Begin again

I don’t know about you but when I have to think about life changing events, it’s just so hard to choose one. Maybe it’s because I haven’t experienced a life/death situation, terrible sickness or any other major tragedies...but I do feel that my life is full of life changing moments, no matter how good or small they might seem. So, it’s not easy to choose from the list if I put on those lens: we are experiencing change and evolving all the time. Anything can turn into a life changing experience, depending on us.

I could talk about moving abroad multiple times, discovering my grandfather had a whole hidden family and was illegally married to two women at the same time. I could also talk about my past relationships. Believe me, I managed to date the most entertaining characters, either for good or bad.

But I decided to talk about something very personal and rather uncomfortable. Because I’m not sure how many people open these discussions and maybe it’s rather needed.

This year, 2021, has been so hard for me. And I don’t mean only because of COVID, probably a worldwide pandemic just provided the right context.

Going straight to the point, around 6 months ago I discovered I had repressed trauma from my childhood that I had completely forgotten about. It’s really hard to put this into words. And I’m not sure what is the life changing event: to go through it, to forget it or to remember it around 25 years later?

Apparently, when you go through something your brain can’t process, it gets stored and lost in one of your brain drawers to protect you. So, in a way, I’m thankful to my body and mind, for making that happen and letting that 5 year old move on with her life. But I’m sure it didn’t come without consequences. How many other parts of myself got buried so I could save myself from drowning and continue living?

Anyways, It’s a story that comes in many life chapters as I reached 30 years keeping that life event unnoticed.

It all began when I relocated countries and moved to London. The pandemic and strong self isolation rules just forced me to be at home with my two cats and alone most of the time. I didn’t know anyone in the city. So basically I just tried to work and afterwards, whatever. This context made all my usual joy gone. And I felt so much darkness around me but I honestly didn’t understand where it was coming from. I couldn’t sleep well, I had nightmares, I could even wake up screaming. What was my unconsciousness trying to tell me?

It took a lot of inner work and some months. I’m not going to write about the many ways to remember something you blocked from your past as the tools are so personal but one day it just hit me. And even though it was so real, I could even feel the emotions from the moment it happened like in delay...but it was still hard to believe in myself, as I wanted it to be unreal. Sometimes I still find it hard to believe that memory and a part to me wants to think I'm making it up...But I'm not. And it's because It’s so hard to build yourself again from that moment. Would it be easier if I had never remembered?

Either ways, I’m a researcher so It was not hard for me to reconstruct the facts and get the story. To prove it. It broke my heart living, again, through my memory, the abuse I had to go through from someone I always believed loved me and would never hurt me. It was confusing to know what to do, what action to take next.

Acknowledging that a huge part of who I am and all my power is a result of being so alone, fragile and unprotected as a kid just hurts.But I'm glad I know because it explains who I am and I can take ownership of that. Acknowledging also helped me release stuck emotions and helped me notice that some beliefs I was holding to were based on that experience and limiting my ability to experience and enjoy life as a young adult.

After remembering and sharing with the right people I did some practices to release trauma from my body, as it’s the one who keeps the pain: I managed to feel how scared that 5 year old was, how confused and how contradictory her world was. Love is not supposed to hurt. Not that way. I could see how I ate my feelings, put on weight, got many infections and just shut up. The joy was gone. And the social non-stopped-talking kid just went silent. No one noticed or cared enough to ask.

Dealing with trauma is very lonely. I have to say, your trauma it’s just yours. There can be support and some are luckier than others on this but it’s still a one person job. Meeting and talking to others can help. Getting to know the tools. You can overcome this. And I mean, if my little 5 year old managed to go through life, my 30 year old woman can handle this. I owe it to her. I owe her to have the life and the happiness that was irresponsibly taken away from her. Not paying attention and not listening to kids is such a huge mistake. I know everyone in my family was doing what they could but it was not enough. I forgive them now, not that anyone said sorry. But I decide not to carry their luggage.

This event definitely deviated the course of my life. I don’t know where I’d be without it. But I need to honor myself for being so strong, brave and smart to pull me out of the danger and the pain. For taking myself to a country, 15 km away from where I was born so I could be safe to finally be who I really am, slowly but steadily.

Remembering won’t immediately change your life, it won’t change the past but I can see the potential, I can see how it can be life changing in the future. Because now I get to decide what I want to do and who I want to become. Now I can even recover some of those parts that should have never got lost: my voice, my boundaries, my openness to share. And most importantly, the joy I was born with.

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So yeah, remembering my trauma made me realise how magical I actually am. It gave me the tools to let me know I can navigate this life and take in the blessing all around. It also gave me tools to help others. So if you ever went through something similar and want to chat, please drop me a line. Maybe the road to healing doesn’t have to be so lonely.

Some quick advice: Don’t deny what happened. Go through the emotions: confusion, anger, resentment, pain, denial. And always believe in yourself. Always know you deserve better.