Apologizing

You all might not understand, but I lost myself a while back. So when you see me poppin’ my shit and living my best life, it’s not a stunt on anybody. It’s me apologizing to myself.

You all might not understand, but I lost myself a while back.

When I say that I lost myself a while back, I am talking about letting others tell you how you are supposed to feel about yourself. No one has the right to tell you how to get over something that has traumatized you. When others come to me and say things like get over it and let it go, it just tells me that the person giving me this information is not solid in who they are. If you have the nerve to step to me with getting over something, you damn well better make sure that you have proof to back up what you are telling me you think I need to do. I don’t mind my inner circle telling me things like this because they already know what my goals are, to begin with, but for those people who think that it is okay for you to constantly put your nose in matters that don’t concern you,,, be careful. I am not saying anything that hasn’t already been said, but I know who and what I am, and I don’t need anyone else’s feedback on how I live unless I come to you and ask you.

When I was younger, I used to deal with mental health issues, and believe me, this is nothing easy to talk about, but at the same time, if my words can reach others that are going through this, believe me, you will win if you reprogram your mindset.

So when you see me poppin’ my shit and living my best life, it’s not a stunt on anybody.

I am not throwing shade or stunting on anyone here; I am just making things clear for all that think they know me. I have been through too much unnecessary hell to allow others that aren’t even doing half of the positive things that I am currently doing to come and destroy all of my hard work. No one knows about the silent nights that I could’t sleep well because I was afraid and mentally thinking about all of the things others said about me. No one knows the late-night tears that I had to shed to heal my heart and mind.

It’s me apologizing to myself.

It has been and always will be me apologizing to myself for allowing others to control my mind and emotions. I am apologizing to the little girl that couldn’t defend herself because of the actions of an adult that knew better than to hurt a child. I am apologizing to the teenage self who got lost in this world because she thought this was how things were supposed to be. I am apologizing to the twenty-year-old self because she had no guidance from an adult whom she came into contact with over the years. I am apologizing to my thirty-year-old self because she didn’t know that her whole life up until her thirties was a lie.

I stopped apologizing to myself when I hit forty because now I know that no one can live my life better than me, and for this reason, alone, I could care less what another person thinks or feels about me. I am confident and secure in who I am, and to be honest, this has been my mood for as long as I live. I have to be greatful for sitting around trying to figure out why the hell you don’t like me. It has and always will be about me and me alone. I walk alone for a reason and those of my fans who understand you already know what I mean.