How To Know When Your Marriage is Failing from the Perspective of the Husband, With a Side of Satire

1. When your wife asks you about your life insurance policy multiple times a week so then you finally just give her a copy to post on the front of the fridge.

2. When she seems to take too much pleasure in cutting your hair and shaving your neck slowly with a straight edge razor.

3. When she stays out very late into the night but says repeatedly, “I’ll be home in a just a few minutes.” Hours go by. When she finally comes home, for some odd reason she doesn’t seem to be interested in any of your sexual advances. You scratch your head, as you wonder why she smells like a new collogue you’ve never smelled before. You tell her that you might try it sometime too.

4. When you discover she’s bought lots of exotic new lingerie but you don’t see it until it’s at the bottom of the laundry hamper, not appearing so clean.

5. When she dresses up to go do homework at the library but it’s about 9 p.m. and also the college semester has been over for two weeks. Oh, and the library closed at 7:00 p.m.

6. When she calls to see if you’re available to bail her out of jail. You don’t ask questions, you just find a number for a local bondsman.

7. When she’s interested in wedding planning but your own wedding pictures were chopped up for a collage. The collage is not typically seen by anyone because it’s underneath the carpet in the basement.

8. When she sees you have come home from work and flatly states, “I was hoping you were working later today because I just started a new Netflix series.” So, you take her up on the irresistible offer and go back to work. Fortunately, you’ve saved a sleeping bag under your work desk in case you get tired.

9. When she tells you that the premise of the new Netflix series is about murder mysteries, based on wives murdering their husbands without a trace. You think to yourself that it seems a bit odd but you offer to make some popcorn and watch it with her sometime next year.

10. When you find a card from another guy in her car and it’s the kind of card that sings The Carpenter’s “We’ve Only Just Begun.” The card is also full of sequin hearts that fall out all over the yard and they get sliced up in the mower. You think to yourself that your in-laws might like the new yard art.

11. She has started calling you by another name. It’s not idiot but another guys name. She tells you she’s been dreaming about another guy with that same name. You think to yourself that it seems like a funny coincidence.

12. She comes home one night and it appears that there is a lot of red mosquito bites on her neck but oddly the itchy cream you apply to it doesn’t seem to make a difference but of course she wasn’t itching her neck to begin with.

13. You wake up in the middle of the night and realize she’s on her phone.

14. You realize she seems happier when you’re never around her so then you start never being around because your goal is to not disturb her “peace.”

15. She askes you to build her a “she shed” on the property but after seeing the building plan, it’s more like a full blown house. She seems excited to move in as soon as possible.

16. She makes you dinner but then you realize there is an odd flavor to the steak. It’s a good thing that you have poison control on speed dial on your phone.

If any, or all, of these things are occurring to you, well, then it may be too late to see a counselor. Just kidding, it’s never too late to see a counselor.