time to look at the Christmas presents they bought that reflected their own likes instead of actually knowing ours, or in the birthday gifts that somehow always included something they wanted for themselves. These moments also become more evident when we remember all the times we tried to go overboard making them proud or happy, only to feel let down a little more each time with their indifference or backhanded “compliments”.

There will also be moments when we feel the peace that comes with walking away from all toxic relationships in our lives, including ones with relatives that we have chosen to go no contact with. This peace comes with the empowerment of taking back our lives, on our terms and reclaiming our personal space, and personal agency. We learn through the process of walking away and choosing healthier for ourselves that no contact is not so much about severing certain relationships in our life, as much as it is about severing the parts of ourselves that were mistreated, abused, or felt unseen, or unheard. No contact allows us to grieve that version of ourselves that was never seen as good enough. Remaining no contact allows us to recognize that we are worth so much more than crumbs of affection, or conditional “love”. It helps empower us to see and accept that while we may have not had any power over our circumstances then, we have the power now to choose what we want in our lives, and the relationships that nurture us.