HAVE YOU SELECTED THE RIGHT PARTNER?

I was recently invited to a family get together of a couple celebrating 50 years of their marriage. Returning back from the gathering, a thought came to my mind:

What is it that has kept the couple in question connected for the past 50 Years?

There is a proverb in the English language, and in other languages all over the world which says that “Marriages Are Made In Heaven”. This literally means that you cannot forecast or foretell who your future life partner is going to be. However, you definitely have the right to choose the person. Having been married for 22 years, in my case also, I had never met my life-partner-to-be before in my life. I had to make a choice.

Marriage, as an institution, is as old as civilization itself. It has survived the good times and the bad. With ever changing social values and newer concepts like live-in relationships, marriage still has its own status.

Today also, people are getting married, although the divorce statistics may have gone up. This indicates that social values are changing, nothing more. Since it is a lifelong commitment, most people desire a good partner in their marriage and make the choice accordingly, only to end up shattering their dreams and unable to achieve personal happiness. A few survive the storm and get across.

It is said that life offers us choices at every moment and what we choose in the present ultimately determines our destiny in the future. This brings us back to the question, how can we make the right choice for a marital partner?

This is one complex question that even sociologists have not been able to answer perfectly. Managing any relationship is an art and marriage is a long term relationship that cannot be measured in terms of figures & statistics, unlike a balance sheet in a business proposition. There are no terms like profit, loss, that can be used in order to measure the success or failure of a marriage. Then what are the parameters on which to make the choice of an ideal marriage partner?

Marriage is basically a partnership between a man and a woman, who agree to live together, raise a family, establish an independent home, and move through the struggles of life. It is said that behind every successful man, there is a woman.

History has proved that whether it was Napoleon the Great or Abraham Lincoln, who had a failed marriage, yet was very successful as a leader. Napoleon Hill, in his best seller, The Law of Success, that has influenced and inspired the lives of millions of people all over the world, mentions the institution of marriage and the choice of selecting the right partner plays a very important role in the success or failure of an individual at all levels in life.

There are many factors that affect the selection of a right mate in marriage, most of them that are unknown, particularly in the case of an arranged marriage. Though the probability is reduced in the case of a love marriage, other important factors that need to be considered include

SOCIOLOGICAL FACTORS:

In Indian Culture sociological factors play a very important role as far the choice of a life partner is concerned. The concept of arranged marriages has been a part of the social fabric in India for ages. The important factors are caste, race, religion, the socio-economic status of the individual, the educational level of the individual, etc. Research shows that religious differences are rarely the cause of a failed marriage.

The probabilities of choosing the partner are narrowed down to these factors. Besides, with the concept of the joint family system still prevalent in certain sections of the Indian society, the experience of the elders in the family, who have gone through successful marriages, also comes in handy.

Suggested Reading: HOW UNCONDITIONAL LOVE BONDS A RELATIONSHIP IN A MARRIAGE.

Indian society has largely been influenced by the caste system and family values. Yes, divorces are there, but the percentage of divorces is very low, particularly in the older generations. It is higher in the new generation that is being influenced by other cultures and the tech revolution. In the case of a joint family system, it is almost negligible, as the elderly help to sort out the problems with their experiences.

The moment I cleared my graduation and took up further studies, the search for the perfect bride began through the social networks of families and extended families that the elders had. (In those days, there was no Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or other social media)! Therefore, attending a wedding was a strict norm which had to be followed. More than the food, the concentration was on the conversation of a match for me and my brother, who was 3 1/2 years younger than me!!

Being an introvert by nature and too shy to even talk to girls, I just hated to forcefully attend the celebrations, particularly from those families whom I had not met in ages and did not even know!!

In Indian culture, it is generally desirable that the husband is older and more educated than the wife. Now, the trend is changing as more and more women are also being educated. Marriageable age is another factor that influences the marriage, because Indian Culture still has child marriages as a custom, but ultimately it is the end it is the individual’s maturity that influences his adjustments in married life.

The length of the courtship period after the engagement also plays a very important role in determining the success of the marriage. Dating is a relatively new concept in Indian culture. Prior to dating, the couples must be engaged first. The duration of the courtship period offers a window to the couples to understand each other’s natures and get a glimpse as to what are the challenges that they are going to face and the adjustments that they would have to make in the future.

Although my dear old grandmother did not live to see my marriage, she passed on the legacy to choose the right bride for me to other elders in her extended family.

PSYCHOLOGICAL FACTORS:

The psychological factors are the interests, attitudes, needs, values, and temperamental factors related to the individual’s personality. These become more prominent, particularly in the case of a joint family system, where one person must adjust with all the others in the family to live harmoniously.

Therefore, one of the very important factors in the selection of a life partner is family history. There is a strong belief that the girl preferably should be from a joint family, though the boy may be from a nuclear family. The logic here is that as their family grows, she will be able to handle family conflicts in a better manner, as she has already experienced the same in her family before marriage.

The theory of mate selection is based on the complementary needs of the individuals involved. That is the reason why it is said that opposites attract in a marriage or any relationship for that matter. The individuals must be aware of their needs, accept themselves and be able to recognize the complementary needs of the other partner.

However, in Indian culture, there are more adjustments to be made, as there is a suppression of the actual needs of the individual due to the stereotyped sex roles in the Indian society, with the females being more dependent and passive, since the man’s role is basically as a provider for the financial needs of the family, and the female’s role is to take care of the family. Therefore, each will try to suppress his or her actual needs and therefore the art of proper communication plays a very important role.

Therefore, the window of the courtship period is an excellent opportunity to test the degree of harmony in personalities. Thus, even though the choice of the partners to be in marriage are based on the sociological factors, at the time of the selection of the right mate, the psychological variables become more important after the honeymoon period ends and the couple gets back together to their routine.

Suggested Reading: WHY SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF IN MARRIAGE YET ALL STUFF IS SMALL STUFF.

Being married is relatively easier than staying married. It is akin to managing a garden where there are going to be weeds and the gardener needs to prune the weeds regularly for the healthy growth of the garden.

In the same manner a marriage needs constant pruning and in 22 years of being married, thankfully both me and my partner have been successfully able to meet the challenges that life has thrown.

Being in the sandwich generation has its own pros and cons and life teaches a lot during the time children grow up and are on their way to struggle and face their share of the challenges that life has to offer on their own.

The cycle of life never stops and what we were once, the next generation will be in the same place, albeit with a different set of challenges. Life is a struggle and goes on whether we are there or not there.

Therefore, values play a very important role in choosing the right partner for marriage. The foundation of a strong marriage is laid out on the values of truth and the commitment more than anything else.

The ultimate marriage is that which gives happiness in the long term rather than satisfaction on the bed in the short term. Staying married and carrying on the journey of life together with your partner is one of the best experiences that life gives.

Suggested Reading: 10 INVALUABLE LESSONS LIFE TAUGHT ME AFTER MARRIAGE.