When My Life Changed

The death of my abuser changed everything for me when he died on August 21, 2021. I didn't feel anything when he died, I don't know if that's a bad thing.

Two weeks later, the hardships were only the beginning, I moved out of my "mothers" house. I had a lot of anger in my heart dealing with everything emotionally finally most alone. Even though I wasn't my mental state I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts so I stayed in a hotel for two weeks.

I should have been happy that I was free but I felt lost inside. Being mistreated for the better part of my life a real taste of freedom is at my doorstep.

I didn't know what to do, I adjusted to the abuse.

Worse of all, she knew my struggles and knew I was brainwashed for years. I learned a lesson at that moment, life is never easy. Sometimes you just need to fall deeper down the rabbit hole.

So as I fell deeper my fiance gives me an ultimatum, “If you don’t come home I will…” He acted as though he couldn’t say the words aloud.

So I spoke the words feeling the words deeper inside agonizing. In tears this time I replied, “you mean to break up with me? Can you just give me time to adjust to this shit? You have to give me an ultimatum?”

I thought losing my abuser was tough enough now I’m going to be losing my fiance because he thinks I am not coming home to him.

I think the hardest thing in the world is what I was going through.

He didn’t give me an answer and I made a lame excuse to get off the phone. I left my phone in my hotel room and drove away going to my special spot to think and cry my eyes out.

I don’t understand why he did this to me.

Okay, stop thinking like a victim you wanted this. You want to be with him, he needs you. But I need him, I have to step up the broken spirit of a woman is he ready for that?

I wasn’t sure of who to trust so I couldn’t leave my car anywhere. How do I do this? I know I shouldn’t have bought a car, but if this wasn’t going to work out then at least I would have a car.

The strength it would take to go to somewhere new. I just needed to get away from Ohio, and if he didn’t want me well then at least I could say I tried.

I grabbed some food and drove back to the hotel turning up the TV.

When I booked the flight I got back to him. He blew up my phone letting me know he was worried and then some.

I sent him my itnerney for my flight.

I didn’t understand why I put myself through this. But when it comes to the matters of the heart you can’t help who you love.

I felt broken beyond repair words hurt, and when that happened when he said those words I wouldn’t understand until he would tell me later on.

***

A few days later, The first flight I ever took and was the worst airline in the states. By the time, I am in Saint Lucia in 2021 during COVID-19. I start to feel nervous wondering if it was too late.

It was hard to explain how I felt that day of September 5th, 2021 it was the day before my birthday. I only knew about Shane’s in-law's stories he told me.

The only reason I came to Saint Lucia was that I love him and it was unbearable to be without him.

After the long ride to Piat, the darkness looked like midnight outside. And then I saw him for the first time my fiance in a taxi with me planting a kiss on the lips.

The drama that led to this point is sad. As I go back to the hotel I booked for three weeks.

I felt a sense of shy almost virgin-like feelings. It’s hard to explain those feelings. I mean I’m not perfect, I think I was nervous because I never felt with a man. It felt weird to me, almost a foreign concept.

In the past I never felt like I was heard, now I am.

That evening, everything you think happened did happen.

A few weeks later, we soon married. But I will never forget the night before our wedding when my soon-to-be mother-in-law begged my husband who he would be the next day begged him to come back home.

I felt angry beyond that if he listened to her speak nonsense. I walk away to the bathroom in our hotel room unsure of what to think. So, I start a shower to calm myself. It’s at that moment if he had second thoughts I could say I tried at least. When I started to disrobe, then I start to shower alone overwhelmed by the panic inside. I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man.

Instead, he hangs up on her and walks into the bathroom and I showered with him his warm body embracing me.

“Are you still going to marry me, love?”

“Yes, I don’t care what she says I’m still going to marry you, baby girl.”

When he said this I knew it to be true.

This is the beginning of our lives and we have been married for nearly two years almost.