D.I.Y. Project of Love

I grabbed those scissors and cut the cord. Every single one of them. Friends, co-workers and yes, some family. I was done living a life that was never mine. Granted it served me well. I have no regrets, so at fifty years old, I finally woke up. My soul was re-born, I was alive.

I was living a life that wasn’t aligned with who I was anymore. One warm summer day in June of 2020, sitting outside with the sun blinding my eyes, talking with my husband, short of 5 months of our 25th wedding anniversary, I turned to him and blurted out, I want a divorce. He looked into my eyes and knew I meant business this time. It’s been coming for years now, I was just waiting for the right time. I was finally right on time. Our daughter was 21, grown and on her own. My responsibility to keep the family unit together was complete. I did the right thing. Time and time again. It was the right thing for my soul though this time. I was dying inside. His response, simply, ok. He knew. It wasn’t a one sided liberation. It was liberation for two. He needed to be set free to. He was clinging on to stability and comfortability. I had lost my identity, wondering who was I? Who is this woman, I no longer recognized every morning when my feet hit the hardwood on my side of the bed.

I knew it was time, I took the imaginary scissors and cut that soul tie thirty years in the making. I meet him at nineteen years old, a babe out of the woods, what did I know back then, I had hardly lived. Now, at 50, I’ve learned all my lessons, I put the work in, now it was time to work on the greatest project of all time. I rolled up my sleeves and began again. I got serious and dig in the dirt, through all that muck in my soul, forgive myself for every stupid mistakes, every person that had hurt me. It was time I re-built me, my new life, it was to time to begin work on the greatest D.I.Y. project of my life. It was time to carve my new path, follow my destiny to find me. To find true unconditional love for myself and the world.

I dug deep. Inside my mind and soul. I spent days and nights alone. Traveling through hell, in and out of my childhood, my marriage, friendship, work relationships, you name it, I re-visited it all. The emotional abuse, the physical abuse, sexual molestation at 9 years old. All those societal conditioning telling me I wasn’t good enough, who was I to dream big. Living with the stigma of being fat shamed since I was a toddler barely five years old. No matter how much weight I lost over the years, the girl staring back in the mirror would always be the ‘fat one’. All the trauma, I healed it all on my own. The awakening had begun.

I became a recluse, as the rest of the word did during COVID. I believe many of us, experienced the same path. Our lives would be changed forever. It was those who chose to do the work on healing themselves and finding self-love for oneself and unconditional love for all, that saw the light. I dig myself out of the rubble. The tower hit, everything I knew came crumbling down. My third eye was opened. I started connecting with the Divine, I began talking to Angels. The Heavens from above, came down, stood by my side, held my hand when everyone had left me for dead. No one understood what I was coming through. Heck, I didn’t even know what I was going through. I was a shedding of the old skin, I was a Phoenix rising, I struck the match, I burned it all down to the ground and ran like a crazed woman towards the light. I held the fire and the light inside. I had transformed. I had won. Even if I never succeeded, I knew I found the key to happiness. It's simple, it's self-love.

The first step in this, do it myself project was elevating. I had to raise my vibration. The higher you vibrate, the more positivity you attract in. I found staying in that negativity, only brings you down, there was a need to block out all the negativity. The news was turned off, people were cut out, situations that no longer served me, were gone, gone, gone. Music healed my soul. 24/7, I walked around, inside of course, with my headphones on. You name it, it was on, I could name a million artists that were there for me when no one else was but we would be here till 2022. I picked up new hobbies that I always wanted to learn but never had the time. I found what truly ignited my soul through the darkness. The things that made me happy, just for me. I started living for me. As an Empath, I did everything for everyone with love but there weren’t many people around who returned that love. I started learning how to fill my own cup of love. I learned the mystical art of Tarot, I found who I was in my soul through the stars and planets. I went deep into the galaxy, I found a profound love of astrology. I remembered, I used to love to write. Ah, yes my Mercury is in Gemini, it all makes sense now. I found my own happiness through writing, journaling, mediation, mindfulness. I re-trained my brain, replaced every negative thought with a positive, self-affirming, empowered thought. I found my own Nirvana.

Let me take you back to 1983, in the neighborhood of Italians, Brooklyn, New York. My Father had passed away when I was 12 years old. He had Type 1 Diabetes and heart issues. He was a good man but he had a very bad temper. There was always yelling and screaming, fighting, hitting around me. I learned as a child to be seen and not heard. I learned to become invisible. If they couldn't see you, they couldn't hurt you. My Mother was left at 40 years old, with two young daughters, twins, my sister and I, and my two older brothers. My Mom had to forge her own path now, alone and afraid, she had to provide. She was and she is my warrior, the woman I strive to be. This is a woman who never graduated High School, who built her self from the ground up and became the Vice President of a gourmet coffee coffee. She was dealing with her own demons and I know she loved myself and my siblings but she left emotionally from twelve years old till about 16 years old. I remember reading. All the time. Alone, no friends, in my bedroom. Just my twin and I. She is my best friend, my angel on earth, my rock and the wind beneath my wings. Music and words were my salvation at thirteen. Little did I know, fast forward thirty seven years, it would find me again and be my saving grace, yet again. It’s true when they say cycles repeat themselves. At thirteen, I knew I wanted to write. I wrote a poem about the love I had for my Mother. I sealed it in an envelope with love and mailed it off to a famous card company for their review. Well, if you can guess, a response came. I can remember, receiving that letter, so excited to open it, waiting for my life to change, waiting to be accepted, to be loved. As I pulled out the letter, every word I read turned to a blur. All I saw was, thank you for your submission but…rejected. Yet, again. I walked over to the garbage and threw it out along with yesterday’s trash, along with my dreams. I never picked up a pen again. Never wrote a poem again.

Until June 2020. I picked up that pen again and turned to a new page, white, crisp and clean. I started a new chapter in my book. Except this time, it was of my doing, what my soul knew it was supposed to do long before society told me, forget it kid, you'll never amount to nothing. The words, the anger, the hope, the love, the fire in my soul came pouring out. I wrote and wrote for months. Storytelling, the scars on my hurt, the words I was too afraid to speak. My voice that was silenced for fifty years, was finally set free. My life was mine again. I told all those control freaks to get their boot off my throat. You can’t silence me.

I was starting from scratch but this time I had a whole lifetime of experience backing me. A blank canvas, the colors I get to choose this time. No one was controlling me, telling me what I could or couldn’t do. I was marching to the beat of my own drum. Individuality was the name of this new game. I didn’t care if no one liked me anymore, I wasn’t for everyone. The people who needed me would find me and come buzzing around my little light. I was done being the goodie two shoes, trying to fit into the mold, to conform. Oh heck no, I broke the mold. I busted out of that box. Opened the cage, the canary found the key to set herself free. Please trust me when I say, this all sounds easy, but it was hell, it was soul crushing, spirit awakening all wrapped in one. I found love. For that little girl who was abused, put down, time after time, never felt good enough. I was proud to tell her, stand behind me, I’ll protect us from here on out. I know by the grace of his greatness above, I found my worth. I was born because I was loved, I was chosen. I was special, unique and meant to be here for a higher purpose. I knew, many lifetimes of karma were finally cleared. All those lessons were brought to my shores, to teach me so I could be someone else’s light out of the darkness. They say the healed become the healers. I studied, I took course after course, to better myself, to heal my soul. I did it on my own, on a budget of love. I knew deep inside my soul, if I believed in myself, I could do anything I set my mind to. I had it in me along, I finally believed in me. I cut those cords and I'm free, finally free to be me.

My heart was torn open, cracked into a million pieces strewn all around the floor. One by one, I picked them up, glued them back together and found me. I was transformed, better than I ever was before. I saw the light, with each song, with each word, writing became my therapy. Now my mission is to help others see the miracle inside each and every one of us. We are all different, so unique, so full of love and deserve the very best in life.

Each day is a struggle to choose the light over the darkness when you’re living in a mental prison of your own choosing. I had to cut those cords to all that were holding me back. I had to fly. My soul is yearning for more. I am going after my dreams, wherever they take me. Every person I loved, tossed me to the side, I felt worthless, they didn’t choose me. This isn’t a pity party, I know the part I played, it was all part of the bigger scheme of things. I learned, it was I, who was chosen, the day I was born to shine this little light of mine, anyway I could. Just like each and every one of us, is chosen to be loved and be love. To spread love, positivity and hope. If I can do it at fifty years old, I am here to tell you, you can do it too. I have the power now in my soul, I am the Empress in my world, no one is ever bringing me down again and snuffing out my light. Ever. Again. You hold your own divine power in your hands as well. It’s time you rose up and claimed it. Claim your own divine love to help others in need when they are down. Save the children of the world, who are kidnapped, held hostage, beaten, sexually abused, killed. They were brought into this world to be loved. It's our obligation to stop the madness and the abuse. They need to be rescued.

As I write this, it is a year to the day, the project of me begun. I took out the toolbox, my auxiliary of all things I learned and built a new me, from the ground up. This is the woman that love built. I found my way home. I followed my North Star to my soul. I am at peace finally in my own, perfectly, imperfect skin. The actual house in New Jersey is sold. I have forty days to pack up a home of sixteen years, find a place to live and go after my dreams. The choices are endless now, do I move to Tennessee and start a new crazy career to begin a long expired dream of songwriting, do I could hop in the car and drive down to Florida and paint along the shoreline. Write a book or two of how I transformed my life, how I was able to re-build me. I am Wonder Wonder, I am every woman, who was ever has been trapped, held down, felt not worthy, never good enough. I stand before you to say to you, if I can do this, you can too. I was the greatest project of all time. Most people would be stressed and scared yet here I am writing a story of how it’s all part of our destiny. Leave the stress and worry out of the equation, speak it out into the Universe and manifest your dreams. For when you believe, the Universe always has your back. Pick up the phone, when your soul is crying out for change. Pick yourself up. Don't ever give up. Don’t be afraid to answer the call, it will be the most rewarding project of your life. Go to your junk draw in your soul, pull out those shears and just start, sawing through those cords. All those strings that are teetering you to the ground, snip, snip, one by one, cut them all. You deserve to fly high along the milky way, amongst the stars. It’s beautiful living up here on cloud nine.

If you need some help, drop a line, I’ll gladly hand you my scissors to help you cut your own cords. Come aboard, I’ll steer the way, light our path with my soul glow. I will protect you from harm, that is my promise to you, I will never let you go down, I will never let you drown….Aye Aye Captain…let the journey begin, we are on our way to love. We are ready to save the world with love. I believe in the power of love. I believe in me. I believe in you. I believe in us. We will rise.