Diving Deeply

I just turned 64. I don't feel 64. In my mind, I feel like I am 18.

I was a wife and mother from the time I was 19 until just recently. Of course I was married 3 times, but I kind of just went from one confusing and dysfunctional marriage into another.

I took care of my mother until she passed away, and then I took care of my older disabled brother until he passed away. I went through a couple of stormy relationships with men who didn't want to make a commitment and didn't want to get a job. Then, I moved in with a couple of my children, and finally settled into an apartment with a man I really didn't know very well.

In essence, I became a chameleon in all of my relationships for the first 63 years of my life. It seemed I was always the strong one, the one who took charge, the calm mind in the storm. I was the one that always stepped back and placed the needs of the other first. I was always someone that someone else wanted me to be.

The man I was living with moved into a bigger place out in the country and I tagged along. Eventually, my son came to live with us in a little cabin on the property. With a little TLC the cabin became a cozy little shelter for him to heal and find himself after a bad marriage.

When my son found himself and moved into another town, I moved my meager collection of trinkets and furniture into the cabin. At first I thought that it would be a good place to find a little solitude. I had never lived on my own, and the cabin was just the right place for me to give it a try. I loved it!

But, I wasn't prepared for the soul searching that would be a part of the process. I didn't have a television and the sole source of heat was a wood stove. It was totally quiet and my only companion was my 11 year old cat.

I wasn't all that far from the main house but I didn't feel the need to go there unless I needed a shower.. there was no running water in the cabin.. but I had an RV toilet.

My soul searching actually started one night after a thunderstorm. After the booms and lightening that shook and lit up the cabin, I fell asleep to the rhythm of the falling rain.

In my dream, I was underwater. I knew I was in the ocean, but I had no sense of fear or of drowning. As I sank deeper into the ocean depths, I saw the faces of my family and my friends around me. They looked at me with varying decrees of amazement, anger, resentment, and concern. I just kept sinking deeper leaving them far above me.

I saw in retrospect that the things that were pulling me downward were the things that I no longer needed. I didn't need the self sacrifice or the guilt or the fear of letting someone down. I didn't need the self doubt or the self ridicule.

I let them go and watched as each of these weights drifted off of me and upwards.

As I sank deeper yet, I found myself wondering if I didn't have any of those things to hang onto anymore.. then who was I?

There was a time I wanted to be a dancer. I love to dance. It makes me feel whole and happy. I wanted to be a writer. I have a ton of stories in my head that need to find a home somewhere else. I wanted to travel and have adventures. I am semi retired and there are so many places that need to be explored. Why wasn't I exploring them? I always wanted to sky dive. There is a sky dive place right around the corner from me.

I realized that all that was stopping me from being healthy, happy and productive was me.

As I began to reshape how I felt about myself and what I wanted to be and do, I found myself floating gently upwards. I passed through my doubts and fears and my families ideas about who and what I should be.

In the dream I broke through the surface of the water and took a deep breath, and at the same time I woke up in my bed and took a deep breath. It was time to take what I learned from the dream and start to recreate myself.

I took a long hard look at what I wanted and how I wanted to achieve it and dove back into my life.

I moved out of the cabin. It had served it's purpose. My son had an empty room in his home that he had offered to me time and again. I repacked my belongings, loaded them into my Jeep along with my cat and began my new journey. I have no regrets.

Today I am working a little part time job which keeps me busy. I joined up for a few classes that challenge my mind, body and spirit, and hang out with people who are upbeat and who have made their own deep dive.

Life is good!