Cost of Serenity

I just found out that a little bottle of vodka is $5.99 on a Swoop airplane. Why did I ask? I don't even know,

But I do know the man sitting in my row, two seats over from me ordered one,

Along with a Clamato juice, I guess creating his own Bloody Mary...

Bloody Mary...

Bloody Mary…

Whoops wrong place and time for that.

///

I can smell my drink of choice. I am slowly getting nauseous the more I smell it. The more

I think about it. The more I imagine it

Burning as it descends my throat.

The more I want drugs to go with it.

Crossfaded always did feel the best.

But I am so close to six months sober. 12 days to be exact.

But who is counting? Well I am, I am counting and I hope that someday I can stop counting, but right now I count in such a way that you already know that I am an addict without needing me to introduce myself:

"Hi, I'm Riley and I'm an drug addicted alcoholic"

///

My dealer's texts are like having a built in sobriety counter, I see all the messages I've had to ignore. My last reply being my last relapse, being the last time I relaxed, I need to just block the Motherfucker.

///

I've never made it to seven months.

As the saying goes, six is afraid of seven, because allegedly seven, eight, nine.

However, in this country someone is innocent until proven guilty.

Since I have never known what seven months is like, I can't prove that it will be just as good as six, or five. I do not know if it will be pleasant surprises and blessings or if it is the month where sobriety starts getting shitty.

Really shitty.

That is only my perspective. I have seen

Others in the rooms who are doing so well and who swear that the program saved them and changed everything;

For the better.

Logically there is proof of seven being better than six.

Though the good old pessimist that is me, myself and I, if given the chance to deviate from authority's word, I always will.

I have a love/hate relationship with playing devil's advocate. I want the underdog to

Win meanwhile the underdog's will isn't usually aligned with my Higher Power's will. I need to work on my blind faith.

I pray that I can beat my own record.

Get to seven months,

Then eight,

And then nine, cause "hey yo momma did it!"

While I am at it just try staying sober for as long as I can. Maybe then I can be

That person who others aspire to be. Who I aspire to be.

///

"God, Higher Power, Entity who made the water cycle:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to MAKE a difference. "