A letter to my 16 year old self

Dear Emma,

You are pretty damn special. Even though you feel like no one notices you. Even though you think everyone is judging your every move (literally, social anxiety omg). Girl you are radiant af. Don't worry everyone is too focused on themselves just like you. Your not alone. You're a teenager trying to figure out your mind, body, and spirit. You don't need all the answers to live. At 22 I still have many questions and curiosities'. Follow your curiosities'. Your never going to know what your doing or if what your doing is right, but honestly no one knows what they want or what they're doing completely. You have so much time. Remember when you dyed your hair because you thought that would make you normal and make you fit in. Girl you are never going to fit into any box, and I love that about you.

Even though you failed your drivers test four times, you're a pretty damn safe and chill driver. You don't know yet but Dads car, that's going to be your first car your sophomore year of college. He is a blue Honda accord, and his name is Roger. He is a true friend and support for you. He may have 235,000 miles but he is strong and resilient just like you.

I know you seek validation from external sources, specifically male attention because mom and dad weren't the most affectionate or emotional, but you have so much more to offer. Mom and Dad truly care about you and are doing the best they can, with where they're at. They want the best for you, and for you to be happy. You should be a little bit nicer to them (a lot nicer). You'll regret saying some hurtful things in the moment that you said in a state of anger. Never say things in the heat of the moment. Always sleep on it and when your in a calm and present mindset, then say what you need to say. I mean I also know you don't find yourself attractive and you are constantly putting your body down. Stop that. Work on your self esteem with Nancy your therapist haha. You are so beautiful inside and out and you just have to own your height, and your big eyeballs, and your ginger hair. People be jealous of your hair now. Just wait till you find your confidence in a few years. You'll see it was all just in your head.

Get out of your damn head. Get that stick out of your ass. And say what you want. No one can read your mind. Usually not even you.

Your procrastination and slow thinking does not mean you are stupid. You are creative and smart and people look up to you now as a leader. You also have ADHD hahaha. But some of the bestest (I know that is not a word), most intelligent people do.

Remember when you and Olivia were so nervous to public speak for less than 5 minutes in front of the class, that you convinced the teacher to let you do it after school with no one watching. Well you took a journalism/public speaking class freshman year of college as a gen ed requirement, you were still nervous but got pretty comfortable with it. You started realizing its less about you and more about the story, or information you are trying to share with others. You now love writing and public speaking. You were the commencement speaker at your college graduation in front of your senior class (they were all wearing masks, because there is currently a global pandemic). The point is believe in yourself. You love story telling and sharing your creative thoughts and experiences. Have some fun with it.

You just need to have more fun period. Stop worrying so much. You are worrying and ruminating 85% of the day. Girl do you think that is healthy, no. I know you have a hard time looking outside yourself or even understand how to do so. Its your hormones, your environment, and your age. It will get easier I promise. Keep working on changing your thought patterns, and being compassionate with yourself. You are so compassionate to others but in order to help others like you truly want to, you need to be there for yourself too.

I have so much more to say, I may add more to this letter when I feel like it. But for now, I love you. You got to love you in the present and you got to follow that instinct inside you. You know your different, but different is exciting. I am so proud of you.

XO 22 year old you