Bizarre Extended Family Function

I was at a bizarre extended family function, 12 years ago, in the mid-west.

And trust me me when I tell you, the word extended is an understatement. We were in Ohio. And I overheard a school principal in-law, speaking to his nephew. And he used the term "socially transmitted diseases."

In my head I was like . . . what? . . . do you mean like shaking hands?

And then it dawned on me.

That my liberal New York educators spoke of subjects like medical ethics and sex. So if you are a principal, and you are not willing to use the phrase "sexually transmitted disease" at a non-school function, aren't you a part of the problem? Isn't your denial causing the spread?

When I fall towards depression, I find that I don't run much.

But running is one of the few things which takes me out of it.

My pre-menstrual symptoms are getting worse, and lasting longer. And I try to give myself some leniency knowing that fifty two year old hormones, will be fifty two year old hormones.

It could be the year it has been, or the insurmountable amount of bullshit at work, but I have been spending an uncomfortable amount of time just lying around the apartment, doing very little. I have been checking out, and eating crappy food.

I miss like mad, the amount of desire with which I would throw on my running shoes, just a short time ago.

Anxiety and depression are such fierce competitors. And within my own body, I wish that they would both fuck off.

My 2020 pretty much started with an anxiety relapse, and now I am experiencing some rather intense depression. To be clear, I am absolutely not in any danger of hurting myself, nor anyone else. That's not how my form of depression really works.

But I'm back with my doctor, the good/expensive one, who doesn't accept my insurance. She is seeing me on a generously sliding scale, and I appreciate her for that. She has known me for over 10 years, and has put before me some truly considerable options, yet has left the decision making up to me.

NOW HERE'S A DELEMA FOR YOU, for us actually.

My artistic partners and I work together, in an unrelated field elsewhere. The company couldn't care less if we live or die. I don't believe that I am exaggerating one bit. They care about numbers. People don't even exist when there are exponential profits to be made. And this is affecting our individual and collective mental healths, directly interfering with our ability to create art.

No one has come forward to help us, although I have asked, repeatedly. We can not afford to quit, and I can assure you, there are no other jobs in New York.

My Days

• Chopra, 21 Day Meditation Experience. Day 1, All Relationship Is Connection. Today's centering thought: ideal relationships are my intention every day. Aham prema. I am love.
• Second day taking L-Methylfolate.
• Here's a bizarre thing I'm doing, although it makes a bit of sense to me. I purchased empty vegan gel capsules from the local health food store. I have been filling them each morning with turmeric, crushed red pepper, and one with a combo of hemp-flax-maca. For what reason? I'm not sure. But it's cheaper than all of those health food store grade supplements. Which by the way, are totally unregulated. Right?
• Chopra, 21 Day Meditation Experience. Day 2, My relationships begin within, through love and caring for myself. Karuna hum. I am compassion.

As of this morning, it is official.

I am on another leave-of-absence from work until the end of the year, which is three weeks. My co-workers are testing positive for COVID at a disturbing rate, at this point in the pandemic. And I do not see the company doing much to protect us.

Yesterday I had a straight up anxiety attack at work. I stepped out onto the loading dock for a few moments, popped a Klonopin, and returned to work. I was able to hide my situation behind my mask and face shield. And once the med kicked in, I was able to complete my task.

I was even able to crack a few jokes to my co-workers:

• Does cottage cheese really come from a cottage? Where is the cottage?
• Does black forrest ham really come from a black forrest? Where is the black forrest? I must have skipped that day in home economics.
• Maybe the cottage is IN the black forrest. That's why we've never been there.

But I knew I was done, stick a fork in me done. I spoke to a manager saying that it wasn't personal, but I need to head home for a few weeks to take care of myself.

I remain five months behind on my rent, thanks to my unpaid leave earlier this year, which was for the same reason. We can all kid ourselves into thinking that mental health has nothing to do with COVID, but I am telling you that I am living proof. But I can not continue to put myself at risk, working in the middle of a sandstorm. It's not fair to me, or my co-workers, who I do care a great deal about.

I returned home and slept for about 12 hours. Klonopin is such powerful shit, that I can not live on it, even with 2020 being 2020.

I'm looking around my tiny apartment and it looks like a major stoner lives here. And trust me when I tell you that I talk a good game when it comes to cannabis. I truly love the stuff, but I've had the same edibles in my freezer for over a year. What does that tell you?

But I need to clean my home, bottom to top, starting with my own heart.