Eating Disorders and Society

“I’ll just pretend I’m skinny”

I remember thinking this at the age of 8 while playing pretend. I was slightly overweight for my age and this would continue, however I was very much aware of the fact that I wanted to be thinner. Even in the third grade I wanted to be smaller.

From the ages of 8-15 I suffered secretly with binge eating. I wouldn’t tell anyone or ask for any help. I would take piles of sweets into my room and binge in secret. I would try to hide the wrappers in the trash can. I was always wanting to look smaller but couldn’t control my binging.

Growing up, my mom was always looking at nutrition labels, fat grams, and being down on her self. She would say things like “this makes me look so fat” or “I look so big in that picture ew!” She had no idea that this was creating the same narrative in my own head. My mom struggled with an eating disorder starting at age 16, and I’m pretty sure she still struggles to this day.

In middle school I remember learning about calories. My friend was trying to lose weight and introduced me to the world of calorie counting and restriction. She explained to me that if you count your calories, and you go over your limit, all you have to do is exercise to go back under and you’ll lose weight. It sounded so magical and simple. Then, when I was 15, my body did the job for me.

I ended up getting something called delayed gastric emptying. My stomach would get very full on very little and would stay full for a very long time. The opening from my stomach to my intestines was incredibly small. When I started realizing I wasn’t eating much I decided to start counting the calories I ate just to see how much I was actually eating. After that it became a game to see if I could get it lower. When I had the procedure to fix my stomach, I was still barely eating. My doctor was the first one to really notice. He told my mom something was going on. I kept restricting my calories further and further until I was barely eating anything.

I finally was admitted into treatment for my disorder. I was put in partial hospitalization (PHP). I didn’t think my disorder was that serious. After a couple months in PHP I decided to go down to the less intense treatment, intensive outpatient (IOP). Then after about a month, I decided I was done. I didn’t need treatment anymore. I was wrong.

I struggled with disordered eating on and off for the next few years, finally getting put back into treatment at the age of 22. I again was told I should be in PHP, and I didn’t think I was that bad. This time I just left after a couple of months. I hated therapy, I didn’t want to get better, and I was just over everything.

Now I am 24, and I am still struggling with my body image, with disordered eating, and with my self esteem. This society is centered around women shrinking themselves to fit their standards of beauty which are ultimately unachievable. Even knowing that and being intelligent I still struggle with restriction. However, many people don’t notice because I am not stick thin. I still look “healthy”, so when I do lose the weight I get congratulated. Nobody asks if I’m okay, or if I’m doing it safely when I lose weight. I’m sure it’s the same for just about everyone. I’m glad to see society is shifting slightly, but the diet industry still has its claws tightly grasped around many of us, myself included.

One day I’ll be okay...one day.