Why Did I Always Feel Like This?

Trigger warning: the following story will discuss weight and other weight-related topics

Growing up in Texas, my childhood, while parts of it were great, the household was both toxic and abusive. My parents, whom I've been estranged from for nearly 15 years, were verbally and physically abusive towards me. They would ridicule and belittle me about everything: they way that I looked, talked, and anything that they saw about me as weird. I'm the oldest of three children (younger brother and sister) and I always was the target of my parents' wrath. I was a skinny kid, and they would make horrible comments about my body, saying things like I needed to eat. For context, I was in high school and weighed almost 110 pounds. Sure, it's not a healthy weight for a teenage boy. However, at the same time, it's not nice to body shame your own child. No matter what I ate, I was still slim. The constant critique of my body from my parents stuck with me and my self-esteem drastically decreased, especially when I entered adulthood.

I turned 25 in 2012 and at the time, I weighed around 125 pounds. Also at that time, I was on medications to manage my anxiety and depression, which I was diagnosed with several months earlier. I started to eat unhealthy foods I got my hands on and when I moved to a new area, I stepped on a scale, and it read 200 pounds. This was my "Holy shit!" moment and needed to make a change. From 2013 to 2017, my unhealthy eating and drinking habits continued. I used unhealthy food, energy drinks, and sometimes alcohol as coping mechanisms to ease the pain due to the childhood trauma I've experienced. By the summer of 2018, I was homeless and jobless, resulting in me losing a lot of weight. I was determined to get back on my feet again while staying at motels and a friend's house. Most nights, I would sit outside my local Walmart to get some sleep. While staying at a friend's house one weekend, I went to the bathroom and stepped on the bathroom scale. It said that I weighed 160 pounds. Around 2021, while the pandemic was still in effect, I lost even more weight, dropping down to 140 pounds. This was the lowest weight I've been at since moving to a new area years prior. Unfortunately, my depression got the best of me and within a year, I almost regained all of the weight I've lost. Now, I was back to being insecure about my own appearance. My weight has gone up and down over the years, but I really had to do something to address this ongoing problem.

Several months ago, I was deciding whether or not I wanted to join a gym. I was hesitant at first to do this for three reasons: cost, time, and whether or not people there would make fun of me. So, three months ago, I made the decision to finally join a gym because I wanted to take that first step in working on being self-conscious about myself. Plus, I was nearing 40 and taking my health more seriously was important. On the first day that I stepped foot at my local gym, one of the employees was very kind and understanding of my struggles when it came about my body. I've been going there for nearly three months and I've become even more comfortable with working out at a place where I could coexist with others. All I do is come to the gym, put on my headphones, and work out for an hour to an hour and a half, and then head home. I feel a bit more comfortable going to a gym, but I'm not comfortable taking off my shirt in a locker room in front of others yet, because I'm still working on a couple of problem areas. Once I get to the point where I can fully show off my body, I'll be sure to post a picture on here and share an update soon. The photo you see for this story is my most recent one. One of my followers on Instagram noticed that my stomach was smaller, which I didn't notice before. My body goals are to become stronger and fit. In other words, I want to have a body where I can freely show it off to everyone. Of course, getting to that point will take some more time and I rather take it slow than rushing the process. I'm determined to get there eventually.

If you're feeling insecure about going to a gym, just remember that everyone was in your shoes at one point and were beginners. Plus, people there are most likely friendly. If others are tearing you down for simply wanting to better yourself, then they're the problem. We're all at the gym working on our own personal goals. I'll never condone body shaming or endorse shaming someone on the internet for bettering themselves, regardless of body type or level of fitness. Hopefully, my personal story will help spread awareness about the struggles of insecurity and self-consciousness. My intention wasn't to trigger anyone, but to highlight an issue that many people go through daily.

*Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, nor a registered dietician but a man who's speaking from personal experiences. I encourage everyone to see a trusted professional for advice, because everyone's situations may vary.