Am I Good Enough?

This is the first time I've ever written anything so personal that will be made public in this way. So, lets dive right in I guess. For as long as I can remember I've had issues seeing value in myself. Whether it was how I looked or my personality it has been hard for me to be comfortable with who I am.

How I look...

Now, this is something that I know everyone faces when they're growing up, we're practically grown to not enjoy how we look while we go through puberty. For me, it was my teenage years when my confidence really took a hit. Unlike most issues, how I perceived myself wasn't based on what people said, but on what I saw. From teenagers played by adults on TV to people around me who hit puberty ahead of me, I only saw people looking a lot older and taller than I was. My body was suddenly too thin and my face was too "baby-ish".

It was only once I'd been through puberty and started to style myself how I wanted that the confidence in how I looked started to grow again. Even now, at the age of 26 there isn't 100% confidence in who stares back in the mirror; but I definitely don't avoid looking at my reflection anymore. Who knows, with time I'll be fully happy with how I look - but for now the insecurities I currently have are nowhere near as bad.

Why am I like this?

For my next mountain to overcome, who I am as a person. Since, I was in 6th form (age 18) I had a severe issue with my personality. Unlike how I looked, this stemmed from bullying at the hands of a teacher, someone who seemed to make an effort in pointing out aspects of my character and making them out to be flaws. Having endured this for two years I wasn't able to bounce back like I used to; going into university my confidence was entirely shot, I didn't like myself at all to the point of contemplating and then attempting suicide (feels weird writing that out).

Having gone through university, creating a fantastic group of friends, and really embracing my sexuality I managed to build myself up again. After years I could hold my head high and feel more like myself. However, the once happy boy was twisted slightly, having to build myself up and go through a number of incidents through uni, I've become more cynical and bitter. At 26 I try to avoid this side of me, wanting to retain the positivity I once had; but there is still that lurking voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough.

Balancing professional and personal life...

When it comes to my work/professional life I still end up questioning my decisions; I've recently been put into a managerial position and I still think, 6 months in, that one day someone is going to tell me they've made a mistake. I've normally been good at balancing work life and normal life, recently it feels more like I'm an imposter at work, that the work I put out there (that is good) is wrong or is the wrong choice to have made. Even when I've got people constantly telling me that it is good, there is that small voice saying something must be off.

Now i've sat down with myself and come to realise that I am good at my job, that is something I definitely know at the forefront of my mind. It just that small voice that I sometimes can never keep quiet all the time.

At the end of the day...

Trying so hard not to sing Les Mis, but moving on. As I'm sat writing this its been weirdly cathartic; its like I've released a lot of the worries that I'm always facing. Some of what has been written above has been dealt with now, and I'm able to look myself in the mirror and appreciate what I see and be who I am confidently.

There is still a while to go and fears to face before I can 100% be confident in who I am. Who knows, in the future, I'll be able to quiet the voice of doubt that I think i've become far to aquainted with for so long. I want to see the smiling man in the picture of this article to be how I feel at all times, knowing who I am at all points of my life and embrace life with everything that I am and can be.