Marriage is a Deep, Deep Subject

This is my first entry into the Vocal "Marriage" community. I've been avoiding it. I didn't want to write my thoughts or opinions about it because they are often deep and abstract. I've been single, married, and divorced. I know what all three "titles" feel like. I was single for 40 years, married for 12 years, and now I've been divorced since November 2023. Do I have anything to say here in this community that won't come across as jaded, bitter, or cynical? Yes. Do I have anything to say here in this community that is thoughtful, honest, important, necessary, or kind? Yes. So here I am after waiting out the entire year of 2024 as the "divorcee" ready to speak about marriage again to those who still enjoy the conversation or institution of marriage.

Marriage is a deep, deep subject. Though I will not deny that I may be cynical about the institution, I must state that a large portion of that cynicism is derived from the way that society belittles the institution. Even here at this Vocal community dedicated to the subject of Marriage -- The front page of this community welcomes writers of this subject with a "slogan" : Marriage is all about weddings, from venues to hairstyles, cakes, and the reception. Every time I read that line I feel like vomiting. Literally, truly, from the bottom of my upset stomach, that line makes me feel angry and nauseous. That's the problem about marriage. You see we can't treat it like the sacred union ordained from God because then we'd be taking it too seriously; But we also can't make fun of it and act lightly about it because then how could anyone justify a $100,000 wedding?

When I got married in 2011, we spent about $250 for the license at the Justice of the Peace, a discounted white summer dress, and a little after party at home among family and friends. It wasn't the cost or lack of cost or the place or the clothes that made me a nervous wreck. I was a nervous wreck because I was about to do something that I never in 40 years thought I would do. I don't consider myself a coward. I'd been brave in my 40 years in many ways: Student Loan for College, Overseas Travel Alone, Single Mother, and Blind Dates. There was only one event or institution that was mocking my courage: Marriage. Just the mere mention of the word marriage had me chewing my nails and channeling the ghost of Houdini to help me escape the conversation. My cousin had called me "Crazy" when I told her I was pregnant at the age of 25. It didn't bother me because I thought all women (especially the ones that were married) were "Crazy".

It's ironic actually. I was raised by European Catholic Americans. I was raised on Disney Princess mentality. I wasn't supposed to look at the institution of marriage in terror - I was supposed to knock down the other bridesmaids to catch the bouquet. But I wasn't what I was supposed to be. When the Bride would throw the bouquet, I was across the street sipping a Martini, smoking a cigarette, and laughing about all the secrets that the Groom had conveniently forgotten to tell his Bride.

Still, some of the cliches about women hold true. The biological timeclock and the "old maid" fear may be considered "stereotypical" or "cliche" but more than not women go through those phases. In 2010, I was trying to figure out if I was more afraid of marriage or becoming an old maid. I kept playing a quote over and over in my mind: "We regret more what we do not do, than what we do." I can spin my mental wheels arguing with that quote all day, but in 2011 when I got married, the idea of reaching my 75th birthday without the memory of having been a bride or wife was scarier than going through with marriage.

At the age of 40, I looked back at my single promiscuous life. I had received three marriage proposals that I turned down out of fear of failure. I realized that it wasn't the institution of marriage that terrified me, but the probable divorce that would follow eventually and inevitably. As a child of divorce, I was supposed to break that cycle. If I got married, there was no way out. I wasn't 100% correct in my thinking at that time which I have come to realize now, but that's where my mind was at the time.

I asked him. I didn't have a ring to present nor did I make a great romantic gesture about it. We had been "living in sin" as boyfriend and girlfriend. We were getting along well financially and sexually. He was nice, hardworking, and respectful. We were the same age and I thought we could go the distance. So after six months of "shacking" I just looked at him and asked, "Will you marry me?" I think he was stunned at first. I think he was scared too (as a divorcee from the marriage to his high school sweetie), when he looked at me unsure how to reply. I helped him through it. I told him, "I'm not getting any younger. It's now or never for me. Either this is the beginning for us or the end." He chose the beginning and we got official on June 5th, 2011. Not a very "romantic" proposal or start, but the first three years of our marriage were happy and romantic enough for me.

I'll have to write another article about my marriage because for this article I'm trying to stay focused on simply the subject of marriage and not the details of my marriage. Marriage is not all about weddings, gowns, and cakes. I'm sorry, but I refuse to accept that. It's fine if you don't want to call it sacred, but at least admit that it's a serious commitment. A lover can break another lover's heart with one lie. So what do you think marriage and divorce can do to a romantic or a believer? It's not just a party or a joke. It's the pinnacle and summit of romance. It's the destination of the romantic heart. Please don't insult it by diminishing it's magic by saying that it's just a dress and a party.

Marriage is a deep, deep subject. It's a serious, serious commitment. Is it controversial? Absolutely. Is it necessary? To the faithful and the romantics, yes. Is it supported by law and situation ethics? Yes. Is it recommended by the church? Yes. Is it just an institution for making babies and/or money? Not necessarily. Can it be done wrong? Yes. Right? Yes. Does it always last forever? I don't know.

If you've never been married, and you came to me for advice or a blessing, all I can tell you is this --- Ask yourself why you want to get married. Are you in love? That's good if you are. That helps. Are you compatible? I hope so. Do you want children? That's a good reason. Do they already have children? That's complicated. Do you think the marriage will help you or hurt you financially? That's important. Does your church approve? If not, who are you going to turn to if things go sour?

Think about your answers and your reasons. Good Luck.