A Sign of Wisdom

Tears soaked her pillow and stung her skin as she asked herself, quietly, “Why do I even bother?” Margaux was weary and frustrated for finding herself in this situation time and time again. Broken and abandoned once again. “I blame my mother” she said, as she stood on her feet and began to wipe the tears away. “Why is it so hard to love me?” she whimpered to herself. It had been three weeks since her estranged fiancé had any contact with her. He was having second thoughts about the wedding that would have been 6 weeks away. Her face was swollen and red as she walked towards the bathroom to wash away the evidence of her sorrow. The old floorboards creaked beneath her feet with each step she took. Margaux hated the house at night and always felt that something was watching her. She hated it even more now that she was left there alone. It was almost as if something had its eyes glued to her every time she began to walk down that long, dark hallway. The architecture of the old farmhouse indicated that it may have been erected sometime during the early 19th century. Over 200 years of faded memories and forgotten people who once lived there. Margaux hated living in New Jersey and she dreamt about the day she would finally escape and find herself in someplace that she actually belongs. “Only 3 more months until the lease is up” she said, “then I can get the hell out of this place.” Margaux made her way back to her bedroom and pulled the blankets over her head. It was always difficult for her to fall asleep at night in this place, but she was so depleted from sobbing that she was asleep within minutes.

The love from her mother was a very foreign concept to Margaux. Her mother was never really around and it seemed she loved the company of strange men more than she loved Margaux. While she would tell others that she didn’t need her mother’s love, her behavior and tendencies would paint a different picture. Margaux awoke the next morning and she felt a sense of relief. She knew it was healthy to allow herself to have an emotional release, but she knew deep down that she needed more for herself. Margaux was beginning to realize that she was trying to fill the void of her mother’s love with the love of a romantic partner. She knew this was toxic behavior and that she would get burned every time. “I cannot keep putting myself through this,” she said to herself as she brewed a small pot of coffee, “I need to focus on trying to love myself instead of searching for someone to love me.” Self love seemed impossible to her at this moment. Margaux didn’t fully understand how she needed to be loved and without knowing this, she would find herself disappointed and heartbroken over and over again. “I need to put myself first this time,” she said to herself with a sense of hope, “but how?” she wondered.

Margaux walked out the front door and began to head towards her car which was parked by the old abandoned barn that stood tall on the property. She thought about how beautiful it would look with a little bit of paint and some TLC. The old barn was haunting, but beautiful, some of the windows were broken and the wooden siding needed replacement. She stood there for a second and admired the imperfections of the old barn and said, “You look how I feel.” Margaux turned away from the old barn and got into her car to leave for work. As she drove slowly down the long driveway, she glanced in her rearview mirror and saw something in the broken window of the barn. She scrunched her nose and squinted her eyes to try to get a better look, but just as quickly as it appeared, it was gone. Margaux muttered to herself, “Strange…” shrugged her shoulders, and continued down the long driveway.

Later that evening Margaux returned back home and it began to snow. “Winter, what an awful time of the year,” she mumbled, as she put her car in park next to the old abandoned barn. She stepped out of her car and glanced up at the broken window. She stared for a while almost as if she was waiting for something to happen, for something to appear, but nothing. Margaux headed inside and began her nightly routine. After she finished her supper she walked towards the kitchen sink to begin cleaning the dishes. She stared out the kitchen window when she saw a silhouette in the broken window of the barn. “Oh god, what is that?” she said to herself. She leaned over the counter towards the light-switch to turn on another light outside so she could get a better look. “An owl?” she asked herself. She could just barely see the owl through the window perched on the windowsill inside of the old barn. The owl almost looked as if it was illuminating a bright light from its white feathers and it was peering at her with its big golden eyes. Margaux loved owls because it was her grandmother’s favorite animal. After her grandmother's passing, she inherited many of her favorite possessions that depicted white owls. Margaux quickly grabbed her jacket and boots and flew out the front door to get a better look. However, just like that, the owl was gone. Disappointed, Margaux walked back towards the house where she would retire for the evening.

Margaux struggled that evening to fall asleep as her mind was racing with anxious thoughts. It had been 3 years since she last spoke to her mother and on top of everything, she was still struggling to deal with her fiancé leaving her all alone in that house. Her fiancé’s words were replaying in her head like a broken record over and over: “You’re always sad, Margaux. I can’t live like this anymore.” She knew deep down that he was right about her. Who would want to be with someone who is never happy? Eventually, just as she was able to fall asleep, she was suddenly awoken by a loud tapping on her windowpane. She shot up out of bed and looked around frantically. She looked towards the window and there it was - the owl. The large white owl sat outside of her window perched on a tree branch. The large golden eyes were almost staring into her soul and the owl radiated such beauty and wisdom that its presence made Margaux feel so alive. It felt like time stood still and that her and the owl were the only beings existing in the world. In that moment she knew that this difficult time in her life would come to an end and that these complex emotions she was harboring were paving the way to a new life. “The only way out is through,” she whispered. Something inside of her died that night and was replaced with something bigger and better.

Margaux woke up the next morning and softly said to herself, “I finally get it. All of these years I have struggled, but I finally understand.” Something awoke inside of her, a personal revelation, that finally made her understand after so many years of emotional turmoil. She sat up in bed with a big smile and told herself, “It starts with me. Love comes within.” She finally realized that other people’s inability to love her the way she deserves to be loved is a reflection of the struggle within themselves and not a reflection of herself. She said to herself with confidence, “My mother cannot love me simply because she cannot love herself. That is her problem, not mine.” Thus, Margaux was finally able to free herself and begin her journey of self-love.