Emerging from the abyss:

I am wounded deeply. For a thousand reasons that would take me millions of words to pour out to you. I am wounded from a traumatizing break up. You see, dear reader, the man I loved and trusted for six years cruelly cheated on me and then completely ghosted me and disappeared from my life without a word or explanation. I have been silenced by him and denied any sense of closure. I am wounded also by the loss of dear friends. Friends who chose to believe the words of my narcissistic ex boyfriend over the truth and the feelings in my heart. I am wounded by betrayal. Betrayal trauma that stretches back to my youth, when my best friends showed their true nature as my worst frenemies. I even have, in the past, wounded myself. When my feelings have completely overwhelmed me, when I’ve broken down, when I’ve been driven by anger and self loathing, yes dear reader, I’ve hurt myself.

2020 was a rough year on my gentle and empathetic soul. 2020 tormented most of our souls, in unique and insidious ways. For me, the year 2020 let something dark loose inside of me. It’s something that is familiar to many of us, maybe even you. It’s something I’ve spent my entire life fighting against. When unchecked and impossible to ignore, it threatens to engulf me and eat me whole.

This beast is my burden. It is my ultimate enemy and it goes by the name of loneliness. Sheer and utter loneliness that permeates my days and nights and slowly suffocates my soul and my livelihood. This loneliness, brought on by the pandemic, has thrust me into the grip of unhealthy coping mechanisms and addiction. I ache with a feeling of depression and a sense of being lost in this world. Without people around me, without social events to look forward to, at which I can create new and positive memories, it’s as though my past and my negative memories have engulfed me. I drown in memories of my former life, the cruelty of my ex, the betrayal of friends throughout life, my errors and my mistakes, my sins and my flaws. Without new memories to make and new friendships to forge, I am lost in the darkness. To cope, the year 2020 saw me turn to various substances and unhealthy coping skills, leading to an addiction that threatens to take over every aspect of my life.

I am lost in the darkness in the same manner that the Greek goddess Hestia was lost in a great and dark void where she felt nothing but loneliness. Hestia is the virgin goddess of the hearth and often depicted with the element of fire. Hestia was the first born of the Titans Cronus and Rhea. When Cronus became paranoid that one of his children would ultimately dethrone him, he devoured them all beginning with Hestia, the first born. However, Cronus was unable to get to his son Zeus in time. Instead, Zeus tricked his father Cronus into swallowing a boulder which thus disgorged all of his children, with Hestia being the last to re-enter the world.

The goddess Hestia is not generously depicted in Greek mythology or art. There are few stories about her. Imagine though - what would she have felt when first imprisoned by her father in the darkness of his stomach? Oh, the loneliness she must have endured, trapped in that black void! The uncertainty and hopelessness that would have pervaded her soul. Yet she survived and made it out and she tasted freedom once more. She faced the void and fought back. What can we ultimately learn from the struggles of goddess Hestia?

Hestia faced the void with acceptance and peace. Rather than viewing the silence as damning, she practiced the skills of acceptance and even gratitude. She surrendered to this unending silence. Rather than fight the chaos, she accepted it for what it was. It was a moment in time. It was something to be endured and something that can and will be endured. A reminder that life is not always pretty roses but that there is more to come, more to be experienced.

Hestia’s struggles brings to mind the old Persian adage ‘this too shall pass’. In one version of the story, King Solomon put out a decree asking to be brought a special gift. This gift would have the power to bring happiness to the saddest man, and bring ruin to the happiest man. Many people in the kingdom searched high and low for various objects and brought them to the King. Nothing was what he was looking for until a man gifted him with a ring. Engraved on the ring were the simple yet powerful words, ‘this too shall pass’.

Hestia endured the pain of loneliness and faced it down. Ultimately, she was reborn and would live again. The Persian quote I am referring to is something that has been drifting in my head lately. So much so that I bought myself a beautiful ring with those words engraved on it. To me, now more than ever, it is a powerful reminder that these dark times shall pass.

Last year, I stared into the abyss and I was swallowed whole. However, the battle wages on. I am not yet defeated. I am like the proverbial Phoenix, rising up from her ashes. I am Hestia in the darkness, patiently waiting to emerge and transcend the current situation. This is a new year, new me, a new Mere!

This year, I open myself to healing. I open myself to possibilities. I say yes and I open my arms. I say thank you, more please. Most importantly, I follow the path of the universe.

Do you believe in Synchronicity? It is the funny way that coincidences happen when we pay attention in our daily lives. It is the way the universe speaks to us and sends us messages. It’s only with an open heart and mind that we receive these often subtle messages though.

My year began with coincidences and the universe spoke to me. First, it tempted me down the rabbit hole of Chakras. What about Chakras? Do you believe in those? Originating from the Sanskrit word for spinning disk or wheel, it dates back to the Vedas text from between 1500 and 500 BC. We have 7 Chakras that flow, or spin, from our crown downwards to the root of our spine. For various reasons, these Chakras can become blocked and the flow is disrupted. Chakra blockage can supposedly result in real effects in the real world such as physical and mental ailments.

After research, fun quizzes and conversations with a spiritually experienced friend, I feel that I am blocked at a Root, Sacral and Solar Level. The evidence is obvious in the havoc that it has wreaked in my life. Depression, loneliness, a sense of being lost in life, a lack of direction, substance abuse, impulsive behaviour, and financial hardships are symptoms that speak to my soul and are the result of blockages at this level.

So, armed with this knowledge, I prepare myself to engage in a spiritual quest to free myself of these blockages and continue my healing in non-traditional methods in addition to the standard Western ones.

‘What else?’, I ask the universe. What other messages are you sending to me this new year? Write, whispers the universe. Create. Journal. Compose, just do something. Something that will bring order to my messy mind. Something that will soothe my troubled and pained soul. Something that maybe can even reach people or even just one person. This person might feel less alone when they read something I’ve written. They might find some modicum of comfort from my words.

The universe pointed me in the direction of my new journal; one that was designed to help the Writer find purpose, meaning and direction in their life. Armed with this new tool, the universe began speaking to me in other ways. In the forms of opportunities and ideas. Possibilities.

A dive down the rabbit hole of Journal Therapy followed suit. Writing can bring such clarity to the blurry situations of my life. It can give me answers to painful questions I can barely express in words. What if I could hone my writing ability to use it as a form of self therapy this year?

Let’s go even further down this fun rabbit hole! Motivated and excited, I signed up for an online certified course on Journal Therapy. What if I could use this newfound skill and passion in both the personal and professional sphere? Dreams oh dreams, how quickly they can carry me away! Maybe I’m meant to change on many levels this year. Maybe my metamorphosis will be more multifaceted than I ever anticipated. Am I becoming something different? Someone different? Is this what the universe is whispering in my ear?

Synchronicity. This is why you’re reading this of course. This stream of thoughts is the result of the universe more than nudging me forward in this direction. It is opening new doors for me this year and showing me some light where before I only saw darkness.

The universe next led me to crystals and their healing properties. What can I say other than I am intrigued and open to any healing I can find in my tattered life post 2020. Of the crystals that I read about, one caught my eye and resonated with me. Amethyst is known as the sobriety stone. The word amethyst comes from the Greek word amethysos which translates to ‘not drunk’. It is reputed to have powers to fight off impulsive and addictive behaviours. The healing aspects of these crystals is intensely appealing to me as I face my various inner demons that were let loose during 2020, including deep loneliness and rampant addiction.

I’m listening to the universe now, however, and am noticing that the more profoundly I listen, the more messages I seem to receive. Soon after reading about the amethyst, I had a chance encounter with an absolute stranger. This stranger works with crystals and she gifted me with the crystal she felt I needed. Of course, what she gave me was a beautiful purple amethyst and she did this without knowing a single fact about me and my life. Pure coincidence or the universe? I’ll let you decide. Personally, I choose to believe in a deeper meaning, as a sign that I am on the right path. It’s a sign that the ideas and possibilities for 2021 that have become a whirlwind in my mind have the potential to come to fruition this year. This means facing my loneliness head on and fully engaging in the ultimate battle for my sobriety and self-control.

I’m on the verge of something this new year. I can feel it (I think!). I can feel something at least that is deep inside me. It is stirring gently and begging to be released. Is it a transformation? A new beginning? Is it closure? Answers? Release? Dare I say, is it some form or fleeting feeling of my much yearned for peace?

In the real world, I’m in regular therapy. Therapy that has shown scientific evidence of being effective. However, my mind is an open vessel to knowledge. Judgment does not come quickly to me. I listen with an open and earnest ear. I am a cautious believer, always fascinated by what we cannot explain.

With this openness in my heart, I begin this new year ready for change. I am ready for new experiences, to heal and let go. I am beginning to ready myself to move forward and to face the abyss head on. I will emerge out of my ashes and not only survive but thrive. I will reclaim myself and my soul. Indeed, I will emerge out of my cocoon and re-enter this fragile world, with new insight and strength. Just as Hestia was reborn into the world after her plight with darkness, so too shall I conquer my loneliness, battle my demons of addiction, and rediscover, finally, the elusive light in me that was lost during the year of 2020.