I Wasn’t Lazy, Broken, or Behind — I Was Carrying Too Much Guilt

I used to feel guilty and ashamed whenever something didn’t go as planned. I’ve always been a person trying to plan everything to make sure that I don’t end up crying or find myself in blue. But as it is said, nothing ever goes as planned in this world. It is not that I’m blaming something or someone. It’s just, I’ve tried many times that whenever, I’ve tried to be a better person or to do good. I end up making things difficult. So much so that my loved ones start to step aside.

Even when nothing was actually wrong. If I rested, I felt lazy, lame, and pathetic. It was part of my life where I have been drawing on the burden of my own loss and thoughts. I’ve always tried to be a friendly and helpful person. But time changed me into an introvert and a lifeless person. Problems and tough situations make us change our personality to something else just to survive.

I’ve been through that.

I’ve seen people around me enjoying, finding their love, and so on. Whereas I just stood helplessly, not because I didn’t do anything, but because I had been thinking too much. I think being overprotective and taking care of everything and then ending up with nothingness made me a person I was never meant to be.

If I failed, I felt like I disappointed everyone, most importantly, I took the blame on myself just so others could feel safe. I’ve tried to cop a thing to say lies just to protect the precious. I’ve gone overboard just to keep holding someone. Just to make things the way I want. If I moved at my own pace, I felt behind. That guilt made me stand and cry over the losses. Looking at someone taking away the things, persons, and happiness I longed for. But life is ruthless. It does not serve things on a plate. Either you have to change the way you get them, or you have to leave them.

Most of that guilt wasn’t because I hurt someone or I was a bad person. It was because I didn’t meet the expectations of mine and others. I thought guilt would push me to do better, overthink on the things pursuing perfection and fighting for the things I don’t want, but was doing just to amuse others,but instead it just drained me. It was never meant to be mine, and all the efforts I put in were useless. Those things and people I lost are where they were meant to be.

What helped was realizing this: guilt is useful only when it leads to correction. When it turns into self-punishment, it’s no longer helping — it’s harming. That harmed me the most. Because whatever you feed into your mind turns out to be in your actions and affects your personality. I always wondered why I’m just thinking about the negatives.

But it just happened. It happened because I was happy blaming myself, things that someone would take care of me, console me, and would take responsibility for things. But nothing happened. I just suffered and suffered mentally.

Then, I started asking myself one honest question:

Can I fix this right now?

I started to let things run at their own pace. Actually, I was the one who was looking at things with a different pace and perspective. I was the one looking at the baseless things, which meant nothing more than a pebble, precious and priceless. It was all about the perspective I had.

Although I was constantly asking Allah for patience, courage, stealth, love, care, wisdom, and money. But I didn’t understand how he would bless me.

I was looking at things in the way everyone else does. If I have prayed, it should be served on the plate. It should be soft, comfy, and like a miracle.

But what I forgot was that everything I’ve been through made me a strong, wiser, more independent, and lively person. I think it’s always the process that makes us realize the value of things, and our prayers come to us in different ways.

I stopped making everything a mess. I made myself wait, wait for the moment when I can put everything I have to make things work out. Not every time, doing everything in advance leads to success. Sometimes, acting with the flow matters the most.

This last year has taught me a lot about things. I’ve realised that I’m no extraordinary person, but I’ve also realised that I’m also no useless and lame person. If everything happens on its time, then I’ll wait.

I’ll wait for my moment. This realization made me understand why I was in constant guilt. And I think it is this moment of realization that makes us understand the true value.

Now I just play my role and let nature and time do their magic. And what if it didn’t work out? No worries, I can try again. If I’m longing for patience, it won't come as a glass of water to drink. I’ll have to suffer and bear the losses, and then I will be able to be a strong, patient man. And everything I’ve been through is not making sense.

I also learned to separate responsibility from self-blame. I can admit mistakes without attacking myself. Growth doesn’t require suffering. It requires realization, effort, and waiting.

Reducing inner guilt didn’t make me careless. It made it clearer. I now spend less energy judging myself and more energy moving forward.

I’m still learning. But I don’t carry unnecessary guilt anymore. I carry lessons — and that’s enough.