How to handle anger in marriage

Anger is a sensation, a normal emotion, a human reaction to your happiness, safety, and well-being. Anger is a universal emotion, however for different people it may be more frequent and powerful. Despite being one of the most prevalent emotions experienced by humans, few people are adept at responding to this emotion in a really efficient manner.

Many of us still utilize a small number of reaction patterns that we picked up as kids. Either helpful or destructive conduct may result from these reactions.

Understanding the sources of our anger can enable us to manage it more effectively. What counts is how we choose to express our anger, not if we become upset at all.

Researchers on anger have found that compared to other types of relationships, married partnerships are the ones where anger is produced the most. The main reason people commit acts of violence against other people is unresolved anger. The ability to control one's anger can make the difference between a happy marriage and complete unhappiness. The way a couple handles their anger may determine whether their marriage succeeds or fails.

Missunderstanding of Anger

Many of us hold misconceptions of anger and these misconceptions can lead people to cover up their anger indifferent ways. According to D. L. Carlson, five misconceptions are:

1) If you don’t look angry on the outside, you don’t have a problem with anger.

2) If you ignore hurt and anger, they will go away.

3) Venting feelings and anger will make them go away.

4) Playing the martyr (being nice all the time) and not expressing anger will not damage you.

5) Your relationships will suffer if you express any anger or hurt.

How People Cover Up Anger

If marriage partners have any of these misconceptions, they may cover up their anger in one or more of the following ways:

• denial (ignoring the evidence)

• peace at any price (i.e., giving in rather than engaging conflict, withdrawal)

• grievance collecting (keeping track of everything that has happened)

• passive/aggressive behavior (pouting, sarcasm, stubbornness, procrastination, generating guilt)

• bigotry (hating another group of people)

• all is well attitude (overly sweet and nice about what is happening)

Anger Can Be Healthy in a Relationship David and Vera Mace, pioneers in the Marriage Enrichment movement, indicate that anger is healthy and normal and is present at different times in all marital relationships. Couples should give each other the right to be angry. The Maces have outlined a way of coping with feelings of anger that surface in almost every marriage.

When a spouse notices angry feelings coming on, those angry feelings should be expressed in words, but said nicely and with love. These feelings should be expressed in much the same tone as they would say, “I’m tired,” or “I’m very tired.” Couples who effectively handle their anger well agree that it is necessary to express and acknowledge it.

They agree never to attack in anger even though they share angry feelings. They should agree with each other that they won’t yell at one another unless there is extreme danger. If a firm, non-yelling policy is developed, it will remove the need for a spouse to feel defensive or to develop any type of retaliatory anger. If both partners can express their anger calmly, they will be better able to find out how and why the anger is present in the marriage.

Resolving Anger

The Maces developed an acronym (AREA) to help couples remember a better way of resolving anger:

A is for admitting your anger to your spouse

R is the desire to restrain your anger and not let it get out of hand by blaming or belittling

E stands for explaining in a very calm manner why you are angry

A stands for action planning or doing something about the cause of the anger

If anger is managed in this way, using a calm approach to spot the trigger of the anger and what can be done about it, couples usually find that the anger was based on a misunderstanding or misinterpreted words or actions. Husbands and wives may also find out that one partner was pushed beyond a level of tolerance. All these things can be resolved if approached calmly.