Do you feel fear? Here is why that is a good thing!

Fear comes in many forms, most of them hidden under other feelings. It manifests itself in actions that, at first glance, have nothing to do with it. Is hard to see the fear and is hard to face it once you see it. But understanding where it hides and why it hides there helps me figure out what to do next and how to help myself overcome it.

How do I know I am afraid?

There is the obvious fear from a danger that is easy to identify. Not talking about that one here 😋.

And there is the not-so-obvious fear that hides underneath bad feelings.

These are the moments when I want to share my experience on something without being asked to do so. Or when I want to convince someone about something. Or when I want to be understood. If I don't manage to get my message through or make myself understood as I want, I would become angry, or sad, or ashamed, even frustrated.

Everyone wants to be understood and listened to and have his or her ideas confirmed as valid. That is normal. And I feel awesome when that happens. I feel smart, I feel strong, I feel safe.

Everyone wants to feel safe.

And it is the possibility that I am not safe that triggers fear. It is the idea that, if I am not understood I will not be safe. If my idea is not validated then people will not accept me and I will be alone.

Being alone is a BIIIG NO-NO!

We started learning millions of years ago that we can only survive if we are part of the tribe. Banishment from it would mean certain death.

This is not the case anymore. Probably because the tribe has become global and banishment from it would be impossible 😉. But that is a story for another time.

Because of this feeling I stopped going for my dreams, I stopped saying my truth, and I started hiding.

I had to start listening. Listen to fear, listen to me, and most importantly, be honest. That was the hard part, to be honest, and to take responsibility for my feelings.

What is the purpose of my feelings?

Am I sad because my boss does not appreciate me? Am I anxious because I don't know how I will do at the next presentation? Am I angry because my car broke down?

Or do I feel all these feelings because I am afraid of something?

Could I be sad because my boss's appreciation will make me feel part of the workgroup, part of the work tribe?

Could I be anxious because if I don't do my presentation well enough I will be unappreciated? Will that make me feel not welcome or worthy of being part of the tribe?

Could I be angry because the fact that the car broke down makes me remember when I did not take it to the mechanic? And could the fact that I did not take it to the mechanic remind me of something that I do not like about myself? Like, maybe, the fact that I do stuff at the last minute? Does that make me feel weak and not worthy? Well if I consider myself weak and not worthy, imagine what others think about me. How could they ever accept me in their tribes if I am not worthy?

Yeah 😁😁, anger is a very deep feeling. Searching in anger is like mining in Botswana for Hawaii. You need to go all the way 😅. But when you get there you discover a new world, filled with possibilities, with sun and, hopefully, love. Who knows?

I went into the depths of my feelings, asking and being honest with myself. Doing that I found my fears and I learned about them. It hurt, it was exhausting. It still is 😅, but tiny lights are visible now, like a dark night sky with a few stars in it 🥰.

How does knowing my fears help me?

It did not take me long to realize that knowing your fears might not be enough. Yes, not I know why I am angry, why I am sad, or ashamed. But so what? That does not remove the sadness, or the shame, or the anger. And some of them are soo deep it feels like they hurt physically. And I did not want that.

Searching for answers I discovered that I had two aspects that I want to tackle.

Listen to my fears. Accept me and my needs.

Listening to my fears makes me realize what is important for me. Makes me realize what is it that I want and see when I sacrifice my happiness and myself.

Fears also bring my needs upfront. Like my body telling me "Hey man, you need this. Take it!"

I feel angry when I am stuck in traffic. I fear that being late will make me seem untrustworthy. So being on time is important for me.

I feel ashamed when I receive help from others. I fear that I seem weak and helpless. So being strong and independent is important for me.

The important part is that, after I figured my fears out, I accept them. I accept what is important for me. I accept myself the way I am. 🥰

Go deeper and fight the fears.

Discovering my fears I realize that some of them are not applicable anymore and hold me back.

The shame about my ideas and thought that I feel is something that holds me back. The fear of being rejected by the people I look up to stops me from growing.

Is important to accept these fears as well. I don't want to feel overwhelmed. But I want to do something about them. I want to grow and surpassing my fears is necessary for growth.

What I did is expose myself to my fears. At first intensely, and that was a mistake. It crushed me into a pile of darkness and suffering and despair. That had to stop. ✋

After gathering myself and dusting myself up, I remembered my lesson from the gym. Like I remembered when I started being more grateful.

Take it slowly and step by step!

I am afraid of rejection of talking to people about stuff I find interesting? Awesome, I started to talk with friends about my work, projects, and ideas.

It was strange and hard, but I did it. And after a few times, it was OK.

I don't like stuff being done for me? I think I don't deserve it? Awesome! I started having massages, started scheduling time for myself, a forced myself to accept gifts and say "Thank you".

I don't think I have anything interesting to say, I am afraid people will laugh at me? Awesome! I started writing on Medium 😁😁.

And so on. I listed my fears, placed them in front of me, and searched for the one that I can fight easily. After I would feel ok about it. I would do it again.

After some time the fears that at first seemed crushing and untouchable now felt smaller and manageable. Some of them are even easy 🤩.

I felt like I can do anything.

Always listen

Fear is good. Fear tells you what is wrong. Fear tells you "something here you don't like" . it is your choice if you run or ask "what exactly?". It is also your choice what you do with the answer.

Accept it, fight it, learn from it, learn about yourself. It is hard to listen, it is hard to accept, it is hard to fight. But it might be harder to ignore. The choices are there.

I realized that and I chose to fight them in my way.

Reach for the darkness and you will find the light. Like Jeff Foster says in the poem:

Once, I ran from difficult feelings.

Now, they are my advisors, confidants, friends,

and they all have a home in me,

and they all belong and have dignity.

I am sensitive, soft, fragile,

my arms wrapped around all my inner children.

And in my sensitivity, power.

In my fragility, an unshakeable Presence.

In the depths of my wounds,

in what I had named "darkness",

I found a blazing Light

that guides me now in battle.

I became a warrior

when I turned towards myself.

And started listening.

If you liked this article and it helped you in any way, then I would love it if you would buy me a coffee ❤️☕️.