A world gone crazy

This week has been the same as many of the others and now that the week has ended, I am fatigued. The election was an exhausting affair. The outcome though declared is still not set in stone and that in and of itself wears on a person more. Add in the exhaustion that comes with the pandemic and the depression of staring at the same four walls as one works plays and socializes online. We are trying to keep the world safe, but it seems not matter what measures are put in place the world takes one step forward only to take a giant wind caught breeze backwards. As a people, we need the hope of an end date of the pandemic, the nonsense that is the election aftermath, and the hope of an income. All those things are being denied us since they are outside, mainly, from the control of the general population.

This week has also been confusing. Not that this is surprising as there is much of the ‘normal’ world that I do not understand. I went to the Texas renaissance festival with a bunch of my host family’s friends. All of us tested negative wore masks, washed and sanitized often, and went and had a blast. We walked the grounds dressed in costume had way too much to drink, took in the shows, and had a great time. The part that was confusing to me. The outright and blatant sexuality behind it all. The women who dressed up were comfortable in what they were wearing. Or not wearing. There was blatant sexuality to what they wore and how they portrayed themselves. The men were just as comfortable in their own skins. Something so little but so significant. I was taught and still struggle to be comfortable in my own skin. I was taught to be ashamed of my figure, my weight, my complexion. Anything that did not fit within the community guidelines for beauty. Now that I am living in the world the idea of being comfortable with my body is a foreign concept. Being comfortable with sexuality is also extremely far from my idea of normal.

I also began to realize that maybe I am not exactly straight? There was so much beauty in the men as well as the women. So much joy in just being able to express themselves in whatever way they chose to. I saw people who were in dominant and submissive relationships being open about them. People who were polyamorous being open about it and no one else caring that these relationships were being carried out in front of them! While it shocked me because of where I had been it was also quite welcoming. There was no judgment. No expectation that they meet a certain status quo. I was welcomed and chastised and teased as though I had been part of this group, this niche, forever. I loved the fact that they just assumed I was ok with everything around me and let me figure out the dynamics of it all.

I set a goal for myself to go back again. To become more comfortable in my own skin. I will continue fighting for that normalcy of life that was denied to me. I am learning the vocabulary to change my own life. Nine weeks into this new life and already I have seen more of the world I have supposedly been praying for and seeing it outside the view lens of the cult. There is so much more to the world. So much more to learn. It is through these experiences that maybe one day I can look at the world and know where I truly fit in.