Between Right Now

You may be wondering why I am lying in the back of my car at golden hour, with the sounds of wind-swept trees to keep me company. The cark park is bleak and the entrance to the National Park is overgrown. I’d driven without direction to land here and stared at the forgotten trail with its unreadable green sign for a solid twenty minutes. It was the kind of signage you can find at any Queensland mountain, park or trail that’s been kicking around since the 90’s. Green, wooden, carved and in a font that is too cute to be council imposed. I knew the minute I saw the entrance that this was a place I could rest.

When a car passes by, I check to ensure they don’t have intentions to use the public space, as if this were a frequented place. Each time they drive by I, using what little energy I have, push myself up and peak through the back window hoping they do not develop nefarious intentions and come back. Despite the mild case of paranoia, with my eyes closed the day melts away. With them open I can see the dense trees sway above me, as the warm light makes every attempt to reach me but offers little warmth to my physical or spiritual state.

My eyes sting and my head is heavy, but here and now is the most comfort I’ve felt for the past few months. I wish that this knowledge didn’t plant a seed of distress in my chest, but I have not been the type to relish in solitude. To feel a sense of peace in the absence of everyone I’ve ever loved or who has ever loved me is foreign to the woman I was yesterday, or even an hour ago. No matter how comfortable I am here, I know that I have to leave before the sun disappears from behind the leaves that blanket me in this moment.

The stillness of the place slows down time, but not my mind. The ache in my chest swells and crashes over me as I think of everyone that finds themselves here. Not physically in this car park, but in this moment. Where there is nowhere to go, other than away. The point in a relationship where you find yourself at the park crying on a swing, rocking yourself with the gentle approach you wish they would. From your friend’s couch, or even your own, when your bed is too empty to lie in any longer. On a morning walk, because not even sleep could keep you. With everyone that’s ever been in this moment, I manage to chip away at the all-consuming loneliness that had been eating me for days, maybe my whole life.

Two Weeks Ago

“It’s disappointing to hear that the company isn’t going to honour my redundancy, particularly because I continued work to support my friends and colleagues when it seems I should have dropped everything instead. It is a shame that he is choosing not to act in alignment with the company’s value of integrity.”

“We’re trying to keep you employed and in development, Liv.” The HR Lady seemed exasperated.

“With respect, I don’t feel I need development to have the title and compensation that applies to the work I’ve already been doing for over a year now. I have to head off to another meeting. Enjoy the rest of your day.”

We exchanged quick goodbyes before I hung up.

I let out the breath I was holding onto and threw my phone onto the bed as I walked past. There was no other meeting.

The time hurtled itself toward five pm. It has never sat right with me that my body and mind are pulled into action when I know he will be home soon. Like an antiquated clock with a toy that comes to life at the right time to be anything for anyone else but me.

One Year Ago

“If I am honest, I asked you to come over to discuss something important if you have a moment.”

He looked at me with a silent nervousness and he took a seat on my sister’s couch.

“Okay.” He said slow and quiet. “I have time.”

“I want to preface this by saying that I have no interest in remaining involved past this point. I am letting you know because a year ago someone should have told me about her.”

My practice of the opening line purchased me a small piece of confidence as he had the decency to feign embarrassment. I took a breath.

“One week ago, I found out, so I understand this is old news for the group, but it isn’t to me.”

He nodded.

“I’ve had the chance to speak with everyone and have received excuses for their silence without asking for one. I had planned to remove you all from social media and call it a day, but many of them mentioned that she felt pressured and that your advances were, and I quote “un-consensual.”

“I didn’t cheat on you physically.” He looked shocked.

“I’m not interested in talking about any of that. I am unlikely to ever know what is a lie and what is the truth. What I do know is that here is a group of people that have claimed you were inappropriate and used strong language to do so. I don’t want to believe it, because it also means that my friends were happy to leave me unaware in a relationship with a potential predator. It also means they were happy to expose her to you despite what they knew.”

I let in a moment of silence.

“Or she made this up so she could feel better about her choices. If she made this up, then they are all too happy to go along with it without confronting you or her. Either way I felt you should know what had been said as it seemed public knowledge to everyone else. Much like your affair.”

“Wow, this is…” he rubbed his hand over his face in what looked like an attempt to wake up. “This is not what I was expecting. Thank you for telling me. I had no idea.”

“Like I said I don’t want anything else to do with any of you or any of this.”

“I understand that.”

“I have to go to work.” I said with a coldness that had come and gone like seasons since we’d met thirteen years ago, destined to one day become Winter forever.

We made our way out the door and as I walked away, he said one last, “Thank you for being honest with me, even though I don’t deserve it.”

I nodded and walked away thinking of all the jaw-flooring mean things I could have said to make all of them all feel as horrible as I did.

Nine Months Ago

“I don’t feel anything right now.”

“Not even towards me?”

He sat in silence on my bed. My eyes welled with tears and I did everything in my power to create more space for them in my head. I hadn’t cried much over the last six months and the internal race where I kept busy and my emotions trailed far behind me was becoming part of who I was, and the mess that felt imminent was about to catch up and become me.

“I can’t change how you feel.” I should have told you to leave.

The silence continued as a poem formed in my mind. A promise to cry when I was safe and alone.

“I don’t understand. Just two days ago everything was perfect. You told me you loved me.”

Whatever words he said didn’t land, as I have no memory of them. My mind was filled with the memories we’d created over the last two months since coming back into each other’s lives. The problem with my words has always been that they paint me naïve when I am all too aware and do understand. I’d always tended to fall into, not in, love. I broke my own heart again, as I had been doing for the last nine years. As I would continue to do today. As I may do for the rest of my life.

Three Years Ago

“Call my sister, she’s home right now and I’ve let her know what’s happened. I have to head back to work, but I will see you as soon as I get home.”

I hung up and climbed the hill from the Eagle Street Peir towards Central Station. I’d always liked the walk to and from work. I liked being a part of the city’s beat. At the time, a lot was going right for me. As I sat on the train weeping at midday on a Thursday, I called her sister, and tried to sound more resolute than I was.

“I needed to do this for me, so I could have a relationship with my sister again.”

“I get that.”

Not even a week after my decision the feeling of loneliness and fear dressed up as regret had him handing me essential oils in a car after he picked up a suit for the funeral he’d be attending with another girl.

“I think that you use me as a form of self-harm.” He was so close to the truth, but as always, he came up short. The harm was never self-inflicted, but I was addicted to the cycle. It was time for him to make it better and he didn’t want to anymore. He had found another supply, and not until that dried up did he come to me with the illusion of love. A hoax no one could talk me out of. He was my life savings investment right before the Great Depression.

Nine Years Ago

“You two should go as friends to formal.”

The words shocked me as I let them leap into existence. I looked to him to reject the idea, and I would look for him to reject notions just like this for years to come. He never did.

“It’s funny, but not long after you proposed he and I go together, you’ll never guess who asked me.”

“Who?” I had no preconceived notions.

“The guy from English. I think you two are friends.”

My heart sank.

“Oh, that’s weird, I didn’t think you two knew each other.”

“We don’t really.”

I started to turn on my heal to leave, “I’ll see you after school? Study and snacks?”

“Sounds good.”

I came as close as one can to a Jane Austen moment, except I wasn’t Lizzy Bennet or even any Bennet. Unlike the girls in Pride and Prejudice, the pickles with which I found myself were self-inflicted and not systemic class issues.

I inserted myself into another story, I have a knack for getting what I want and it back firing in a spectacular fashion.

Today

I manoeuvre myself into the driver’s seat with near yogic grace. My hand found keys and put it into the ignition. The car starts and I leave the safety of this place knowing that the girl I was, the woman I am and the woman I am becoming have to walk together into the future, forever in-between the past and right now, without those that choose not to walk with us.