Don’t Save Them, Save Yourself

Life is not easy so be careful how quickly you come to the aid of others. Doing so may be inviting you to take on more than you can handle given everyone has their own set of problems in life.

It is tempting to take on the “Savior” role when someone you love is struggling. The temptation to help them or save them can be overwhelming. However, it is important to refrain from trying to be the hero in another’s life and save your efforts and energy to be your own.

People-Pleasing is a Slippery Slope

I was watching the movie Man On Fire admiring Denzel Washington once again for how fine of a role he played as ex-CIA Agent John Creasy. But as much as I love how he perfectly embodies the characters he plays; I understood this character may have gone too far in helping a family when in the end he was sacrificing his own life for another man’s child.

Yes, it was heroic and noble, but it was too great a price to pay in the big scheme. I could feel the instant regret of his decisions as he walked his “green mile” to his looming death. It occurred to me how often I have tried to save others only for it to figuratively backfire similarly.

For example, I was witnessing a close relative of mine going through emotional distress because she was with a narcissist and out of love for her and truly seeing how beautiful, she is, I wanted her to know he was a loser underserving of her time, attention or affection. Well, that advice did not go over too well and instead, she transferred her aggression onto me.

Suddenly, I was the problem and she also pointed out the log that was in my eye with a loser I was tolerating. I was not only flabbergasted by her response but I was also hurt. I know first-hand, my focus on her problem and wanting to help her see herself better was simply me sticking my nose in someone else’s business. I have also been invited to help with advice and counsel talking until I’m “blue in the face” only for the person to need the same advice week after week. When I simply should have said, “No.” — a complete sentence instead of “people-pleasing”. This and other painful lessons taught me to mind my own business.

You’re Trying to Find a Distraction from Your Issues

Under the guise of helping another, it was likely I was running from my own issues. It was not until I began my personal growth journey that I was able to identify this toxic trait I had. I was also amazed and relieved by the sheer results of feeling personal accomplishment and baggage melting off my spiritual and mental state.

Recently, I encountered a very helpful person, and it was refreshing — at first. I am usually the go-to person for advice, so having someone who seemed to be my go-to was like an answered prayer, except it wasn’t.

I began noticing that every time I mentioned a challenge I was encountering, this person would always have a word of encouragement, which I appreciated. After some time though, I became a bit suspicious with this ‘encouragement’ as if this person was seeking for how I was going through so they could help me sort it out. I probably would not have been so annoyed if this was indeed the case, but it was not. I noticed this as a red flag. I also noticed this person was more interested in what I had going on in life and shared very little as to what was happening in their own. I began asking them questions and noticed how they skirted around their own issues. This proved my suspicion that I had encountered a person who was trying to use me and my issues to be a distraction from their own. I quickly put an end to that.

Your Awareness is Progress

If you identify with any of the descriptors used in this article do not fret. This is your friendly reminder that your loved ones are very capable of handling their own lives. Everyone is born with the freedom to choose in this life — we simply must choose wisely. We are each given the capacity to handle every challenge that comes our way because we are our own heroes and our friends and foes simply serve as supporting casts.

Awareness is half the battle. If you are aware of your tendency to be a “savior” now you can simply shift the focus from outside of yourself to inside yourself. Take that same energy and use it to:

• Learn more about yourself through self-help
• Try a therapist
• Learn a new skill
• Go on solo travel adventures
• Write in a journal
• Dare to dream and go after your dreams
• Make a vision board
• Read a new book
• Get comfortable saying NO

Do as many solo activities as you can and cultivate a rich inner life. Before you know it, you will only involve yourself in your loved one’s lives when it feels right for you, not them; allowing everyone on your watch to discover their strength to save themselves.