How do you approach conflict when one partner is more assertive than the other?

Assertiveness in this context refers to the ability to express one's feelings, needs, and desires in a direct and confident manner, without being passive or aggressive. When one partner is more assertive than the other, the dynamic can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, or resentment if not handled carefully. Here’s a guide on how to approach conflict in such situations:

Recognize the Role of Assertiveness

Understanding the difference between assertiveness, aggressiveness, and passivity is key to managing conflict. An assertive partner expresses themselves clearly and stands up for their beliefs, but they do so in a respectful way. A more passive partner may avoid expressing their needs or opinions out of fear of conflict or because they don’t feel their input will be valued. On the other hand, an aggressive partner may express their needs in a way that disregards the other person’s feelings, often leading to conflict.

In relationships where one partner is more assertive, it’s crucial to acknowledge this difference in communication styles. If you are the more passive partner, it can sometimes feel overwhelming to be in conflict with someone who is confident and direct. Conversely, if you are the more assertive partner, understanding how your approach might make the other person feel is essential for healthy communication.

Create a Safe Space for Communication

It’s essential for both partners to feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves in any conflict. If one partner is more assertive, they should be conscious of the other partner’s comfort level. This means avoiding any form of domination or interruption, ensuring that both people have the opportunity to speak and be heard.

If you're the less assertive partner, it’s important to make an effort to express your thoughts. This might take time, and you may feel nervous or anxious, but it’s crucial that your needs are also communicated. If you're the more assertive partner, make a conscious effort to listen and validate the other person’s perspective without interrupting.

Practice Active Listening

One of the most powerful tools for resolving conflict, especially when there’s an imbalance in assertiveness, is active listening. This involves not just hearing the words the other person is saying, but fully understanding and engaging with their feelings and emotions. Active listening requires giving your full attention, asking clarifying questions, and repeating back what you’ve heard to ensure mutual understanding.

For the more assertive partner, it’s important to listen actively and allow your partner to express themselves, even if they struggle to be as direct. For the less assertive partner, practicing active listening helps you feel more engaged in the conversation and validates the feelings of the more assertive partner.

Use "I" Statements

One effective strategy in managing conflict is using “I” statements, which help take ownership of your feelings without placing blame on the other person. This reduces the chance of defensiveness and encourages a more open dialogue. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try saying, “I feel unheard when I try to express my feelings.”

For the more assertive partner, using “I” statements can prevent the conversation from becoming accusatory, which can escalate conflict. For the less assertive partner, expressing your emotions through “I” statements can be a way to begin sharing your feelings in a non-confrontational manner.

Focus on the Issue, Not the Person

In many conflicts, especially when there is an imbalance in assertiveness, it’s easy for individuals to start attacking each other personally rather than addressing the issue at hand. This can be particularly problematic if one partner is more assertive because it might feel like they are dominating the conversation, which could lead to hurt feelings or resentment.

To avoid this, focus on the issue itself rather than on personal attacks. Instead of saying, “You are always too aggressive,” try saying, “I feel overwhelmed when the conversation moves too quickly.” This keeps the conversation focused on the behavior or situation, rather than creating an adversarial dynamic.

Find a Compromise

In any conflict, it’s crucial to be willing to find a compromise. If one partner is more assertive, they may feel like they need to win the argument or have their way. However, it’s important to understand that compromise is often the best solution for both partners. Each person should be willing to give a little, ensuring that both people feel respected and valued.

For the more assertive partner, this might mean allowing the other person to have more input or time to express their thoughts. For the less assertive partner, it might mean becoming more vocal and firm in stating their needs. Both should work together to find a middle ground.

Be Patient and Practice Emotional Regulation

Conflict often involves strong emotions, and when one partner is more assertive, it can sometimes feel like emotions are heightened. It’s important to practice emotional regulation during the conversation. For the more assertive partner, staying calm and controlled during discussions helps prevent the conversation from escalating. For the less assertive partner, working on expressing emotions in a healthy way (without bottling them up or withdrawing) is Key.

Both partners should be patient with each other, recognizing that emotional expression and resolution take time and effort.

IN THE END

Handling conflict in a relationship where one partner is more assertive requires patience, empathy, and good communication skills. By recognizing the differences in communication styles, creating a safe space for open dialogue, and focusing on active listening and compromise, both partners can navigate conflicts in a healthy and productive way. The goal should always be mutual respect and understanding, ensuring both individuals feel heard and valued in the relationship.